The Submarine Kid

Once upon a time...

...or so the story has been told...

...a boy became acquainted

to a life under water.

Or as the locals would tell you...

...a boy became a fish.

The boy came from

an average suburb...

...of a great American city.

While other kids played typical

childhood games...

...our boy was holding his breath.

He held his breath everywhere.

As the boy grew...

...he dazzled all the town's people

with his spectacular ability.

And his legend grew.

The summer before he was

to go off into the world...

...the town's people pled for

him to showcase his talents

one final time.

Now, ladies and gentlemen

boys and girls

I give you...

...The Submarine Kid.

This was his final

goodbye to the town

before entering the real world

of endless responsibilities

and tedious obligation.

As the minutes grew longer

the people got nervous.

But those closest to him

assured the rest of the crowd

that this was all part

of his grand exhibition.

But doubts was creeping in.

As the clock turned to 20

minutes past the hour...

...even the ones who knew him best

started to panic.

His girl was the first to

break away from the crowd...

...to search.

They all searched...

...and searched...

...and searched.

And they're still searching...

...to this day.

Oh.

He's here.

Oh.

There he is.

Oh, look at you.

- Welcome home, son.

- Oh, Josh, careful, careful.

Ah, he's fine. He looks

great. He looks great.

Oh, honey, we missed you so much.

- We would have come to get you.

- I know.

Well, why didn't you want

us to come to get you?

Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

What's up, dingleberry?

- Hi.

- Hey, you.

I love you.

I told your mom not to clean too much.

I know how you like for

things to stay the same.

Hmm.

Spencer, Emily, dinner!

But that's what I keep telling him.

Uh, well, I am just glad that he's home

so we get to see you more.

Hmm, well, that's the real reason

why I wanted him to come home

so I could hang out with you guys.

So, Spence, you must be

ready to get back to shop.

You know, if he was a girl

we were gonna name him Emily.

- Ran into Marc the other day.

- Really?

He said he could use some help down there.

Who is it, honey?

Just the guys.

Oh, the rat pack.

I think you should answer it.

- Hey.

- Yo, dude!

Hey, man.

Yeah. I'm home.

- Oh, Nathan's?

- No!

Uh-huh, there was just

a shooting over there.

Mom, he just got back from Afghanistan

I think he can handle Echo Park.

Uh, well, why don't

you guys just come here?

Oh, okay, I'll ask her. Hey, mom...

- No.

- Oh, yeah.

She says, "Go f*** yourself, Mailer."

- Ooh!

- Language. Language.

Okay. Yeah, I don't

know, I-I'll let you know.

Okay. Okay, bye.

We should go.

Okay.

Then maybe later I can show you...

I can go.

Oh, that's right, you're of age.

Well, why don't... You

don't have to go tonight.

I mean you could see them anytime you want.

You're back now... for good.

How do you know that?

What?

I saw it on the news.

Look, just-just don't

scare your brother, okay?

- They're all back for good.

- Wait a minute.

Cooper, you don't think that's true?

Oh, stop it, Josh, of course it is.

Three times was enough.

They are not sending you back again.

- I'm just sayin'...

- Spencer!

Please will you tell your brother?

Let's just go real quick.

I wanna show you the

apartment, it's really cute.

Uh... Let's just clean up here.

I'll tell you what, if I had

been at the desert that long

they'd have to tear me

away from your bedroom.

I can't believe he's goin'

out with his friend's tonight.

Hey, he's young, he

wants to see his buddies.

- They can't send him back.

- No, they won't.

- They can't do that to us.

- They won't, he's home.

- He's fine, he said...

- But we don't know...

Don't listen to Cooper, he doesn't know!

- It's all rumors.

- We don't know.

How can you know?

Hey, um, can we have the keys?

- Can't Emily take you?

- She's not going.

That's good. See you later.

Monogamy is an intellectual choice.

Amen!

We're all f***ing animals,

okay? And that is my point.

And if you think that you

have total self control...

Hey, Paul, if you think that

you have total self control

then... I don't know, man

your girlfriend probably f***ing hates you.

Doesn't matter to me 'cause

Imma be f***ing her either way.

- You're an idiot.

- Hey.

Yo, f*** me, little brother.

All grown up and sh*t.

'Sup, Howie. Where's Toad?

- Everything set?

- How's your mom doing, Coop?

- Uh, fine.

- See, perfect example.

You think his mom doesn't have

self-control, you're a dumbass.

She's been ignoring your

little dick for years.

Yeah, well, you gotta put in the 50 years

if you wanna get the gold watch.

I mean think about how many of

us have rocked their hurricane

with Darla over there.

See, that is my point exactly.

We are not built to put

our seed in just one garden.

What does, uh, "Garden"

refer to in this context?

What the f*** do you think

"Garden" refers to, dude?

Garden!

Garden, vagina, garden, okay?

And if you think a woman

doesn't have a libido

then you, my friend,

are the f***ing dumbass.

When's the last time you used your libido?

What's up, puberty?

Big brother comes home, think

you can join the conversation?

Don't pick on him,

Mailer, you f***ing bully.

There he is.

Get over here, get over here.

Spencer, you jarhead dick Jake Gyllenhaal

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