The Swap Page #3

to that thing?

-Like, move on already!

-Yeah, I mean,

it was super sad

when her dad left, but,

like, life goes on and...

Ooh, is that

"paparazzi pucker"?

No, it's called

"lip glossip". Try it!

Maybe I can just tell her

she's being too clingy

and she'll, like,

change? I mean,

I don't want to actually

hurt her feelings.

Ok, ok, fine, give her

one more chance, keep her

on social life support.

But if she's her typical

buzzkill self at Claire's

party, it might be time

to pull the plug. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beeeeep.

It's my lucky day.

I got a crier and a kid

with a bloody nose.

Here. Wipe off

the tears, kid.

You took quite a hit, didn't

you, hon? You want cry?

We won't tell anybody.

Not crying. Not a girl.

No offense.

None taken.

Oh, that makes it

less offensive?

"Not crying". Yeah,

'cause you've got nothing

to cry about! I mean,

you're a guy, aren't you?

If someone disses you,

you don't have to hide

in a bathroom stall.

-Guys have it so easy!

-Ok, pull it back, pit bull!

In what universe

do guys have it easy?

If some ginosaurus tricked

you into a fight, think

people'd blame you?!

No, you'd just get all emo

then hug it out with your

mom in the kitchen

-while you bake

banana bread or...

-Ok, zip it.

You wanna fight

the battle of the sexes?

Why don't you just text,

like every other kid does?

No more yakking

in my office.

-This one's hers,

mine is the pink one.

-I don't care and I mean it.

Keep those Mac'n'cheese

holes shut.

Fine, you wanna goof off,

I'm gonna go to the snack

bar, get myself some

pork rinds.

I love pork rinds.

Why am I on the floor?

Did I forget deodorant?

I smell like a dude.

And why does my thumb taste

like athletic tape and dirt?

What the what? Wait,

who painted my fingernails?

You... you stole my face!

You stole my whole body!

How'd you get inside?

How'd I get inside?

This is like a nightmare!

I feel so grimy!

Dude! Slap me,

and I'll slap you,

and we'll see if we can slap

each other -ourselves-

back to reality!

Ok.

-Ow!

-Oh!

Oh, sorry! Boy hands

just hit so hard!

Ew, why am I so sweaty

in weird places?

-What is the purpose

of underarm hair?

-Dude, focustrate!

What exactly were we doing

right before this...

This thing happened?

Texting. We were texting!

-"I wish I had your life..."

- "Take it. Then

I'd get yours."

We did this!

No! No! It's just a stupid text!

I once texted a wish

that I could power fart myself

across the ice and trust me,

that didn't happen!

Ok, you're right. I mean, a text

can't have that kind of power.

Investing too much emotional

energy in an object could make

it a totem and give it power

-over you.

-But wait! A totem can!

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