The Great Outdoors Page #4

- Benny, honey.

- Thank you!

I'm 25 pounds overweight, I don't

need a blast to the ticker like that!

- Really inappropriate, Chet.

- What? It was a story. Come on.

Oh, come on.

It was a kind of true story.

Part of it happened.

I just embellished a bit. Come on!

What? What is that look?

So now I get the look?

I was just trying to have fun.

Oh, God!

So I made the fangs a little bigger. Jeez!

You have nothing

to be afraid of, OK? I mean it.

It's a story my dad told me

and I'm sure his dad told him,

and I'm telling you. It's made up.

One day you're going to tell it

to your kids, I guarantee it.

Good evening. How's it going?

Listen, girls...

As your father,

I feel it incumbent upon me

to set the record straight

on the validity of the tale

Uncle Chet shared with us.

A story like that

coming from an authority figure

could be traumatizing for kids.

I had a similar experience with

my Uncle Roy and a story he told

about a family who were attacked

by a band of psychiatric patients

who had been subjected

to violent, hellish

behavior modification experiments.

They escaped from the metal boxes

the army kept them in,

found this family in the woods,

fell upon them,

slaughtered them and ate them.

That story gave me nightmares

not to be believed,

so I don't want Uncle Chet's

bear story to upset you.

So I'm here to say

that there is no bear

and that all Uncle Chet was saying

was just a yarn for our entertainment

and even if there were a bear,

I'm in the house to protect you.

So, no more thinking about bears,

all right?

No more unpleasant things.

We're going to close our eyes

and dream about nice things.

About cuddly, soft, fluffy things.

OK?

Super.

Good night. Sleep tight.

'Hey, kids...

New people in the loon's nest.'

'They have Illinois plates, Mom.'

'lf they're from Chicago,

we'll be eating good.

'Lobster tails!

'A shitload of raw hot dogs.'

'You know what they're made of...

'lips and a**holes!'

Honey?

Chet? Where are you?

Oh, God! That's rotted. Oh!

Jerry Asner, please. Roman Craig.

Yeah, I can't hold for long.

My signal's kind of weak.

- Honey?

- Yes, Roman?

Why do Chet's kids look at him

like he's Zeus?

My kids look at me like

I'm a rack of yard tools at Sears.

I mean, why can't they connect

with me?

Maybe if you spent less time at work,

things would be different.

Put a cork in it, honey.

Talkin' business. Jerry?

Roman. How are you?

I'll save us trouble

and cut right to the chase.

I've got an investment opportunity.

You got about three minutes

and 25 grand? Jerry?

Did you hear what I said?

Lost the signal.

These phones don't work.

- Maybe he hung up.

- Why would a minister hang up?

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