The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox

Synopsis: It's 1882 on the Barbary Coast. Charlie Malloy aka the Dirtwater Fox, makes his living cheating at cards. His latest venture however is stealing $40,000 from a bunch of outlaws. Bluebird, a saloon performer and prostitute, wants an easy life. When a Mormon, Josiah Widdicombe, comes to town, Bluebird has the idea that being the seventh wife of a Mormon would be a good life - she only has to work once every seven days. She steals Malloy's bag with the money, unaware of the amount inside. She only wants enough to buy a dress to masquerade as a duchess for Widdicombe. The ruse works. On Bluebird's way to Salt Lake City, Malloy catches up with her. Although Bluebird still has every intention of becoming a Mormon wife, the two decide to partner on the scheme of Mormon riches. All the while, the outlaws are on their tail after their $40,000.
Genre: Comedy, Western
Director(s): Melvin Frank
Production: 20th Century Fox Film Corporation
Rotten Tomatoes:
103 min







- Schweinehund!






And in case that isn't

perfectly clear...

it means you're the biggest sh*t-head

in the city of San Francisco.

- Ta-ta!

- Out! Out!

Fifty dollars.

All right, gentlemen,

how many cards?

Gimme two.

- Malloy?

- One.



- Your bet, Malloy.

- Fifty dollars.

Okay, Malloy, I'm in.

You cheap, two-bit bum!

You wanna feel it, you buy it!

You think I'm doin' volunteer work?

Keep your hands to yourself!.

[MAN] Come on, Trixie! Here, have

another drink! Be a nice little girl!


What do you got, Malloy?

Full house.

Aces over kings.

Beats three queens.


Thank you, gentlemen.

As the saying goes...

the race is not always to the swift,

nor the battle to the strong...

but that's the way to bet.

See ya next payday.

Somebody drop that?

You did, you son of a b*tch.


- [MAN] Hang that cheating cardsharp!

- Get that noose!

- String him up!

- "String him up"?

What are you talking about? What kind

of talk is that from nice people?

- String him up!


- Hang him!

- String him up!

Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!

Now, let's not get carried away

with bloodlust.

Where is our cup of human kindness?

Where has it runneth to?

It runneth right up your ass,

that's where!

Somebody get the rope!


- Hang him!

- [TRIXIE] Charlie!


God be with you,

Charlie Malloy!

And don't ever forget, you're

the only one who ever got it for free!

- I'll keep it in mind.



- [MAN] It's the Bloodworths!

- Watch out! It's the Bloodworths!

- Charlie!

It's the Bloodworth gang!

Hit the dirt!


Get those kids outta here!


Oh-ho! Easy! [GRUNTS]


Let's get him out of here.


- Easy. [GRUNTS]



Come on, boy!

Come on, boy! Come on,

Blackjack! Blackjack!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gentlemen, will you help

Mr. Malloy to his horse.

Ooh! Easy.

Hey, easy. Easy!


Sure would like to thank you,

Mr. Bloodworth.

- Forever in your debt.

- You bet your ass you're in our debt.

You're gonna help us with a lady

to help us pull a job.

- What lady? What job?

- Dirtwater.

Oh, can't.Just got kicked out of there

for screwing the banker's wife.

That's the lady. You're gonna be real nice

to her and get the key to the bank.

- What about the banker?

- He's out of town.

- Ain't gonna be any more killin', is there?

- Oh, hell, no.

It's just gonna be fast and friendly.

- You think you can be fast and friendly?


Never been too fast,

but I always been friendly.

You better be, boy.

- Come on!

- Hyah! Hyah!

Hey-hyah! Hey-yah!


All right, Romeo. She's up there.

She's fat, she's ugly

and she's bowlegged.

[SHOUTS] You don't have to whisper,

because she's deaf too!

It's all set up for you. The keys

to the bank are under the mattress.

She's on top of the mattress. When you

get up there, you grab her by the--

Mr. Bloodworth, I don't

tell you how to rob banks.

Don't tell me how to get keys.

Just remember, sonny boy--

fast and friendly.

Got it, Mr. Bloodworth.

Easy. Easy.


- Street's clear.

- All right, let's go, boys.


Come on, Malloy.

Holdup! Holdup!


You said there wouldn't

be any killing.

You're still breathin',

ain't ya, sweet lips?

You wanna keep it that way?

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Melvin Frank

Melvin Frank was an American screenwriter, film producer and film director. He is known for his work on films such as Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, The Court Jester, and A Touch of Class. more…

All Melvin Frank scripts | Melvin Frank Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:



    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)


    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


    "The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox" STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 16 Aug. 2022. <>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox

    The Marketplace:

    Sell your Script !

    Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!


    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.