The Impostors Page #3

the shop, he gives you tickets?

Yes.

Why didn't he

just stab you in the heart?

You tell me, Arthy.

Burtom is the worst

actor on the face of the earth.

Yup.

That man is unwatchable.

Yup.

You couldn't pay me

to go see that guy's Hamlet.

I wanted to see how bad

he really was.

I hear he makes a real fool

out of himself.

You always learn

from other people's mistakes.

Oh, yes.

- Right?

- Please.

- Look at this crowd.

- Unbelievable.

- I'll never understand it.

- It's criminal.

Hey.

Mike's in this.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Good for him. Good for Mike.

- Great for Mike.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Shh!

Someone's

put on a little weight.

I hope

they reinforced the stage.

My God.

And now

my cousin Hamlet and my son.

Hamlet, why seems

it so particular with thee?

Seems, madam?

Nay, it is. I know not... seems...

'Tis not alone my inky cloak,

good mother...

nor the customary suits

of solemn black...

nor the dejected 'havior

of the visage...

together with all forms...

moods, shapes of grief...

that can denote me truly.

These indeed seem...

for they are actions

that a man might play.

But I...

have that within...

which passes show.

These...

but the trappings

and the suits...

of woe.

Who is it?

Intermission's almost over, sir.

Places for act two.

Places for act two.

Ow!

Come for the third,

Laertes. You do but dally.

- Who choreographed this?

- I don't know. It's so sloppy.

It's a mess.

Crazy boy!

Aah! You crazy boy!

Aah!

What was that part?

I don't know.

Come on.

Aah!

What the hell's he doing?

Drunken son of a b*tch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

it appears an actor,

having missed a parry...

upset by his mistake,

has vacated the stage.

Therefore,

with your kind permission...

we will lower the curtain...

and regroup, as it were...

and then complete this...

the greatest of all

of Mr. Shakespeare's plays.

I thank you.

The man is vicious.

Wednesday, he stuck me...

right there.

Where?

Right in the rib.

Gertrude?

Almost killed her with a goblet.

He's done it before?

Oh, God. That's sick.

That's just sick.

Sick.

You let me at him.

You know what really

burns me up?

What really gets my goat...

is that Mike had

such a great death coming up...

and he was cheated.

He was cheated, right?

That's the...

Yeah, but, you know...

You want to know?

You want to know what I'd do

in that situation?

- What?

- I'd stop, center stage.

I'd turn. I'd wait for quiet.

He's saying

what he would do if he was you.

- Tonight.

- I know.

What you have just seen...

ladies and gentlemen...

is unprofessional behavior

of an overrated...

undertalented, drunken hack...

named Jeremy Burtom.

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