The Edge of Seventeen

Shh!

Look, I don't wanna take up

a ton of your time...

But I'm gonna kill myself.

I just thought that someone should know.

I don't know how this works.

I'm probably gonna jump off an

overpass in front of a semi, so...

Or a u-haul. Not a bus. I'm not gonna

be a dick and make people watch.

But it has to be big. It's

gotta be so big that it just...

Done. Kills me. Lights out.

'Cause if it just maims me and I'm

like... well, how's that good for anyone?

Then I gotta find a

nurse to smother me.

How am I gonna get across

"smothering" if I'm...

We don't need to get

caught up in the minutia.

I just thought that an adult...

you should know.

Wow. This is, uh,

a lot to take in, Nadine.

I... I wish I knew

what to say.

Well, I was actually just drafting

my own suicide note just now.

"Dear everybody.

As some of you know,

I have 32 fleeting minutes of happiness

per school day during lunch,

which has been eaten up

again and again

by the same...

Especially

badly dressed student,

and I finally thought,

you know what?

I would rather have

the dark, empty nothingness.

I really would.

It sounds... relaxing.

Have a nice life

without me, f***ers."

You are so gonna get fired

when I actually do it.

Well, not for sure,

but I can dream.

Let me start from the beginning.

Around second grade

I had a realization.

There are two types

of people in this world.

The people who radiate confidence

and naturally excel at life...

Yes! Yes!

And the people who hope all those

people die in a big explosion.

All right,

knock 'em dead, kiddo.

My brother Darian was a winner from

day one and had about a million fans.

Bye.

His biggest one... my mother.

- Bye, sweetheart.

Oh, check it out.

Okay, boss lady,

see you tonight.

Nadine, we're not

doing this again.

You promised.

Now get out of the car.

Well, that's it.

You could say my mother and I

weren't exactly peas in a pod.

Oh. No.

And the only one who could

handle either of us... was dad.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Dad had

a nearly impossible task...

Having to manage us both.

All right now,

I know kids can be mean.

But if you get a chance,

fart into their backpacks.

I wish you were small.

Then I'd at least have

one person to have lunch with.

Instead, the most attention I got

at school was from these three.

Nobody likes you. You suck

and you're gonna get aids.

Over here! Run!

My childhood had become

a raging dumpster fire,

and I couldn't take one more second of this

intolerable, unlivable nightmare of a...

Excuse me.

And then, out of the clear blue,

an angel appeared.

Can you move, please?

She was dressed like

a small, elderly gentleman.

And her breath smelled

of sweetarts.

You want to hold him?

But don't squash him.

Hi, guy.

If you want, you can be

his other mom with me.

Really?

I gonna be your other mom

and take such good care of you.

I accidentally suffocated him two

hours later in my pencil box.

But I had finally made

my first friend.

We told each other things we

never thought we'd say out loud.

Once, my grandpa's pajama flap

accidentally came open

and I saw his wiener

and got real sad.

My mom has to take medicine or she'll

get upset and buy too much at the mall.

It's true.

It turned out Krista's life

wasn't perfect either.

I'm walking away, okay? What am I, your

mother? Am I supposed to babysit...

But we got each other through.

Play with this.

We could play with

Mrs. penguin. Hee hee.

For the next few years,

and then, some extremely

f***ed-up sh*t happened.

Oh, my god.

I knew it.

It's really just the hair.

It's not that bad.

You can just grow it out.

Are you even up there?

Hey, move.

I got to pee.

Darian, meanwhile,

just got better-looking,

and that a**hole knew it.

That night I picked up

some cheeseburgers with my dad.

What do I have that's any good? Tell me.

What have I ever had?

You have a lot. You have love.

You have my love.

Very soon you're gonna

have cheeseburgers.

Oh, look.

Did I not tell you?

Cheeseburgers.

Mmm!

- Do you want a fry?

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey.

That was Billy Joel.

You don't turn past Billy Joel.

Dad?

I...

- dad, are you okay?

Dad!

Dad!

I'm not gonna depress you

with the details.

So... let's just say the next

few years were complete sh*t.

Oh, god.

Well, except for one part.

I had Krista.

This was last Friday.

Look at me.

I was in a good mood.

- I love spoilers.

- No.

Yes, I do. That means

I don't have to watch it.

Then I can just know

and move on with my life.

I'll give you a hint.

I knew it. I knew it.

They get married, yes.

Ohh.

God, Juvie made him so hot.

Oh, god. I forgot to

tell you something.

He works at Petland now.

I should go in there

and be like,

"excuse me, where are the beta fish? Also,

could you put your penis inside me?"

Oh!

Not you.

God. What if you actually did that? What

if you lost your virginity in a Petland?

I think it'd be kind of nice.

All the little tropical fish watching.

It'd be kind of spiritual.

Oh, my god. Would you please look at

that stupid shirt my brother's wearing?

Oh, you can see his nipples.

How does he not realize

that all that does is scream,

"I have a body complex

worse than a girl."

How much does he

even work out now?

It's OCD.

You should have seen him. He had a conniption

'cause my mom won't by him creatine anymore

since it fucks up your kidneys.

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