The Butter Battle Book

Synopsis: A tale of two hostile neighboring countries, one country is occupied by the Yooks, while the other is occupied by the Zooks. Both countries don't agree with each others ideology. Due to this issue they ended up building a wall in between the border of the two opposing cultures. The main reason they hate each other is because both cultures have a different way of buttering their bread. The Yooks eat their bread butter side up while the Zooks eat their bread butter side down. The story is told by the perspective of a Yook border patrol guard who tries to outwit a Zook name Van Itch with the latest Yooks weapon. However every time the border guard presents his weapon, Van Itch would have a weapon that is able to counter attack the Yook's weapon. This leads to an arms race with results leading to a mutual assured destruction.
30 min

On the last day of

summer, ten hours before fall,

my grandfather

took me out to the Wall.

For a while

we stood silent

and finally he said

with a very sad

shake of his very old head:

As you know, on this side

of the Wall we are Yooks.

On the far other side

of this Wall live the Zooks.

And the things that you

heard about Zooks are all true!

That terribly horrible

thing that they do!

And in every Zook house

and in every Zook town

every Zook eats his bread

with the butter side down!


butter, butter bright

every morning,

noon and night.

Spread your

bread, spread it right,

pat, pat, smear, smear,

pat, pat, smear, smear,

pat, pat,

butter side down.

But we Yooks, when we

eat, when we breakfast or sup,

we spread our bread right,

with the butter side up!

'Cause of course you

remember our bread spreading rule,

that you learned as a lad

back in bread spreading school.

On my honour as a Yook

youth, I do solemnly swear

to spread up on top here

and never down there.

On my honour as a Yook

youth, I do solemnly swear

to spread up on top here

and never down there!

Thats the true, honest way!

And all honest folks know that you cant

trust a Zook who spreads bread down below!

Every Zook must be

watched! He has kinks in his soul!

Thats why, as a young

man, I made watching my goal,

watching Zooks for the

"Zook-watching border patrol"!

With a song in my heart

and a spring in my knee,

with glint in my eye

and a hup, two, three!

I strided with

pride along that wall

and I watched

those Zookers, one and all.

And if they got fresh,

I just gave them a twitch

with my tough tufted

prickely snick-berry switch.

For a while that worked fine.

All the Zooks stayed away

and our country was safe.

Then, one terrible day,

a very rude Zook

by the name of VanItch

snuck up and slingshotted

my snick-berry switch!

Hooray for our side,

butter side down!

Why, those dirty upside down

butterers! They can't do that to us!

Well, I never saw anything

so aggressively affrontable!

It's worse than e'er.

It's acrimonious!

Those Zooks!

They're impossible.

And they get impossibler and

impossibler and impossibler. Every day!

Ask me! They get too

big for their britches!

With broken-off switch,

with my head hung in shame,

to the chief Yookeroo

in great sorrow I came.

But our leader

just smiled. He said:

Dear boy,

youre not to blame.

You simply have

suffered a minor defeat,

'cause your snick-berry

switch is a bit obsolete,

their slinghot's more modern.

What we need

to get is a weapon

that's even

more moderner yet.

So, I've ordered the boys

in the backroom to figure

how to build you some

such super booper sling jigger.

With my triple sling

jigger I sure felt much bigger.



I marched to the Wall

with my triple sling jigger.

I marched to the Wall

with great vim and great vigor,

right up to VanItch

with my hand on the trigger!

"I'll have no more

nonsense", I said with a frown,

"from Zooks who eat

bread with the butter side down!"

VanItch looked quite sickly.

He ran off quite quickly.

I'm unhappy to say,

he came back the next day.

Shoot if you must

with your triple sling jigger,

but I also now have

MY hand on a trigger!

My defensive weapon,

the jigger rock snatchem,

will fling 'em right back

just as fast as we catch 'em.

We'll take no more nonsense.

We'll take no more gupp

from you Yooks who eat

bread with the butter side up.



Mission aborted!

"I have failed, sir,"

I sobbed as I made my report

to the chief Yookeroo

in the headquarters fort.

Not at all, my dear boy.

You did fine, my dear boy!

But the slingshot... dear

me, is an old-fashioned toy!

All we need is a little

more modern kind of gun.

My boys in the back

room have already begun

to think up a walloping

whiz-zinger one!

They thought up a

great one! They certainly did.

They thought up a gun

called the kick-a-poo kid

which they loaded with

powerfull poo-a-doo-powder

and ants' eggs and bees' legs

and dried-fried clam chowder.

And they carefully trained

a real smart dog named Daniel

to serve as our country's

first gun-toting spaniel.

Then Daniel,

the kick-a-poo spaniel, and I

marched back toward the

Wall with our heads held up high!

It's time that we bop them...

- ...those monsters that dwell...

...on the other

side of the Wall!

They're fookey and freaky!

- Kooky and sneaky!

They're rude and crude!

- They're frightfully lewd!

On the other

side of the Wall!

It's time that we bash them!

- My dear, that's truth?

They're ugly, unnatural...

- ...unkept and uncouth!

They're weird and suspicious!

- Obnoxious! - Atrocious!

They're rotten! - Malicious!

- They're gauche and horocious!

Repugnant! - Repulsive

they are! - We're refined!

They're crude! - They're nutty!

- They're out of their minds!

All the things they do...

- They're no good!

I never have met one, but

I hear that they're stinky!

On the other, other, other side,

other side, that other side of the Wall!


- Ready!



Fi... Fir...

Shoot if you must

with your wee tiny shooter,

but the boys in my back

room have rendered it neuter

with this eight-nozzled

elephant-toted boom-blitz.

It shoots high-explosive

sour cherry stone pits

and will put your dumb

kick-a-poo kid on the fritz!

Poor Daniel and I were

scared out of our witz!

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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