The History Boys Page #4

only, when she turned up, she had a face

like the wrong end of a camel's turd.

Quite so.

- What's the matter with you, lad?

- Oh, I've got a note, sir.

How much for? (laughs)

I don't do notes. Get changed.

- Sir...

- God doesn't do notes either.

Did Jesus say, "Can I be

excused the Crucifixion?" No.

Actually, sir, I think he did.

Change! One day

it will save your life.

Nothing saves anyone's life, sir.

It just postpones their death.

Jesus Christ

will save your life, lad,

if you only let him into your heart!

I'm Jewish, sir.

I'm Muslim, sir.

- Very good.

- (applause)

Most excellent.

(all) Ooooh!

Go on!

Lad, lad, lad!

You're letting yourself down,

you're letting God down.

- What's God got to do with it?

- Listen, boy, this isn't your body.

- No?

- No!

This body is on loan to you from God.

- F*** me.

- I heard that! Give me 20.

Do it.

- You're late. Get your kit off.

- I'm on the staff.

- (laughing)

- Well, I've never seen you.

What's this?

- Do you need a hand with that, sir?

- Is it joined-up writing?

Mrs. Lintott's given me a view

of some of your latest essays.

The experience was interesting.

The essays not. Dull.

Dull. Abysmally dull.

A triumph. The dullest of the lot.

- I got all the points.

- I didn't say it was wrong. I said "dull".

- Its sheer competence was staggering.

- You've got crap handwriting.

It's your eyesight that's bad

and we know what causes that.

Sir! Is that a coded reference

to the mythical dangers of self-abuse?

- It might even be a joke!

- (Dakin) A joke, sir?

Oh. Are jokes gonna be a feature?

We need to know as it affects our mindset.

You don't object to our using

the expression "mindset", do you, sir?

Mr. Hector doesn't care for it.

At the... er... at the time of the Reformation,

there were 14 foreskins of Christ preserved,

but it was thought the Church of St. John

Lateran in Rome had the authentic prepuce.

Don't think we're shocked

by your mention of the word "foreskin", sir.

No, sir. Some of us even have them.

Not Posner, though, cos he's, well... Jewish.

It's one of several things he doesn't have.

- F*** off.

- That's not racist, though, sir.

- Isn't it?

- It's race-related. But not racist.

Has anybody been to Rome or Venice?

Florence? No.

The other candidates will have been and

have done courses on what they've seen.

So they'll know, when they do an essay

on the Church at the time of the Reformation,

that, oh, look, some silly nonsense

on the foreskins of Christ will come in handy,

so that their essays,

unlike yours, will not be dull.

They're not even bad, they're just boring.

You haven't got a hope.

- So, why are we bothering?

- I don't know. You tell me.

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