The National Health

Synopsis: The British National Health System is skewered in this comedy set in a rundown London hospital. The hospital is filled with wacky staff members and patients, and the film strives to get all it can from their humorous escapades. The movie also includes a satire-within-a-satire, with "Nurse Norton's Affair" providing a send-up of TV hospital soap operas.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jack Gold
Production: Sony Pictures Entertainment
  Nominated for 1 BAFTA Film Award. Another 1 win.
95 min


The present demand for hot water

is more than the hospital

boilers can supply.

Would all departments please use hot water

as economically as possible. Thank you.

Will Dr Singh please

report to Bannister Ward.

- Will Dr Singh please report...

- Wait a moment.

Sister? Where should I put

this new patient?

- In Mr Lucas's bed.

- Come on there, move on.

All right, Mr Barnet.

This is your bed.

Nurse Sweet? Screens round

this patient's bed, please.

Oh, right, Staff!

I'll get you some pyjamas.

Morning all!

Morning, friend!

Good morning!

Wonderful spirit!

You're not allowed to sit on the bed.

Which bed is for stripping?

Oh, Kenneth's.

He's going out this morning.

Which is Kenneth?

Surely you know Kenny?

They all look the same to me.

Patients are reminded that

record requests for Radio Battenberg

must be made before

half past eight A.M. Thank you.

Good morning.

I have a message for you.

It's that God gave

His only begotten Son,

that whosoever believeth in Him

should not perish,

but have everlasting life.

- He's welcome to it.

- Isn't it wonderful'?

The best news ever.

There is no death.

- I'm dying.

- Dying only to live.

- Oh, all right.

- God bless you, and get well soon.

Good morning, I have brought

you a message. Good news.

From my wife, is it?

God gave His only begotten

Son to save us.

I thought it was about the taxi.

Every one of us.

You could help them to

quicken it up?

God bless you, and get well soon.

"In all our perplexities,

worries and care..."

- Good morning.

- How d'you do?

Have you heard the news?

I was just about to.

God so loved the world

that he gave His only begotten Son,

that whosoever believeth in Him

should not perish

but have everlasting life.

There is no death.

I've got the greatest possible respect

for other people's beliefs...

God bless you, and get well soon.

But if what you say is true,

where does that put Mr Lucas?

He was in that next bed there,

till last night!

Have you heard the news?

Er, Jesus died to give us life!

- It's wonderful news!

- It certainly is! Thank you.

God bless you,

and get well soon.

Good morning...

They ought to stop her coming round.

Oh, I don't know.

People don't want religion when

they're not feeling up to the mark.

And get well soon.

I'm off then. Ta-ta, mates!

Goodbye, Kenny.

Take care on that motorbike, now.

My father used to say,

"Better five minutes late in this world

than fifty years early in the next."

- He sounds like a lot of fun!

- He was wonderful.

You're old enough to have

consideration for others.

I got consideration!

'Ere, d'you know what

got me in here this time?

Dodging a dog!

I've never killed an animal.

Never would. I'm animal minded.

Hitler liked animals.

- Who?

- He was opposed to blood sports.

- Hitler'?

- Who's he when he's at home?

Oh, you're never walking

through the streets like that!

My girl's brought the bike.


Must be school holidays, then.

No. She ought to be in school, but

she took the morning off to get me.

I'll be taking her straight home,

see my animals have been looked after,

then get round to her!

Oh, well, goodbye then, Kenneth.

We'll be keeping your bed warm for you,

if you've no objection.

- All depends how.

- Now then.

- Eh? All depends how!

- Now just stop that!

- You'll get her into trouble!

- Hear that? Get you into trouble!

That was Mr Lucas's bed!

It's my bed!

I haven't even laid in it yet!

Now, I'll tell Sister!

I can take on Sister and all,

if she wants some.

Bye-bye, all. Gel well soon!

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Goodbye to you!

- He's gone long ago, doctor.

- Oh.

Bye bye, Sister!

- Ta-ra, mates!

- Are you off then, eh? Come back soon.

No, listen. Come here.

It's wicked to laugh, I know,

It's wicked to laugh, but I said to

this old man in the next ward,

"Dad, you better watch your step."

He said "Why?"

I said "They're bringing in

a case of syphilis."

He said "Well, it'll make a

change from Lucozade."

See ya!

Will Dr Singh please

report to Bannister Ward. Thank you.

Get a towel and have a bath

before you lie on those clean sheets.

They keep you busy here!

They wake you up

to give you a sleeping tablet!

No blackie pushes me around!

Er... which way is the bathroom?

What's his trouble, then?

The new man?

Haven't a clue.

He looks rather poverty stricken.

Got no pyjamas of his own.

I used to tell my boys in school,

"A decent voice, and a tailor-made suit

will always put you

a out above the scum."

This is Radio Battenburg.

God so loved the world

that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whosoever believeth in Him should

not perish but have everlasting life.

- Yes or no?

- What?

Have you had your bowels open?


Staff Nurse Norton awoke suddenly,

and moments passed before she realised

she was in her room in the Nurses' Hostel.

One name was on her lips: Neil.

How in the submarine

strangeness of the right ward

his fingers had touched hers

and their eyes had met.

Hi, Cleo! Wait for me!

On hi, Betty!

What makes you so impatient

to get on duty?

As though I didn't know!

Come in!

Ah, Neil.

You, er, wanted to see me, father?

Come in.

If ifs about the informality

of my ward rounds,

I've told you my views before.

You have indeed. At length.

Isn't it a shade ironic, father,

that you, the devout believer,

see other people as inferiors.

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Peter Nichols

Peter Richard Nichols CBE, FRSL (born 31 July 1927) is an English playwright, screenwriter, director and journalist. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "The National Health" STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Jun 2024. <>.

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