The Rambler

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( fire crackling )

( wind howling )

( footsteps running )

- ( door slams )

- ( men shouting )

( banging )

Men:

Come on! Yeah, get him!

( cheering continues )

( banging )

( door slams )

Guard:

She know what day it is?

She knows.

Listen, uh...

I gotta get back.

( lighter clicks )

Good luck.

( gate rattles )

( beeping )

Ho down, down

Ho down, dee

Red bird dance a penitentiary

A jailer stoned and

he barred the door

Red bird gone, yeah, to fly no more

Black crow see, black crow knew

New Orleans is where

the red bird flew

I been born and I'm gonna die

Blood red wing,

you gonna make me cry

Rusty wing, a dead dark thing

Crows too loud now

when the red bird sing.

( indistinct radio playing )

A letter come from your brother.

At least I think it's him.

Oregon address.

It's in that glove box.

Roberta said you could

get your old job back at that pawn shop.

I guess that's a start.

Yeah, well, I think you're lucky.

( radio playing )

Goin' down New Orleans

Red bird dancin'

and a red bird...

( static plays, stops )

( dog barking )

Woman:

Surprise.

All:

Surprise! Ahh!

You son of a b*tch!

We missed you!

- Yeah.

- Welcome home, d*ckhead.

How was the man p*ssy in the slammer?

- ( laughing )

- Give me one of those.

Yeah, he's back.

How many years you do anyways?

- Four.

- ( man laughing )

You f***in' queer!

( cackling )

Welcome back, brother.

( cackling continues )

Thank you.

( cackling continues )

( music playing within )

Man, it's so good to have you back.

I thought about you damn near every day.

- Hello, gang.

- Shut up!

She's a good woman.

She's a rock.

Y'all heard the one about the gardener?

Douche box!

Actually, I believe douche comes in a can.

( men laughing )

( men chanting )

Do it, do it, do it!

- Take it in your mouth, hippie!

- Do it, do it!

- Do it, do it!

- Argh-hh!

- ( cackling )

- ( men hooting )

- ( men laughing )

- Do it, do it, do it.

- Do it!

- ( men hooting )

Come on!

( static crackles )

( TV static crackles )

( police radio plays softly )

( fizzles, pops )

( strumming softly )

Hold on, Luke.

What the f*** you doin'?

Eating lunch.

Well, eat it out front, then!

I ain't paying you

to be no Bob-ass-Dylan!

Sorry, ma'am.

Oh, sorry about that.

( Roberta's voice fades )

( police radio chatter continues )

Can I help you, ma'am?

I got these rings,

this necklace.

Emeralds...

they're my birthstone.

How much you want?

I want a gun.

Roberta:

He can't touch no gun, Shirley.

Just got out of prison.

Gonna have to wait for me.

Roberta:
Oh, f*** it.

I gotta go. Bye.

Go. Sweep.

What can I do for you, honey?

- Pistol?

- Shotgun.

I'm going on a trip.

( beeping )

- ( women laughing )

- ( gunshots firing )

- Ha! Get him!

- Ha ha!

( women hooting )

( gunfire continues )

( sizzling, radio playing softly )

( spatula clatters )

( yells )

God damn it!

What?

What's your f***in' prob, huh?

What?

Can't get hard for me no more?

I guess I'm still adjusting, Cheryl.

Adjusted to what?

Huh?

A female?

Hey, maybe Kenny was right.

The joint queered you.

I ain't queer.

Just don't feel right yet.

Well, maybe I ain't willing

to wait for you to feel right!

A lot of men want to f*** me, you know?

Gerald,

Kenny,

Steven,

and countless other scum-fucks

whose names I don't even recall.

You must be proud.

You know, I was gonna

lie to you out of courtesy,

but f*** you,

here it comes...

I'm pregnant!

Gerald?

Daryl.

Cheryl and Daryl.

I like that.

May be something in there.

F*** you!

Get the f*** out!

Sorry motherf***er.

( screams )

F***in' go!

Get out!

- ( gunfire blasts )

- ( screaming )

( continues shouting )

( bullet zinging )

Don't you ever f***in' come back here!

( screaming continues )

( doorbells jangling )

( motor whirring )

( truck rumbling )

( spits )

God.

( gagging )

Sh*t.

( door beeps )

So what's your excuse now, dipshit?

Cheryl kicked me out again.

So where the hell did you sleep?

Under a...

under a thing.

Well, that sounds nice,

but I pay you to open!

Oh, sh*t.

I don't f***ing have time

to deal with this right now.

I have got to meet a client.

You stay here until I get back.

And then we will discuss

your employment.

( door beeps )

You know you're an a**hole, right?

A grown a**hole.

( cans rattle )

Pssh-shew.

( tires squeal )

Daryl:

Welcome back, brother.

Kenny:

You f***in' queer!

Cheryl:

F*** you, here it comes.

Roberta:

A grown a**hole!

- Freeze.

- Cheryl:
Pregnant!

Man:

We missed you!

This you?

Yes, sir.

Man's voice:

"Dearest brother,

been a long time since we last spoke.

It seems you're not the easiest fellow

to track these days,

so if you're even reading this,

I'll consider it a bit of a miracle.

Anyway, I've been running

a little pony ranch

just outside of Sun River.

Got a lot of colts this year

and Susan just had another boy...

a human.

Anyway, I know you hate

that cowboy stuff and all,

but we could sure use a good hand out here.

Plus you have some new family to meet.

So if you can make it

out to Oregon, you got a job

and a soft place to land. "

Rambler's voice:

"Dearest brother,

I have decided to join you and your family

on the Oregon ranch.

Just like old times, I guess.

I have found myself far from home,

so I apologize in advance

for my delayed arrival.

But unless I die or something worse,

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