
The Ladies Man
1
[ Man Over Radio]
Along the Kennedy Expressway,
a truck overturned
in the slow lane.
Along the Stevenson Expressway,
the traffic moving along nicely.
with TJ. Burks in ten minutes.
You are listening to WRIX,
Chicago's number one news
and financial net work.
Now, back to Money Matters.
I'm your host, Gil Stewart,.
and we're almost out of time
here on Money Matters,
but here's a quick wrap-up
of the day's biggest stories.
The Dow closing out today
at minus 55,
while the NASDAQ
was up seven points.
The S&P is down four.
Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...
unloads 10%
of its gold holdings,
causing ripples
throughout the banking industry,
continuing the trend of
unloading the bulk of its holdings...
in favor of
better-performing securities.
You've been listening
to Money Matters.
I'm Gil Stewart,
looking after your money.
- It's now 2:
00 a.m. and time for--' i. [SOUI]
What's happening?
And welcome to The Lad/es Man,
the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.
My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,
I am an expert
in the ways of love.
Um, I have made love
to many fine ladies,
from the lowliest
bus station skank...
to the classiest,
most sophisticated,
educated, debutante,
high society bus station skank.
But listen. I am doing good,
if you were askin'.
I got my Courvoisier cognac
right here,
and I'm ready
to take your calls.
While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,
I have done it
to a lot of ladies,
and that makes me
somewhat like an expert.
I have a Ph.D. in tang,
as it were.
So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of 50...
and you're not freaky or disgustin',
please give us a call.
My lovely producer,
Julie Simmons,
she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...
to hear what
you got to say.
Okay, you're gonna have
to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.
Susan from Oak Park.
you have a question for Leon?
Oh, he left his clothes
at your house.
[Leon] The phone is lighting up,
so let's take a call.
Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.
- [Woman] Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.
[Woman] I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.
And I am painfully shy.
Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.
Go to the bus station
or to a bowling alley...
and hang out
with no underpants.
- Trust me. It works.
- What?
You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.
Next caller, go ahead.
You got The Ladies Man.
[ Woman Over Telephone] Ladies Man.
I've been feeling really confused.
Yeah, that sounds good.
No, it's not good.
I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.
How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?
Don't worry.
When you're really, truly in love,
you will feel it
deep down in your pants.
Unless, of course,
you're not wearing any pants,
which is not uncommon
in my case.
What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.
Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.
Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Lad/es Man.
Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.
It's my opinion.
I can have that if I'd like.
You don't have to argue. I've seen it
Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.
(4.00 / 2 votes)
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"The Ladies Man" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 7 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_ladies_man_20597>.