The Pirates! Band of Misfits

Synopsis: After years of humiliation and failed attempts to win the coveted Pirate of the Year Award, Pirate Captain and his oddball crew take on the cream of the pirating crop - Black Bellamy, Peg Leg Hastings and Cutlass Liz - in a race to pillage the most booty. They soon cross paths with lovelorn scientist Charles Darwin, who persuades the Captain that the crew's prized 'parrot', Polly, could be the answer to the 'untold riches' they are searching for. Their adventure takes them to Victorian London where they meet Darwin's sidekick 'man-panzee' Mister Bobo, and the notorious pirate-hating Queen Victoria herself. It soon unfolds that Darwin's motives for helping the crew are not what they seem, and the Queen has an evil hidden agenda of her own. The Pirate Captain must choose between basking in the glory of being crowned Pirate of the Year, or staying faithful to his trusted crew.
Director(s): Peter Lord, Jeff Newitt (co-director)
Production: Sony Pictures
  Nominated for 1 Oscar. Another 19 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.7
Rotten Tomatoes:
87%
PG
Year:
2012
88 min
$31,051,126
Website
1,545 Views


Admiral Collingwood!

Well, Admiral?

Great news, Your Majesty!

The French are defeated at last.

Also the Russians, the Portuguese,

the Chinese...

...and the Welsh.

Then our navy rules the ocean.

Almost entirely, Your Majesty.

"Almost"?

Unfortunately, just here,

we're still having a

little trouble with...

...pirates.

What does it say on

my royal crest, Admiral?

"I hate pirates,"

ma'am.

Exactly.

Hate them.

With their idiotic shanties!

And their ridiculous hats!

And their endless, blasted roaring!

I want them sunk, Admiral!

Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks.

Do you hear me?

I hate pirates!

It's the looting.

It's the cutlasses.

It's the looting!

It's the cutlasses!

Looting!

Cutlasses!

Looting!

Sorry, Captain.

We were just discussing

what's the best bit about being a pirate.

You were, were you?

I suggested it might be the looting.

Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses.

And I thought

it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.

Well, you're, all of you, wrong.

The best bit about being a pirate

isn't the looting or the cutlasses.

It's not the grog or the scurvy.

Or the scantily clad mermaids.

The best bit about being a pirate

is Ham Night!

Ham Night!

Ham Night!

Ham!

On your nose.

Go, Captain. Go, Captain.

Hey! Hey!

It's like a meat ballet.

- To Ham Night!

- Ham!

- And to the Pirate Captain!

- Pirate Captain!

Pirate Captain!

How was that, Number Two?

You've still got it, Captain.

I'd take a jellyfish in

the face for that man.

Okay, now, shush, shush, shush.

Settle down, lads. Shush.

- Lads, lads.

- Pirates!

- It's not all about me.

- Don't be modest.

No, no, no.

Behind every captain with glittering eyes

- and a luxuriant beard...

- Luxuriant!

That's what it is.

...there's a crew of briny rogues.

Briny rogues!

Sure, some of you

are as ugly as a sea cucumber.

Will you get away with ya?

Some of you are closer

to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate.

And some of you

are just fish I've dressed up in a hat.

But you're still the best crew

a captain could wish for.

Don't forget Polly.

And not forgetting, never forgetting...

...Polly. The finest parrot

to sail the seven seas.

Come on, girl.

I love her beady eyes.

Who's the feathery

heart and soul of our boat?

Is it you? Is it you?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

It's definitely you, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Right. Where was I?

Ah, yes! Ah, yes.

Important announcement.

By order of the Pirate King himself...

The Pirate of the Year Awards?

Are you going to...

Are you going to enter again?

That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate.

I know it hasn't

worked out perfectly for the last...

-20 year.

-20 years, yeah.

Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years.

It might be a bit more. 21, 22...

Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.

- You were very good, though.

- Shush!

The point is,

every time I've entered, I've failed to win.

So by the sheer law of maths...

Maths.

...I must have a really

good chance this time.

Are you with me, lads?

Yes! This can only end brilliantly.

Then let's go plundering!

Land ho!

Blood Island.

So-called because

it's the exact shape of some blood.

Yeah!

Excuse me. Mind out.

Captain coming through.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

One Pirate of the Year

entry form, if you please.

Thank you.

Now, let's see.

"Booty"?

Oh, yes.

"Roaring. " Check.

Shanties.

I shall put "rousing. "

"Beard"?

Luxuriant.

Obviously.

Do you think I should sign it in blood?

Make it more dramatic?

Might be a bit on the showy side.

Bit too much. You might be right.

Pirate Captain.

You can't lose, Captain.

I'd bet my face.

Well, thank you, Albino Pirate.

You're a shoo-in, sir.

Sure, there's not a pirate

on the seven seas can match you.

Lock up your daughters!

It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings!

Back from plunderin' the Spanish Main.

Good grief.

And I reckon this will make me

Pirate of the Year.

Don't worry, sir.

He's all flash and no bang.

Cutlass Liz.

The Butcher of Barbados.

Hello, boys.

You're probably all wondering

if I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful.

Well, I am.

Hello, Cutlass, you trollop.

Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait.

Check it out, lubbers.

The world's biggest diamond.

That baby's got my name on it.

She doesn't even have a beard.

Sweet Neptune's briny pants.

Black Bellamy.

Roar!

Read it and weep, ya coves!

That's right, Black Bellamy is

gonna be Pirate of the Year.

Again.

How are you? Good to see you.

Grog for everybody!

Grog for everybody!

Wow, we are rubbish

compared to them, aren't we?

Perhaps we should be off, sir.

Yes.

Yes, yes, good point.

I just remembered, actually,

I have some very important

bits of rope I need to untangle.

Thank you.

Well, if it isn't the Pirate Captain.

Hello, Bellamy. Cutlass. Peg-Leg.

Didn't notice you come in.

The beard's looking great, my man.

And I see that you're more wanted than ever.

Come on, everybody, be nice.

Give him a break.

Bring it down a little bit. All right.

Seriously, Captain,

how's the pirating business treating you?

Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly.

Thanks for asking.

Treasure coming out of my eyeballs.

Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes.

Really?

If you've got so much booty,

then how come

you're still sailing that old wreck?

Anyway, look,

I'd love to stay and chat, but, you know,

places to pillage, people to...

People to skewer.

Come on!

That is disgusting.

Wait a minute.

Captain, what is this?

- What?

- Captain?

That's nothing.

Could I possibly have that back?

- Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait.

- Thank you.

"Pirate of the Year"?

You're entering Pirate of the Year?

No, no, no, no, no.

- Yes.

- Again?

Yes!

Come on. Listen, did they change the rules?

I mean, I always thought they gave it

to the pirate with the most booty.

Do they now just give it to the guy

with the fattest parrot?

She is not fat. She's just big-boned.

She's fat, dude.

Yeah, go on. Go on, then, laugh.

Everyone laugh.

Ignore them, Captain. It's not worth it.

The trophy would just clash

with your wallpaper, anyway.

You'll see, you'll see.

I will be Pirate of the Year.

Yes.

And then you'll be laughing on

the other side of your faces.

Yes.

And believe me, that is

a very painful thing to do.

Come on, lads.

Well...

All right, now listen up, you coves.

All right, now listen up, you coves.

'We'll show those swabs

a thing or two about pirating.

There's still time

to fill these chests with sparkling booty.

I can practically taste that trophy!

Trophy! Trophy! Trophy!

Captain! Sail off the port bow!

Let's get after her, Number Two.

Aye, aye, sir.

Clap on all sail!

Royals and topgallants!

Release those gallants!

Fire those long things that go bang.

Fire cannons four and six!

Eat cannonball, lubbers.

Here we go, lads! Look and learn.

Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!

Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain.

And I'm here for your gold.

Gold? This is a plague boat, old man.

I'd give my right arm for some gold.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote

Gideon Defoe

Gideon Defoe (born 1975) is a British writer and author of The Pirates!, a series of comedy books following a group of pirates on their adventures. more…

All Gideon Defoe scripts | Gideon Defoe Scripts

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