Unfaithfully Yours Page #5

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How do you do?

Remember, you have a lot of other jerks...

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waiting for you in front room

after you get through in here.

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I'll take the razor down to the barbershop.

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Now, my dear August,

what happy updraft wafts you hither?

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Thank you.

Now let me see. How to begin.

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- At the beginning.

- [ Chuckles ] Yes, quite so.

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You are no doubt aware, Alfred,

that I have a deep sense of family obligation.

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I wasn't aware of it,

but I'm willing to take your word for it.

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- We are brothers-in-law, aren't we?

- I'm afraid we are.

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There's not a blasted thing

we can do about it.

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Oh? It may come as quite a shook to you

to realize that I don't actually relish...

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being your brother-in-law

any more than you relish being mine.

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- No?

- Yes.

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In the first place, I hate music,

which doesn't relieve me from having to snore...

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through every confounded soiree

that you promulgate.

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- Soiree.

- Precisely.

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And in the second place,

I am embarrassed about the product...

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that your family made its money out of.

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- And in the third place -

-Just as good as sucking mortgages,

if you should happen to ask me.

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It may be, but I prefer mortgages.

And lastly, as a humble American...

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the only titles that I have any use for...

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are in my vault in

the Guaranty Title and Trust Company.

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I see. Well, you have

my deepest sympathy, August...

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but I am a baronet, I am a bandleader...

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and my family's product has

kept England on time since Waterloo.

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There it is. Now, if I may inquire again

for the reason for this happy visitation.

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I'll come to the point at once.

When you left for England...

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and asked me to keep an eye

on your wife during your absence -

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- Keep an eye on my wife?

- I naturally accepted in the same spirit...

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