This Means War

Synopsis: Two CIA agents, Tuck and Frank who are also best friends, have been benched because someone's after them. Tuck is divorced with a son whom he's not close to and Frank is a ladies man. Tuck decides to try and find someone so he places his profile on a dating website. Lauren, a woman also looking for a guy sees Tuck's profile and goes with him. She later bumps into Frank and he hits on her and she goes out with him. She's intrigued by both of them. When they learn that they're dating the same girl, they agree to let her choose. But both can't help but use their skills to keep tabs on her and each other. And also sabotage each other's dates with her.
Director(s): McG
Production: Twentieth Century Fox
  1 win & 6 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
103 min

- All eyes are up.

- Sat cams are good.

Target is inbound.

ETA five minutes.

Mission is a go.

Repeat, you are green to go.

Intercept and apprehend

the Heinrich brothers.

Secure the device.

And remember, this mission is covert.

I've got some action.

Hi, my name is Xenia.

- Pleased to meet you. I'm Tuck.


So what brings you to Hong Kong?

- Business or pleasure?

- Pleasure.

- Business.

- A little of both.

What kind of business?

I am a cruise ship captain

of a very large vessel.

My small friend here

is a kick-ass travel agent.

Permission to come aboard, captain?

On that note, will you excuse us, ladies,

because we do have work to do.

- No, we don't.

- Yes, we do.

Yes, we do.

That's a lovely suit.

Well, it is Savile Row's finest.

I see you brought your baby brother

to protect you.

What did you say?

Let's go, Jonas.

Shots fired. Men down.

All right. Here we go.

Mag. I need a mag.

Shoot him.



- Heinrich is not gonna be happy.

- I'm more concerned about the boss.

Definitely. Hey, you think

those girls are still here?

Here we go.

So the Coretex has minimal damage.

There's some calcining

around the edges.

However, the Tempolite has damage

and there's rusting around 300 degrees.

So that means

the Coretex gets the recommend.

See, Em? The best product always wins.

- Oh, Lauren.

- Yes.

I was just wondering if I might skip out

a little bit early for the holiday weekend.

Jerry's taking me to an alpaca farm.

Oh, yeah, of course.

It's a holiday. And a weekend.

Yeah, so you should do that.

- Okay.

- Have fun.

- You have fun too.

- I will.

Tuck. FDR.

Six men in the morgue.

A body in the middle of the street.

Yes, but to be fair, we did manage to...

- Shut up.

- To... That's me shutting up, right now.

The mission parameters

of the Heinrich case...

...were clearly indicated to be covert.

Thanks to you two geniuses...

...Heinrich will be seeking revenge

for his brother's death.

You guys are grounded.

- What?

- Grounded?

And just maybe.

I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna shake it.

- Hey, Lauren. Lauren. Hey, hey.

- Oh, oh!

Hi, Steve, hey.

- Hey.

- It's Steve.

Yeah. Oh, my... I'm so sorry.

Uh, Lauren, this is Kelly.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- It's very nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too, yeah.

- Wow, ha, ha, what a big rock.

- Yeah.

My fiance, yes. Yeah.

- You are engaged?

- Yeah.

To be married.

Things just worked out exactly

how they're supposed to, didn't they?

Yeah. Yeah.


Looks cool.

Okay, well, you know what?

I'm gonna go

because I'm gonna go meet my guy, Ken.


- Uh, he's a surgeon.

- Wow.

- So, great, well..., congratulations on your ring and...

- Oh, thanks.

- ...and your life...

- ...and your bikes and everything.

- Yeah.

Okay. Well, peace.

- See you.

- Okay. Bye.

I just said "peace."

I want to die right now.

Sushi for one.

Hey, Ken.

- The usual?

- Yeah.

- Long day, huh?

- You don't know the half of it.

This is too funny.


I'm sorry. This must be

your boyfriend's seat. Uh, Ken, right?

- Oh, yeah.

- No.

Sushi for one. Yeah. Always for one.

Ugh! It was the most

humiliating moment ever.

Well, because you have to come up

with, like, better excuses.

You should've been, "I have a fianc too.

But he's getting a penile reduction..."

...because his penis is so big

every time it lands like a poltergeist."

Can't think of anything when I see him.

I just can't believe

I gave up everything for him.

It's just, I felt so stupid.

I left my friends, my family...

Don't say that, I'm happy you moved here.

We have a happy life together.

He was my person.

He was your person. You know

what kind of person he ended up?

The person that ends up with a girl

that makes out after she eats yellowtail.

I like sushi. She seemed really nice.

She was really pretty.

Well, I don't give a sh*t about her.

I give a sh*t about you and your love life.

I'm going out, dating, meeting guys.

Oh, please, you're not... You date,

but you're not taking it seriously.

Don't use that brand, it leaves a film.

That one's much more effective.

I wish you would act like that

with men.

You can choose a laundry detergent,

but you can't choose a guy you want...

That's my job. It's easier.

There's charts, there's numbers.

That's why you start online dating.

They have lots of charts.

- Not that again.

- What is your problem with online?

What's my problem?

Do you watch Dateline?

How many creeps are out there?

I could end up a skin suit

or in somebody's trunk.

Uh, that's a little dramatic, okay?

That happens to, like, one in 20 girls.

You're not gonna end up in a trunk.

If you're lucky...

...somebody will end up in your trunk.

That's your trunk.

Ha, ha. Stop.

You need to get back out there, okay?

Yeah, sure, you might make a mistake

and end up with the wrong guy...

...but you might end up meeting

the right guy. So isn't that worth it?

What is the worst thing

that could happen?

Skin suit. Skin suit's pretty bad.

Thank you for having me

to your nana's.

Are you kidding me? You're

my best friend. We're family.

Oh, my God.

- This is gluten-free. Try a taste.

- Hm?

Why the heck are you two sitting over here

all by yourselves?

You're not gonna make me

any great-grandbabies this way.

It is a family gathering, Nana.

I don't think you want us

making any great-grandbabies.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes

Timothy Dowling

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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