The Rules of Attraction

It's a story that might bore you, but you don't

have to listen 'cause I knew it'd be like that.

[ROCK MUSIC]

And it was in that last year,

or actually weekend,

really a Friday in December at Camden,

years ago when I was a different person,

I was so drunk

that I ended up losing my virginity.

I lost it to a guy

I thought was a ceramics major,

but who was either an NYU film student

there for The End Of The World, or a townie.

I actually had my eye on someone else

that night. Victor.

[VICTOR] With European girls,

it's just a numbers game.

If you stand in any European city

and you ask every girl that walks by

if she'll f*** you, one in 20 will say yes.

A drama major just back from Europe.

Only a little gay, with flecked blond hair,

a great body, and amazing grey eyes.

Bam, 20th one and you're f***ing!

It's a confirmed statistic, man!

But Victor was f***ing my room-mate Lara.

She gave him mono before he dumped her.

I'm told that, after I left Camden,

she got really drunk

and went wandering through Windham House

and did the whole football team.

[ROCK MUSIC]

She's now married to a senator

and has four kids. How time distorts things.

So you know the movie?

It was labelled a Tarantino film even though

he was credited as an executive producer...

So this guy from NYU,

who wasn't even a good Victor facsimile,

and I were talking on this ratty old couch.

- I'm sure you've seen this Russian movie...

- Yeah, yeah.

I kept agreeing with his likes and dislikes,

all the time thinking that, while he might not

be Victor, he was cute enough.

..real sh*t.

I was sure I was mispronouncing

the film-makers' names,

remembering the wrong actors, naming

the wrong cinematographers, but I wanted him.

..same kind of silent movie actors' quality.

Has anyone ever told you

that you look like Clara Bow? You do!

I'm serious. I know these things and...

I could see that his gaze

was drifting toward Kristin Notneff.

She looked back with confidence

because she knew, underneath her clothes,

she had on a black bra with matching panties,

which I didn't.

Oh, sorry, what was I talking about?

But I had the next best thing.

I've got a joint in my room.

Except it wasn't my room.

It was Lorna Slavin's room,

who was at her boyfriend's house

probably swallowing his DNA.

And I didn't have a joint either and,

if I did, it would have been Lorna Slavin's joint.

He wouldn't have cared if I had one or not.

I must have passed out around then.

When I came to, he was f***ing me,

but he didn't know I was a virgin and it hurt.

Not that badly, not as bad as I'd been taught

to expect, but not exactly pleasant either.

I heard another voice in the room.

I wanna see you do her

like Ron Jeremy would.

I remember the weight on the bed shifting

and realising that this person behind me

wasn't the NYU student, but somebody else.

Oh, my God, it was some townie!

I had actually lost my virginity to a townie.

This wouldn't have happened with Victor.

He would've taken me gently

in his big, strong drama major arms

and undressed me quietly and expertly.

Taken my bra off with grace and ease

and it probably wouldn't have hurt.

I should've given myself to Victor last term

when I had the chance.

- We gotta put the keg somewhere.

- Not there, it's f***ing my shot.

Get the f*** out before you ruin my movie!

- Gross!

- Much better!

I always knew it was gonna be like this.

[TALKS BACKWARDS]

I just get the feeling

my life lacks forward momentum.

Like everything is moving by so quickly

that time just seems to stop.

[POOL BALLS CLACK]

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