The Slender Thread

(TIRES SQUEAL)

You need a hand,

Mr. Newell?

A head, Dr. Coburn.

I have finals tomorrow.

You should have

called in

And asked

for a substitute.

I thought of that

all the way over here.

Is it quiet up there?

Listen, I'd like

to steal an evening

and spend it with my son.

Will you be

all right alone?

Let's see.

I left a number

with Marion,

But if you don't

have to call...

You have a good time.

MARION:
Four.

Hi.

Hi.

Six.

Eight. Ten.

Ten enough?

Twelve.

And 12.

I wrote a number down

for Dr. Coburn.

It's right

by the phone.

Anything?

Not a creature

stirring.

Let me know how

you like the coffee.

It's a new brand.

Good night.

Good night.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

(RINGING)

Crisis Clinic.

Newell speaking.

MAN:
Newell, huh?

What have you got

against barbers?

It depends

on the haircut.

Well, I'm a barber.

Your name, please.

Rudy.

Rudy Leachman.

Your age, please,

Mr. Leachman.

Ah, come on.

What's age got

to do with it?

I bet you're one

of those guys who think

barbers got pension plans.

(RINGING)

Would you hold the phone

a moment please?

Mac, where you going?

There are some

things you ought

to learn about barbers.

Crisis Clinic.

Newell speaking.

WOMAN:
I have to talk

to somebody.

BARBER:
You know, there are

11,000 barbers

in this country?

Hold the phone

a moment, please.

Well, I'm one

of the best.

Cutting hair

is an art.

Sir...

That's right. I said an art.

I suppose you think

barbers never shut up.

Well, it's

a two-way street.

I'm going to have to

call you back.

I've got somebody

on the other line.

Would you please

give me a number?

You ought to

hear the things

people say.

They ought to be

ashamed.

Hold the phone

a minute.

Wait a minute. I stood

next to my chair

listening...

I'm here now.

You can talk to me

if you like.

WOMAN:
What did you say

your name was?

Newell.

N-E-W-E-L-L.

Alan Newell.

May I ask

who's calling, please?

Does it make

any difference?

You know my name.

Why shouldn't

I know yours?

Now, what do I call you?

Please?

Stupid.

Not you. Me.

Just call me stupid.

Why, miss?

Missus.

I planned everything

except the car keys.

What if they

don't find them?

It's a brand-new car.

Maybe there's something

I can do about that.

I could mail them,

I suppose,

But I don't have a stamp,

And I can't go out now,

even if I did.

I want Mark

to have them.

How old are you?

I'm just trying

to get a picture.

You know, it makes it easier

if I can kind of

see the person.

I'm 30.

An old 30.

Look, miss...

Missus.

Why can't we be

sociable,

And I call you missus

but Mrs. what?

Ah, you're well trained,

aren't you?

I beg your pardon?

Talking

to disturbed people.

Are you disturbed?

BARBER:

Why don't you say

something, mac?

WOMAN:
Not anymore.

That's good.

Very simple cure,

Mr. Newell.

Just hold out one hand

and pour yourself

the right kind of pills,

Then open your mouth

and swallow.

BARBER:
Hey, speak,

will you?

Ain't you got

no point of view?

Do I understand

that you're

Thinking of taking

barbiturates?

WOMAN:
You do not

understand me.

Well, I'm glad of that.

I am not thinking

of taking barbiturates.

I have taken barbiturates.

I am checking out,

Mr. Newell.

Except for

these damn keys.

I don't know

what to do about them.

I could have them

picked up.

Good night, Mr. Newell.

I mean, goodbye.

No.

Oh?

I want to talk

to you.

I mean, I need

to talk to you.

Didn't you need

to talk to somebody

just a moment ago?

Well?

Now I need

to talk to somebody.

What kind of psychology

is that?

I'm not

a psychiatrist, lady.

I'm a student at the U.

I come up here

one night a week.

I sit by the phone,

when the phone rings,

I answer it.

I'm a volunteer.

BARBER:
I got

another reason...

You understand that,

lady?

You understand

the irony of that?

On the most important

night of your life,

When you need somebody

who really knows,

You had to pick me?

BARBER:
how I cut

their husbands' hair.

Ma'am?

Ma'am?

WOMAN:
I heard you,

Mr. Newell.

I need a cup of coffee.

The pot is

just over there

On the other side

of the room.

But if I go get it,

will you...

Will you stay

on the line?

Will you promise me?

Just please promise

to stay on the line

Till I get

a cup of coffee.

I might.

I might not.

Just hold on one second,

And I'll get some coffee.

BARBER:
Ain't you got

no point of view?

Come on, speak,

will you?

Mac, are you still there?

Look, mister,

I've got an emergency

on our other line.

Please give me

your number.

Forget it, mac.

(HANGS UP)

FEMALE OPERATOR:
Operator.

May I help you?

This is Alan Newell.

Crisis Clinic.

Got a woman

on our other line.

Maine 2-1454.

One moment, please.

Yes?

All right.

Go ahead, sir.

ALAN:
Got a woman

on our other line.

She's taken pills.

I need an emergency trace.

Would you hold

the line a minute,

sir?

I can't.

I'll lose her.

How long

will it take?

Sir, that depends on

where the call's

originating.

Get a hold of

a Dr. Joe Coburn.

Mutual 2-4530.

This is Operator 43,

Unit 3.

Emergency.

I need a trace incoming

to the Crisis Clinic

at Maine 2-1454.

Maine 2-1454.

Make it

as fast as I can.

ALAN:
Hello.

WOMAN:
How's the coffee?

Marion, she's

the secretary here,

She makes

the hairiest coffee

in the world.

You sound nervous.

It comes through, huh?

(LAUGHING)

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