The Last Straight Man

1

[music playing]

[cheering]

Where's the groom?

What's, your name, honey?

Cooper.

AnYbOdY 90'! a quarter?

Yes, somewhere.

I got some quarters

for ya right here.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait, I got more.

- Oh, I got more.

I got--

Yes.

Yes, please.

It's raining!

[cheering]

Explain to me Why

housekeeping isn't doing this?

Because they don't

come until morning.

And I'm not sleeping

in this mess.

It's like a junkyard

in June in here.

Damn, it's hotter than

a-- help me out here.

Satan's armpit.

Uh, aluminum sweater.

Pepper spray douche.

Take your pick.

Uh, yeah.

Any of those will work fine.

Thanks.

You're staying here tonight?

I thought you were

crashing at casa de Cooper.

Well let's see.

A tiny couch with your

family snoring nearby,

or a plush, king size bed?

Not a tough decision.

Besides, it's paid for.

And after planning this

unseeingly exhibition

of bare boobery, I

think I'm entitled.

I bet you are.

And thanks, by the way.

I had a good time.

So tomorrow?

Lewis, I'm really sorry

about the best man thing.

It's OK.

I mean, we've only been

buds since junior high,

and you've known this

guy, what, a week now?

OK.

OK.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

But Belinda asked if her

brother could be best man.

What was his name again?

Tweaky?

Twitchy?

Ted.

I noticed he

got really excited

about the pattern

in the bathroom,

until he realized it was talc.

Still, I think

half of it's gone.

I know, man, but--

And hey, the stripper's

studying to be a therapist.

We could have done

an intervention

while she was picking

the quarter of your nose

with her p*ssy.

Listen, you.

She's trying to integrate

him back into the family.

Using your wedding?

Yes.

Did you even tell her who

you wanted to be best man?

Well--

That's what I thought.

T-minus one day

and counting until

complete vaginal submission.

I promise I will

make it up to you.

How?

Name it.

You better get off me.

I don't know.

You're very comfortable.

If you don't get off

me, I'm going to fart.

And it is not going to be quiet.

And it is not

going to be pretty.

Go ahead.

Serenade me.

It's my last night

as a free man.

It's kind of late.

Can I stay here too?

Uh, don't you want

to be with Belinda?

Not for the wedding.

Bad luck.

Remember?

What, what about your tux?

Ted has it.

He can pick me up

in the morning.

Yeah, if he can get

here without snorting

all the carpet freshener

out of the hallway rugs.

Why didn't you let the

stripper give you a lap dance?

Uh, more beer?

I stopped drinking

beer two hours ago.

Tequila shots.

Oh, hell no.

You can't be drinking

beer like a p*ssy

when I'm slugging tequila.

And how exactly does

a p*ssy drink beer?

Glug, glug, glug, slug-

And you want tequila.

Pour a**hole.

And?

YOu?

Toast rne.

Demanding little sh*t.

Toast me or I'll tell

your mother the stripper

made you bowling ball her

in front of everybody.

Bowling ball?

OK.

OK.

To Cooper.

May your hair never

fall, your dick

always rise, and your kids never

call your brother-in-law daddy.

[laughing]

But seriously, Coop.

Be happy-

And to you, Lewis.

May you get everything

that you want.

Another.

Another.

Cooper, no.

My blood is 90% tequila already.

It's my bachelor party, Lewis.

OK, fine.

But let's just sip these, OK.

I need to slow down.

OK.

Seriously, I'm sorry about

the whole best man thing.

I call three questions.

What's that?

We ask each other

three questions.

No subject is off limits.

Lyin is not-

Lyin?

Lying is not allowed.

What?

What are you doing?

Well, obviously, I've wandered

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