The Late Bloomer

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I know you have

a lot of girls talking to you.

Why don't we go back

to my place?

I wanna explore

every inch of your body.

Will you just f*** me?

You're suffering from OSD,

which is obsessive

sexual desires.

So I'd like for you

to read my book.

This book will show you

how to rechannel

those negative sexual impulses.

Example:
Instead of copulation,

try communication.

I had a patient who

was addicted to group sex,

and he read this book,

and it changed him so much

that he just recently

climbed mt. Everest.

Wow, that's amazing.

He ended up having a three-way

with a couple of Sherpas,

so there's still work to be

done, because it is a process.

I want to help you

climb your Everest,

because I know that

there is a... amazing,

productive, confident

woman inside of you.

It's just waiting to break free.

Will you read the book?

Put your balls in my mouth.

Idea for a chapter in new book:

How important is sex

to being a man?

Note for chapter in new book:

What's more important in a man,

the mental or the physical?

Idea for chapter in next book:

Can you truly be an adult

without experiencing sex?

Another chapter:

Can a person be truly happy

without sex?

- Hey, doc.

- Hey, Josh.

So I took your advice

and invited Becky to a movie,

and she said yes.

- That's great.

- She brought a friend.

Ooh. Well, doesn't mean

she doesn't like you.

Girls just want

their friends' approval.

- It was a guy. They made out.

- Jesus.

Then he fingered her

under her jacket.

Oh... you okay?

I was really bummed,

but when I got home,

I just jerked off

into a sock, so...

It may seem trite right now,

but I promise you,

there's plenty of fish

in the sea.

And plenty of socks

in the drawer.

- There you go, buddy.

- Catch you later.

How do you exist moment to moment

when you're not a goldfish?

- Thanks.

- -That's not a compliment.

Guys? Can we at least text whenever

we're coming over, please?

- You gave us a key.

- I know, but remember?

We talked about this.

That's for emergencies.

Jenny thinks I'm at work

till 8:
00.

This is emergency fun time.

You know, it's the kids.

I love 'em,

but we have, like,

so little in common.

They're into cartoons

and crayons,

and I'm just not

into that sh*t right now.

And, Luke, what's your excuse?

Rachel's over picking up

the rest of her stuff.

Clothes, furniture, and everything

else we shared together.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah.

No, I'm great.

You think she's my type?

Yeah, she's everyone's type.

Swipe right on that.

Man, if I had knew dating

was like this today,

I wouldn't have been so afraid

to break up with Rachel.

- She broke up with you. -Right.

'Cause I was so afraid of her.

My point is thought that

this is like a whole new world.

Pete, you gotta

get on this, man.

I'll make you an account.

It's so easy.

What the hell

are you guys watching?

Valkyrie. I think

they're about to kill Hitler.

Spoiler alert!

I haven't seen this movie yet.

- What...

- I have a job and kids.

I don't watch every f***ing

movie that comes out.

- But Hitler dies. -Don't...!

I'm trying to forget it.

Michelle's actually having

some people over at her house

and she's testing some new dishes,

so I promised to go over.

- I'm sorry, but I have to leave.

- That's great.

Just make sure you

smile a lot. Or, hey,

we could just kill Charlie

and then you could ask her out.

Wait, wait, wait. Are there gonna

be beautiful honeys there?

Let's do cousins. Wait,

no one's gonna believe that.

We're second cousins, I live in

New York, I'm into textiles.

- Oh, girls love textiles.

- I'm not gonna help you cheat.

No, no, no. Don't wanna cheat, just

wanna flirt. Catch and release.

See if Batman can still

fight crime, you know?

See if Ali can still

sting like a bee.

Can't do it. I'm sorry. What about

you, Luke? Do you wanna go?

Man, I would love to, really,

but I'm kind of on a roll here.

Tonight will be six nights

in a row and I just kinda feel

like I have an obligation

for the tinder record.

- What's the tinder record?

- Seventy-one.

- Good luck with that.

- Yeah, definitely go for that.

Right? I just feel

like I haven't done much

with my life

and this could be my thing.

You gotta do it for my dick. You gotta

do it for the d*cks of all of us.

Hey, Nikki.

Do you hate me?

You came alone.

No. Oh, I was supposed

to bring a plus-one.

Yes, you were supposed to bring a charming,

single, wildly employed friend of yours.

Right. Well, one of

my friends is married,

the other one just got tinder,

so he's a little preoccupied.

How is he getting on?

Any luck?

Because my sister

met her boyfriend on there.

He's actually,

I would say professionally,

getting a little too lucky,

if you know what I mean.

It's good to see you, Nikki. I see

Michelle. I'm gonna go say hi.

Uh-huh.

You're carrying that ball

like a newborn baby, you dick!

- Hey, Charlie. -That was a four

step lay-up! That was blatant!

I'm watching on a f***ing

phone and I saw it!

Yeah, no sh*t, it was a travel.

What is he,

a goddamn running back?

Listen, get Connelly

to come up with a pic,

put it on the home page in 31

seconds, or I'm gonna tell your wife

that the stain in the backseat

of your car is hooker blood.

Okay? Yeah, not kidding.

Holy sh*t, I am pissed.

Worst officiating since

the Kennedy assassination.

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