The Legend of Barney Thomson
- Year:
- 2015
- 123 Views
I've got two styles...
short back and sides.
And back and sides.
I start at the crown.
And work outwards methodically.
I like
a calm working environment.
Every barber has his quirk...
well, except me.
I've not got any.
Don't see the point. Really.
Head down...
get on with it.
That's me.
I prefer it
when they don't speak.
I cannae be bothered
speaking to them either.
I like the quiet.
So what makes a legend.
Do you think?
Heroism?
Well. That rules me out.
Self-sacrifice?
Not your man.
Nobility of purpose?
Can't help you there. Either.
My life's always been boring.
I don't mind that.
There's a place
for being boring.
Cuttin' hair is boring.
Sittin' at home is boring.
That was all right.
I was a boring kind of guy.
If you'd asked me back then.
Pd have said I was content.
Smilin' in the comer.
The rain runnin' down my neck.
Then fate decided
to leap on my back.
that I'd been nothing
all these years
but a howling ghost.
From nowhere. I was alive.
I'd never had to
deal with the law before.
Only had to look at a police
and! Shafted.
But circumstances changed...
and. Suddenly. I had my very own
one-to-one copper
breathing down my neck.
Everywhere I turned,
there he was...
this big slab of bastard
staring right back.
Yeah. I was alive. All right.
But for how long?
I'm Barney Thomson.
And this is the story
of what happens
when you move chairs.
I'm telling ye.
He's not
77 wins, and I'm talkin'
the pre-nutrition years.
14 knockouts on a diet
of Irn Bru and dog food.
Comics by the door, Charlie.
Thanks, Barney.
Sweetheart.
What you talkin' about?
Don't believe that.
She's a f***in' liar.
I Wasn't at Karen's.
I had to go the hospital.
A shadow on my lung.
Nah, nah. It's fine.
They gave me tablets.
What are we doin' tonight?
Maybe you can come by again,
and I could gie ye
another "Maryhill Moothfae"...
Oh! That's f***in' disgusting.
All right, Darling.
See you in a bit. Bye.
Right, up you come.
Doesn't even make sense.
Barney...
can I have a wee chat'?
Aye.
All this chatter
must be bothering ye, eh'?
What'?
Well, the boxing chat.
Is it bothering ye'?
Och.
might be happier up here.
- What, there?
- Aye.
Let me get this straight.
I was in the windae
for eight years,
then I was in the second chair,
then the third.
Now you want me
oot by the bins'?
I mean, that...
that's not even
a f***in' barber's chair!
F***!
You have nae patter, Barney.
Nae sparkle.
You hang over the customers
like a shitty cloud.
Scaring 'em away,
standing there
like a big streak of piss.
It's like
you've had a charisma bypass.
You look like a haunted tree.
That's all I'm saying.
Well, your dad brought me
into this shop 20 years ago.
I'd like to hear
What he has to say about this.
Eh'?
Right.
Let's get my da on the phone.
I'm a f***in'...
haunted tree'?
Shitty cloud...
Big streak of piss...
He's standing there
like a haunted tree.
Nae patten.
All right, who's next'?
I'm gonna wait
for Chris, thanks.
Yourself?
What about you'?
I'm just waitin' for Wullie,
if that's all right.
That's, uh... that's fine.
Actually, no.
It isnae bloody all right. No.
Not one of you want to get
your hair out by me'?
Am I... Am I that bad'?
What you want to wait
for these two for'?
It's half-past three already.
You'll no all get seen!
Are you mental?
Come on, Barney.
That's out of order.
What is this'?
Some kind of conspiracy?
First, you bump me
intae the back of beyond,
- then you tell this bunch of...
- Wankers'?
To... to refuse my services?
Is that it'?
Ye cannae have a go
at the customers.
Ah! F*** this, Wullie.
F*** this!
What's the point
of me even f***ing being here'?
F*** it!
F***!
Never a dull moment, eh'?
The lab results came back, sir.
They' re negative.
Brilliant.
What are you
gonna tell the public?
The public can f*** off.
To date, there have been
five victims
from the Glasgow area
and you haven't been
able to make a connection
between any of them.
You don't
even know where the bodies are,
except the bits the killer
sent to the next of kin.
This case
should be given to someone
with more local knowledge.
What
exactly are you doing all day?
Late last night...
officers from this station
came into possession
of a valuable
piece of evidence...
I am not at liberty to divulge.
So What's this
new piece of evidence, sir'?
Nothing. I lied.
Which is why
I'm in the shape of a frog.
The Superintendent
wants to see you.
Of course he does.
What are you playing at, 127'?
If you walk into
a room backwards,
with your trousers
round your ankles,
don't be surprised
if you get bummed rotten.
And never, never drag the force
in with you.
I'll not have my team
mass-bummed.
On your say-so!
Is that clear'?
Don't interrupt me.
You've got the whole country
thinking we've just about
when, as far as I can see,
in the two months...
two f***ing months
you've been on this case...
you've managed to narrow
your list of suspects down to.
"People in the Glasgow area
who've been to the seaside
in the last 12 weeks."
The killer will
think we're onto 'im,
and might make a mistake, sir.
He'd f***ing well better.
F***ing McManaman.
He's got to fill
his day up somehow.
I mean, his in-tray consists of
staring out the window.
over The Daily Star.
What's the big breakthrough?
F*** off! It's my case.
Is it an actual breakthrough,
or is it just
a we-made-it-up breakthrough?
What the f*** is that?
Inspiration!
Oh, I been meaning to ask ya,
"Touchy Little Boy' coming on'?"
Do you want to do this
right now'?
'Cause I'm f***ing
well up for it!
Get your tits out of my face.
Come on, number six.
Come on, number six!
Come on, get a move-on,
get a f***ing move-on!
Get a move-on!
Come on, come on!
You f***ing shite!
You wee f***ing shite!
You f***ing wee shite!
F***ing... f***ing dog.
- Christ.
- Here you go, Mum.
What kept you?
Celebrity booking?
Oh, cannae beat a fish supper.
Get off!
Busy today?
Aye.
Tips'?
Plenty.
Tell ye What...
hand 'em over to me
and I'll put them
on the next race.
Nah, you're all right.
Bathgate Leopard...
three to one.
No thanks.
Oh, come on!
No.
A fiver gets you 15 quid.
I've not got any money!
Nah.
Who'd ever tip you'?
Not me.
You not put any vinegar on it'?
You didn't put any on.
Crap.
They talk crap all day.
Boxing.
That's their sole currency.
You know, I was in that windae
for eight years.
That meant something.
I'm 50, Charlie.
What the f*** happened there?
I mean, it's every man's right
to reach
his full potential. Right?
But it passed me by.
Aye.
What am I gonna do'?
Nothing.
I've got a mother
like an auld buzzard,
I live in a shitey, wee flat.
And the last time with a bird,
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"The Legend of Barney Thomson" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 15 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_legend_of_barney_thomson_20671>.
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