The Decoy Bride Page #4

- I don't trust this monk.

- People say they monkey around.

- I think he's a journalist.

- Why?

Are you taking your pills properly?

Chapter One Jackson Kandinsky awoke

from hot dreams of lost things

and adjusted his testicular implant.

I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.

Yeah?

Are you sure it's so terribly

unlucky to make love

the night before the wedding?

I hate it when you beg for sex.

You are staggeringly beautiful.

Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave

with caverns of longingness.

Oh, God. Did I write that? 'Longingness.'

It's not even a word.

No. That was just me saying

what I was thinking.

Oh, right. Sorry.

It finally got dark, then?

You're not a monk. And you're

not having my story.

Is that the Caledonian Press Agency?

Visualise your cellulite melting!

Come on! You're doing really well!

Oh, my God.

This is good. Feel the burn.

Lara?

When you say 'kind of

like missing... '?

She's... She's totally gone.

OK, she saw him. Did he see her?

I don't know. He's disguised

as a wizard.

Some kind of brown wizard. And he's

in a tree right by the chapel.

How does he do this?

He's amazing.

OK, he's in a tree. He wants

a photo of the happy couple.

Let's give it to him. We go through with

the wedding exactly as planned.

But with a stand-in. Ballani, convinced

he's at the real wedding,

takes his photo and leaves.

Then we go find Lara,

bring her back to the chapel

and do it all over again,

this time for real.

You are amazing also.

- I'll go and tell James? - Don't tell

that Googling leech anything.

If James finds out Lara is missing,

he's gonna go looking for her...

Oh, you're in here. Anais-Anais, I'm

gonna do my own hair this time.

- Because I know what I want.

- Fine.

Everything all right?

- Yay.

- Yay.

- Good luck.

- All right.

But if James doesn't know that Lara

is missing, how is that gonna work?

He has to think it's for real.

We need a decoy bride.

None of you are right.

Too tall, too black.

- I could do it.

- Don't be stupid.

Ballani knows you. He needs

to see you with James.

I just need somebody who can walk

Who was that awful girl?

- But I don't look anything like

Lara Tyler. - That's true,

but neither does she until these

ladies get their hands on her.

- Hi.

- We think you're full of potential.

- No. Sorry.

- 200.

I'm really not interested.

I'm off weddings.

500. It's not a real wedding.

Are they ever? I nearly bought

a wedding dress once.

- Cost the same as a Fiat Uno.

- 5,000.

Has somebody on the island

told you I'm a prostitute?

I'm really not interested, and

my mum'll be back in a while

and I said I'd cook her lunch, so...

One hour's improvisation. No

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