The Truth About Cats & Dogs

Synopsis: Janeane Garofalo plays Dr. Abby Barnes, the "Truth About Cats and Dogs" radio question-and-answer show host who unwittingly entices a listener over the radio with her soothing voice and personality. This listener, Brian, tries to meet the Abby from the radio, but Noelle, played by Uma Thurman, is mistaken for the real thing when Brian comes to the studio. Instead of clearing things up right away, the self-conscious Abby allows her best friend, Noelle, a tall, stunning blonde, to take her place for a while. Abby takes on the made-up persona of Donna, while thinking Brian would never go for her, a short, cute, brunette, who thinks she's unattractive. As the real Abby woos Brian over the phone and radio, Noelle, the pseudo-Abby, takes her place in the flesh. As time goes on, Abby feels more and more confident that Brian would rather have the beautiful Noelle than the simply attractive Abby.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Michael Lehmann
Production: Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment
  2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
97 min

Wait, wait, wait!

(man) Oh, great.


Excuse me.

Don't touch that dial. It's not Texaco's Hour.

It's Dr Abby Barnes with "The Truth

About Cats & Dogs" and you're on the air.

- Hello?

- Hi.

Oh, hi. This is Charles from San Pedro.

My question is... I'm worried about

my basset hound, Clothilde.

- She doesn't wanna seem to eat.

- Well, you know what, Charles?

Basset hounds won't eat what they

can't smell. Does she have a cold?

She is coughing a little bit.

Is it like a dry wheezing type of cough...

...or is it a wetter, phlegm-based cough?

It's like the first one, the wheezy one.

- OK. Can you put her on?

- The dog? On the phone?

- Yeah.

- OK.

Clothilde, come here, baby!

- Here she is, Doctor.

- (wheezing)

Oh, baby! Yeah, she's got a cold, Charles.

You're gonna have to take her to the vet.

- Right now?

- Right away.

- Yes. Hello?

- Hello?

Yes, my name is Dan, OK? And I have a cat.

And he licked me up and down my face

and now I got this awful-lookin'rash.

- You're allergic to his saliva, Dan.

- No, I'm not.

I mean,

I never have been prior to this occasion.

But he licked your face

and now it's all gross, correct?

- Well, yeah.

- OK. How long did this tongue-bath last?

Well, it started at one...

- About three hours.

- Oh, Dan!

No, no, it doesn't seem to hurt him any.

He's a fur person, Dan. He chases imaginary

bugs up the wall. Are you gonna do that too?

- Imaginary? No.

- OK, this is a good time to talk about limits.

You can love your pets,

butjust don't... love your pets.

You know what I mean? Repeat after me.

Us, them.

Us, them.

Us, them.

Hi, babyhead!

How are you?

Wanna come read with me, huh?

Sweetest of all possible

sweet cats in the world?

Huh? Sweetie?

I think we're gonna paint this weekend. Yes.

You're going to paint, and I'll watch.

Now you can watch me read.

Well, can I have a kiss?

You didn't kiss me when I came home.

Thank you. Thank you, my lovely.

- (knock at door)

- (man) Noelle?

Down the hall!

- (knocking continues)

- Come on, baby. Open up! It's me.

Ass. What an ass.

- You're not Noelle.

- Not today, no. But try again tomorrow.

- Who knows? You might get lucky.

- Is she...?

(cat hisses)

(Noelle) Over here, Roy!


- (Noelle) Sorry.

- It's OK.

Hello. My fish, he's depressed.

My vet said to bring in a blood sample, so I

tranquillised him in a 10% diazepam solution.

- But he's not moving now. Do I take him out?

- Absolutely.

You're sedating him,

not poaching him. Get him out.

We're gonna take a little break, and then

answer some more calls. Don't go away.

- Ready?

- Bring it on.

Fan mail, fan mail, fan mail... too fat.

- Oh, my God.

Bad dog, mad dog, sad dog...

...stinky cat problems.

- We're back in 30, Abby.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, Mario. I know her.

- No, you don't. Women like that don't exist.

- Yeah-huh. This one exists in my building.

Abby, you've got a caller on line three

who says his dog is hysterical.

- Hi, this is Dr Abby Barnes. You're on the air.

- (English accent) Brian from Venice.

- Hi, Brian. What's up?

- I've got a dog here that's a bit... out of sorts.

- Um-hm? And what's wrong with your dog?

- This is gonna sound strange.

He's wearing roller skates.

I see. And how did your dog

end up in roller skates?

He's not my dog.

I got him from the pound this morning.

I'm a photographer

and it's part of this shoot I'm doing.

- I thought you said he was a professional.

- He is. He's used to Chihuahuas and poodles.

It's the dog that's unprofessional.

Everyone, it's gonna be fine,

if we all just stay calm, OK?

- You've got to help me here.

- Alrighty. Let's help the dog first, then you.

Your dog is feeling very threatened,

so if you wanna take the skates off...

...approach him in the submissive position.

- I'm sorry?

- Get down on all fours.

You want me to help you,

you have to do what I say.




Crawl toward him with your head down and

cocked to one side. Do not make eye contact.

Don't make eye contact. OK.

- OK, how are you doin'?

- He seems interested in me.

Now you have to make him feel comfortable.

Soothe him with your voice.

You hear how I can make my voice

sound very soothing?

- (dog barks)

- Yes.

- Good boy.

- (growls)

Now reach out your hand, with your fingers

curled under like a paw, and touch his coat.

(dog growls)



Are all your digits intact, Brian?

- Yep.

- OK, now move forward.

Gently stroke his ears, putting pressure

at the tips. That's an acupressure point.

OK, just take it easy.

You're doin' good.

OK, careful. Go for the ears.

Go out to the tips of the ears.

Gently. OK?

- That sounds good.

- It's incredible.

Good boy.

- Thank you, but... we'll be leaving now.

- No, you don't have to leave.

These dogs are in the union now.

They're hard to work with.

- We appreciate it.

- Can you leave the child?

No, I don't think so.

Let's get these things off you.

Who put these on you?

Brian, I'd like to congratulate you

on the newest addition to your family.

What? No, I can't have a dog.

- Well, why's that?

- Well, um...

- Well, I live alone.

- Trust me. You're gonna like this a lot better.

- Maybe, but it's a big responsibility.

- Is that a bad thing?

No, not necessarily. It depends on what you

want. He's a big dog, which will take a lot of...

Eric will send you some pamphlets

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Audrey Wells

Audrey Wells (born April 29, 1960) is an American screenwriter, film director, and producer.Wells was born in San Francisco, California, and worked as a disc jockey at San Francisco jazz radio station KJAZ FM. She graduated from U.C. Berkeley and UCLA. She has written a number of successful screenplays and has directed three for which she had created the script. Among her notable works is The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996) and Under the Tuscan Sun (2003), both of which she also produced. Her works to date have been primarily comedies and/or romance films. Her 1999 film Guinevere was entered into the 21st Moscow International Film Festival.Wells co-wrote the script for the comedy The Game Plan. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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