The Wipers Times Page #6

No, we don't and if we did they'd

certainly be a lot funnier.

The Wipers Times should put that

right, sir.

Good idea, Dodd.

Since Dodd has joined

the editorial conference,

I propose we take his excellent

suggestion on board

and include something suitably

melodious in the issue.

What do you have in mind?

We all love the music hall, sir!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to the Cloth Hall at Ypres.

Best ventilated hall in the town.

Tonight, for your delectation,

we proudly present

positively the greatest

collection of performers ever

collected in one place at one time.

Yes, it's Mr Thomas Atkins And Co in

their stupendous new revue,

The Big Bangs Are Here.

Oooh!

With music by Mr R Tillery.

And not to mention

Mrs Miniworther,

who always meets with

a thunderous reception.

And not forgetting Bouncing Bertha,

who's only 17 inches high...

but is guaranteed to bring

the house down.

And, there's more, with Hind and

Berg, sword swallowers...

and nail eaters.

And introducing the world's favourite

comedian, Kaiser Bill...

and his little Willie.

That's the crown prince I'm talking

about.

Thank you. But I promised you a song

and a song you shall have.

A pleasing patriotic performance

from our very own privates -

The Atkins brothers -

Thomas and Tommy.

I heard the bugles calling

Join up, I felt I must

Now I wish I'd left them bugles go

on blowing till they bust.

Yes, this show is going to run,

and run and run and run...

Dodd, did you go swimming? Give its

a rest, Smithy I was switching

patrols.

As you were, Smith.

Great news, Fred, apparently the war

will be over within the week.

Says who?

Says Hilaire Belloc.

Didn't he say the war was going to

be over within the week last week?

I rather think he did.

And the week before.

Now you're just jealous cos we don't

have a war expert of our own.

Somebody who really knows what's

going on.

Yes, you're right. Perhaps we should

employ our own Hilary Belloc.

What about Belary Helloc?

I hear he's very well informed.

Really?

So what is Mr Helloc's latest

take on the war?

Good evening.

I'm the famous Belary Helloc

and tonight my subject is

"why we are going to win the war."

Everything points to a speedy

disintegration of the enemy.

So let's just have a

look at the figures.

There are 12 million

fighting men in Germany.

Of these,

nine million are already killed,

or are being killed as we speak.

Leaving just three million.

Of these 2,500,000

are temperamentally

unsuitable for fighting owing to

obesity, due to eating sausages.

This leaves us just 500,000

as the full German strength.

Now, of these, 497,250 are suffering

from incurable diseases.

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