The Heart of the Deal


- [Man]:
I love this town.

It's a joke.

I love jokes.

For that matter...

my life's a joke.

Did you hear the one about

the rabbi, the producer,

and the studio executive

who walk into a bar?

[ Car engine running ]

? Opera ?

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

- Uncle Charlie!

Hi, it's me, Lionel!

I just got here now!

I took the bus!

- This is a bad time, Lionel.

- What?

- I'm not well.

- What?

Oh, Jesus.

A rabbi, an undertaker,

and my freaking nephew

walk into a bar!

- Hey! I tried to...

Did you know your

phone's out of order?

- Yeah, it's th

- Mom says hi. She's

worried about you.

She wants you to

call her. Could I--

- I'm not alone.

You know what I mean?

- Oh!

Sorry. Got it.

- Yeah, she's...

Come back later.

- I did it. I did whasaid,

Uncle Charlie.

- Great!

[ Chuckling ]

Yeah, it's about

Benjamin Disraeli

and the Tariff Laws of 1876.

- This is great.

- William Gladstone--

- Come back tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

Oh, OK.

Um, I can find a place.

A motel or...

- Good.

- What time?

- 5:

- OK, I hope you like it.

They got pretty vicious, so...


? Opera ?

[ Engine cuts out ]

[ Music stops ]

- F***! F***! Motherfuck!

[ Engine sputtering ]

[ Engine starts ]

? Opera ?

Wait a second.

A rabbi, a producer,

and a recently-converted

Jewish black action star

walk into a bar.

[ Laughing ]

Now, that's funny.

[ Man and woman talking ]


- Charlie, we have a--

- I just need 2 minutes.

- I'm going into a meeting.

- Two seconds?

- I'll see you in there.

- I was just talking about you.

I had lunch with...

- That's OK. You don't

have to think of a name.

I'm leaving the agency.

- Oh...

Charlie, that's bad news.

I hate hearing that.

- You'll get over it.

- Probably for the best.

We really haven't

scored for you.

I can't help feeling

it's my fault.

- I feel that way too.

Sign this for me, would you?

- What is it?

- It terminates our

contract as of today.

- Any projects we need to--

- There are no projects.

You've never got me a job.

- Yeah.

How you been?

- I'm good.

Well, suicidal.

My nephew interrupted that.

and he gave me this

Benjamin Disraeli script.

- Benjamin Disraeli?

- British Prime Minister.

- What happened to Tony Blair?

- You didn't hear?

- No! What?

- No, I'm just kidding you.

This was before Tony Blair.

I'm going to attach

Bobby Mason to it.

- Ah! Ha ha! OK!

You go get 'em!

Let me show you out.

- Brad?

- Yeah?

- You got something

green in your teeth.

- Hello there!

- Charlie Berns.

- Rabbi Gutterman.

Are you here for the

B'nai B'rith meeting?

- Actually, I'm here to

discuss business, Rabbi.

- Ah. Sit. Sit down.

- I'm making a movie

about Judaism.

- Judaism?

- Based on the life

of Benjamin Disraeli.

- Did you know that

Jews were not allowed

to sit in the House

of Commons before 1858?

- No, I didn't know that.

That's why we want to bring

someone like you on board.

As sort of a technical advisor.

- Technical advisor?

- Associate producer

would be the actual term.

- Well, I'm a busy man.

The congregation, I'm on

the Mayor's Youth Council...

I'm the Chairman of the

West Coast Symposium

on Humanistic Revisionism.

We talking above the line here?

- Absolutely.

- Who's directing?

- Hasn't been set.

- Who do you have

in mind for Disraeli?

- Well, in my wildest, let's be

bold, anyone you want wish list,

and this is where

you could help...

I'm thinking of

going against type.

- Robin Williams.

- Farther against type.

-You've reached Steven

Holly at Daily Variety.

Leave a message.

- Steven, it's

Charlie Berns calling.

I got word that you guys are

planning to run with a story

that Matt Damon is attached

to this Benjamin Disraeli

Bobby Mason picture

that I'm producing.

I don't know how this

story got started.

- "First-time scribe

"Lionel Travitz options

in the low 6 figures."

- Don't believe

everything you read.

- "Exec producer

Rabbi Seth Gutterman...

"Mason's manager re-confirms

Bobby's interest

"in projects with Jewish themes.

"Questions of circumcision

and bar mitzvah

"were met with no comment."

I don't know, they seem

really hot on this.

- Is this today's?

- Yeah.

- "Mason chasin' Ben Dis"?

-What if the feeding frenzy

you were talking about

doesn't happen?

He does kung-fu.

- Lionel, you're

doing it again.

- He's an action star.

He's black.

Ben Disraeli was a

middle aged, white,

like, historical...

- F*** me!

[ Engine starting ]

- Lionel, this is

your first script.

It's a $100 million

Bobby Mason picture.

You should have such problems.

- Hey, what about

You should have sJeremy Irons?

- What do you know about a

Bobby Mason Disraeli script?

- Nothing. I have a

call into his manager.

- Who's Charlie Berns?

- Did a couple of

things in the mid-80s.

Broken Ringput

him on the map.

Best Picture nomination.

Golden Globe.

- Since then?

- Bunch of crap.

Last picture, 2000.

- Buy that script.

- Has anybody read it?

- It doesn't matter.

- Benjamin Disraeli?

And Bobby would play who?

- Deidre, just buy the script.

- Howard...

Could you close

the door, please?

Is it true the Canadians

are buying the studio?

- Whatever happens, you'll be

fine. I got your back.

- What are those?

- From the wedding.

- Whose wedding?

- Cindy's.

It was really nice.

Too bad you couldn't make it.

It was at Phyllis'

house on Block Island.

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Keely Bruce

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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