The Jeff Dunham Show  Season #1 Episode #2

Genre: Comedy

Please give up a visible American standing ovation for our host: Mr. Jeff Dunham.

Thank you so much. Thank You. Thank You. Stop.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Stop. You're... that's very nice of you. Thank you. You know, people ask me how long i've been doing this for a living. Well, take a look at this picture.


Yes, at first, you can see how excited my parents are

About me being a ventriloquist. Look at that huge Christmas tree that was the weirdest Hanukkah ever. And look at my mom's hair. That's where we kept my pet eagle. And my dad kept his car keys there, too. It was scary. My dad looks really excited. Look at that. He's... he's just very proud of his son playing with dolls. It's great. I thought my parents were upset about my career choice, but later, I learned, uh... well, Look where the dummy has his hand. Sorry, Mom. But, to start things off tonight, here's another guy Who makes my mom uncomfortable all the time. Please welcome Achmed the dead terrorist. So, Achmed, do you have anything to say?

Uh... silence. Oh, forget it.

What's wrong tonight, Achmed?

Everyone looks at Achmed and sees an angry, happy-go-lucky dead terrorist. But, really, I'm more of a "crying on the inside" kind of a guy. Thanks.

Wh-why? What's wrong?

Nobody, not even you, remembered my death day.

Your... your... your what?

My death day. I turned seven years dead yesterday. And I didn't get anything.


No. Not even a letter bomb. And nothing on my Facebook wall.

I didn't know you were on Facebook.

What, I can't be on Facebook just because I don't have a freaking face? I kill you! I have no friends.

I'm your friend.

I have no cool friends.

So, what did you do on your death day?

What else?


I threw myself a funeral.

"Welcome, Achmed. I'm Jon Lorenzen. I'm president of the Lorenzen Mortuary. How can I help you today?"

Well, Jon, I want the biggest, sexiest, Most awe-inspiring tearjerker of a funeral ever. I want to make Michael Jackson's funeral, look like a white trash bar mitzvah. You know what I'm saying?


And I want Elton John to sing... "Anthrax in the Wind." Could you get that?

"I don't think so."

So, Jon, let's take a look around, Maybe try out some caskets.


Well... to be honest, Totally uncomfortable. There's no lumbar support.


Do you have anything with memory foam?

"Nothing with memory foam."

I'm looking for something a little classier,

cause, you know, i'm going to be here for a while.

So, I was thinking that... How about that one?

"That's the Lasting Slumber 3000."

How much is that?

"It's $8,000."

8,000 bucks? It better have stinking Wi-Fi for that. Uh, what do you have for $50? What? A dog casket?

This is humiliating, Jon. I don't lick myself. I... I'm not saying i haven't tried, but come on!

"Achmed, this is my chief of staff, Michaela Basillo.

She'll help you with the rest of the arrangements."

Michaela, nice to meet you.

"Nice to meet you."

Can we talk about the markers now? Like, the headstones and stuff?

"Sure. You can pick either bronze or granite. You can put your name on it, Pick what style of font you'd like, If you would like designs on it. You can pick if you want to put your picture on it. Things of that nature.

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Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is an American ventriloquist and comedian who has also appeared on numerous television shows, including Late Show with David Letterman, Comedy Central Presents, The Tonight Show and Sonny With a Chance. He has six specials that run on Comedy Central: Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters, and Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map. Dunham also starred in The Jeff Dunham Show, a series on the network in 2009.His style has been described as "a dressed-down, more digestible version of Don Rickles with multiple personality disorder". Describing his characters, Time magazine said, "All of them are politically incorrect, gratuitously insulting and ill tempered." Dunham has been credited with reviving ventriloquism, and doing more to promote the art form than anyone since Edgar Bergen.Dunham has been called "America's favorite comedian" by, and according to the concert industry publication Pollstar, he is the top-grossing standup act in North America, and is among the most successful acts in Europe as well. As of November 2009, he has sold over four million DVDs, an additional $7 million in merchandise sales, and received more than 350 million hits on YouTube as of October 2009 (his introduction of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in Spark of Insanity was ranked as the ninth most watched YouTube video at the time). A Very Special Christmas Special was the most-watched telecast in Comedy Central history, with its DVD selling over 400,000 in its first two weeks. ranked Dunham as the third highest-paid comedian in the United States behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, and reported that he was one of the highest-earning comics from June 2008 to June 2009, earning approximately $30 million during that period. Dunham also does occasional acting roles. He achieved the Guinness Book of World Records record for "Most tickets sold for a stand-up comedy tour" for his Spark of Insanity tour, performing in 386 venues worldwide. more…

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