The Ladies Man

1

[ Man Over Radio]

Along the Kennedy Expressway,

a truck overturned

in the slow lane.

Along the Stevenson Expressway,

the traffic moving along nicely.

Another Shadow traffic update

with TJ. Burks in ten minutes.

You are listening to WRIX,

Chicago's number one news

and financial net work.

Now, back to Money Matters.

I'm your host, Gil Stewart,.

and we're almost out of time

here on Money Matters,

but here's a quick wrap-up

of the day's biggest stories.

The Dow closing out today

at minus 55,

while the NASDAQ

was up seven points.

The S&P is down four.

Gold takes a big hit on the floor

as the International Monetary Fund...

unloads 10%

of its gold holdings,

causing ripples

throughout the banking industry,

continuing the trend of

unloading the bulk of its holdings...

in favor of

better-performing securities.

You've been listening

to Money Matters.

I'm Gil Stewart,

looking after your money.

- It's now 2:
00 a.m. and time for--

' i. [SOUI]

What's happening?

And welcome to The Lad/es Man,

the love line with all the right

responses to your romantic queries.

My name is Leon Phelps, and to those

of you that are uninitiated,

I am an expert

in the ways of love.

Um, I have made love

to many fine ladies,

from the lowliest

bus station skank...

to the classiest,

most sophisticated,

educated, debutante,

high society bus station skank.

But listen. I am doing good,

if you were askin'.

I got my Courvoisier cognac

right here,

and I'm ready

to take your calls.

While I am not a psychiatrist

or a psychologist or whatever,

I have done it

to a lot of ladies,

and that makes me

somewhat like an expert.

I have a Ph.D. in tang,

as it were.

So, if you have a romantic query

and you are under the age of 50...

and you're not freaky or disgustin',

please give us a call.

My lovely producer,

Julie Simmons,

she is over there and she is

awaiting with bated breath...

to hear what

you got to say.

Okay, you're gonna have

to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.

Susan from Oak Park.

you have a question for Leon?

Oh, he left his clothes

at your house.

[Leon] The phone is lighting up,

so let's take a call.

Hey, what's happening? This is

Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.

- [Woman] Hello, Ladies Man.

- Oh, it's a lady.

[Woman] I'm new to this city.

and I don't know too many people.

And I am painfully shy.

Yeah, you sound painfully shy.

Listen, this is what you should do.

Go to the bus station

or to a bowling alley...

and hang out

with no underpants.

- Trust me. It works.

- What?

You'd be surprised at how many men

will approach you. I know that I would.

Next caller, go ahead.

You got The Ladies Man.

[ Woman Over Telephone] Ladies Man.

I've been feeling really confused.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I'm in a relationship, but

I don't know if he is for real.

How do you know when

you're really, truly in love?

Don't worry.

When you're really, truly in love,

you will feel it

deep down in your pants.

Unless, of course,

you're not wearing any pants,

which is not uncommon

in my case.

What are you talking about?

I asked you about finding true love.

Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,

I hope whatever I said was helpful.

Next caller.

You got The Ladies Man.

Next caller.

You got The Ladies Man.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put

you on hold, okay? Lad/es Man.

Listen, I don't care what you say.

Chlamydia is a soup.

It's my opinion.

I can have that if I'd like.

You don't have to argue. I've seen it

on the grocery store shelves.

Yes, I know that clam chowder

is not a venereal disease.

Rate this script:(4.00 / 2 votes)