The Comebacks Page #4

grab an aspirin.

Got a little headache, I guess.

Oh!

Oh! Ee!

Well, I'm sorry you had to drive

All the way out here, Fields.

I could've told you

Over the phone I wasn't gonna

let my boy play football.

Have you always

drank this much,

Mr. Truman?

No. Went for 11 straight years

without a drink.

What happened?

Turned 12.

I really wish you'd

reconsider, Mr. Truman.

Your son had a great

season last year.

Hell, he might have been great,

If he could learn how to keep

from dropping the dang ball.

- That's not true, Dad.

- Oh, no?

Then what the hell is this?

That's the Droppie Award

for most fumbles in a season.

And what

the hell is this?

That's a picture of me

at Camp Fumblewatha.

And what are you eating

in that picture?

A Butterfingers.

This conversation is over, Coach.

My boy's not playing for anyone,

'Cause I can't stand

the guys at the mill

Asking me why my boy can't

hold on to the goddamn ball!

Dad!

I just want

to make you proud, Dad,

So you can hold

your head up high.

Please, Dad?

All right.

But if you give

those men at the mill

Any reason to laugh at me,

I swear to God...

You work at a mill?

The Sugar Mill-

It's out on Route 39.

I do Cher four nights a week,

Christina Aguilera on Saturday.

Isn't she the best kicker

you've ever seen?

Kicker? Oh, hey, look-

They're playing sports.

How you doing?

Name's Coach Fields.

- I want you to be my kicker.

- Wow!

I would like that very much.

- So you'll join the squad?

- Under one condition:

My parents can never know.

They're very traditional,

believe a woman's life

Should be spent in service

to her husband, cooking,

Cleaning, and pleasuring

with the mouth.

- Hello. Welcome to the team.

- Hi. Hi.

Oh, my God.

Hey, what's this thing?

Oh, that's for your nose.

You put it on your face.

It's a nose guard.

Well, I thought

it was a really small

One of these.

Hey.

I'm Lance. Lance Truman.

I'm your new quarterback.

Word of advice, quarterback.

You just give me the damn ball,

and you stay out of my way.

This my team.

This my turf.

And this...

This my...

My Little Pony collection.

Rainbow Dash, first edition.

Still in the box, b*tch.

Huddle up! Listen up!

Sit down.

Been doing

a little bit of research.

Turns out...

Every single one of you made

the dean's list last semester.

Yeah!

And I got to say, gang...

I will not stand

for this bullshit!

Now, if we're gonna be winners,

I'm gonna need

a commitment from you.

So we're all gonna sign

a little contract.

Why don't you

pass those out.

I want to start seeing D's...

And F's.

I want you to cut class.

I want academic probation.

When I walk in that locker room,

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