Uncommon Law

Synopsis: After years of bailing each other out of bad dates by pretending to be married, best friends and longtime roommates Brendan & Melissa receive a court notice that they are now common law married.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
88 min


[BRENDAN] Much Ado About

Ditching blog entry 108.

I'm starting to think that

the dating pool has run dry.


Oh hell, I don't love myself

And I like you even less, oh well

I guess it's just as well

Now go on and save yourself

I had some feelings

darling, now I think I'm dead

You keep that brand new car

and the thoughts in your head

Just like my time with

you, me and all my friends

Were wasted

Give me some help help help

I need your help help help

I want help help help

I need your help

Shut up

I don't love no one

And maybe I left my body

And my skin's just warm

There is no reason

darling for another breath

Throw out those useless

words or keep them in your head

Just like your point of

view, me and all my friends

Are wasted

Somebody help help help

I need your help help help

I want help help help

I need your help

I had some feelings

darling now I think I'm dead

You keep the brand new car

and the thoughts in your head

Just like my time with

you, me and all my friends

Were wasted

I need your help

Help help help

Help help help

Help help help

I need your help

So what's up girl, you come here often?

That depends.

Give me both your lines, and

I'll pick the one I like best.


Nobody who genuinely wants to know

if you're a regular asks

if you come here often.

So you've obviously got lines

ready for both yes and no.

Let's hear 'em.

Oh, um, I should...

You're not gonna get into

any panties with that one!

Alright, say I do come here often.

Nah, that's not true,

I'd recognize that ass anywhere.

Yeah, see, I'm sitting.

In a stool.

With a back.

So you don't improvise

well but my ass thanks you.

Does that mean...

Oh hold on Casanova.

Let's hear the other line first.

Ask me again.

You come here often?


You want to?


You want to come often?

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work.

Ah trust me, it works.

And we're not referring

to the same it, are we?

So what do you say, you

wanna get out of here?

Wow, jumping right to it.

Oh come on, I saw you

checkin' out the guns.

You know you want to

see the whole package.

Yeah, has anyone ever told you

you're good at reading people?

- Nope.

- I can't see why not.

I don't read much.

Oh, right.

I mean, what good did reading ever do?

You don't get to the top

burying your nose in a book.

Nah you gotta work for it.

That's why I'm in the gym

two hours a day every day.

You want to be the best,

you gotta look the best.

Okay, um.

This goes back to are you

gonna believe what you see,

or what I tell you?

Okay, I'm really sorry.

This is mostly just to

go bail out my friend.



I mean sh*t, if Shakespeare

would've done a little P90X,

maybe he wouldn't have been so gay.

We gotta get out of here!

What happened to you?

Who's this douche dick?

My husband.

You want me to get rid of him for you?

Melissa, we've gotta go, now!

Why, what happened?

They found us, I don't

know how, but they found us!

What the hell's he talking about?

You don't mean, they?

Yes! I think I killed one of... they!


I just, I blacked out again.

And when I came to...

I didn't mean to do it,

you've gotta believe me!

I really didn't!

We gotta run.

There's no telling how much

more time we have until,

they, find us.

Okay, okay, look, we gotta go.

But seriously, work on that line!


Okay Brendan, what the hell was that?

It was a number four to the neck.

On the run from a secret

government agency out to kill us.

No, that's a four to the thigh!

A four to the neck is a

winning lottery ticket.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Uncommon Law" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 28 Jan. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/uncommon_law_22508>.

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