The Baytown Outlaws

Synopsis: After her ex-husband Carlos shoots Celeste three times in the gut, it's time to play dirty. In the fight for her godson, Rob, she hires three outlawed and redneck brothers to bring him back to her. But nothing can be that simple in the South. What begins as a small rescue mission rises to a southern battle royal. This odd team must shoot their way through gorgeous female assassins, Native American hunters, Federal agents, and a whole lot of metal coming after them, while protecting Celeste's innocent child.
Genre: Action, Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Barry Battles
Production: Phase 4 Films
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
98 min


Open up!

It's your dog, bro!

We've got a warrant

for a Hector De la Taco.

So send him on out.

You've got the wrong house, ese.

Why don't you let me worry about

that there, snookum?

This is the FBI! Why the f*** don't you

open the f***ing door? Let's go!

That's cute. Look! You putas got ten

seconds to get the f*** off my stoop!

- OK?

- "Putas"?

Hey, man! You know what, man?

We got off to the wrong foot!

You're damn f***ing right we did!

All right, man! Just take a step back

and take another look

at our credentials!

Officer McQueen, would you please show

this nice young gentleman your badge?

I can't see sh*t!


You ain't gonna need this no more.

Stop it! If you had bothered

to learn the language,

you know what you could

be saying to me right now'?

Do you know what you could be saying?

You could be saying, "Hey, man",

this is a big mistake.

I'm a Federale. I've got a wife!

"I got a wife and I got a kid at home!

Please don't let me die!"

But that's all you want to do!

Talk in yourjibber-jabber.

That would be like me going to Mexico

and expect everybody to speak American.

God Almighty! I mean, what am I...'?

You tell me what I'm supposed to do.

What am I supposed to do?

All right, you've got a job. Right?

You clean toilets, or cut grass,

or whatever the hell it is you do.

This is what I do.

I shoot people in the face.

You understand?

Somebody wanted you gone, you know

who they came to. This guy right here.

You know? So I'm sorry.

But just so you know,

this ain't nothing personal. All right?

You ain't gonna believe this.


We got the wrong house.

This sh*t ain't

gonna turn out well!

You don't listen, man! You're

like MacGruber! Goddamnit, man!

Well, ain't that some sh*t.

- Sheriff?

- What's the story?

It's just an all-out massacre.

Thirteen dead bodies, mounds of drugs,

- guns, spit and ass. It's a mess.

- So who were these miscreants?

No one appeared to be anybody special.

Just run-of-the-mill

dealers and bangers.

- Anybody talking?

- You know how it is.

Nobody heard nothing, nobody saw

nothing, and nobody talks to the po-po.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Fill out all the necessary paperwork,

run the bodies through the county.

Have the report on my desk.

Sir, I also took the liberty to go

ahead and put it out over the wire.

See if we can get

a bead on these shooters.

- Now, why would you go and do that?

- Trying to speed things along.

- You think I can't do my job.

- I just thought...

Don't do that! Don't ever do that.

Just do as you're told.

' Nothing? ' NDe!

- Not even half?

- Mm-mm.

Something's gotta change!

Risking our necks for no money.

This some bullshit!

I'm about tired of us getting f***ed

six ways from Sunday, you hear me?

Goddang, man!

I was gonna put a pool in

with that money.

Goddang, motherf***er!

Stop! Yeah, walk away, b*tch!

You lucky I ain't in the mood

to whip your ass, boy!

Wasting food, motherf***er.

- Can I help you'?

- Sh*t!

- Sorry. You scared me.

- That's what I do.

I'm Celeste. I was hoping to talk

to you and your friends.

Friends? I ain't got no friends.

I've got my brothers.

Got my house. My car.

I've got a sexy little chica

standing in front of me.

But I ain't got no friends.

You wanna be my friend?

I saw you this morning.

I was hoping

to acquire your services.

You got the wrong fellas.

We was at church this morning.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So there's just three other white boys

that looked just like you

that ripped up a whole house

on Bacon Street?

Trying to figure out how you guys walked

out of there with all those witnesses.

And every cop in the state

isn't lined up at your door.

So, what's a pretty little girl like you

doing in a neighbourhood like that?

- Well, I was there to hire muscle...

- Hire him to do what?

Get my godson back

from my ex-husband.


Dang it! Cock-blocking motherf***er!

Lady, I'm not sure what it is

you think you're doing,

but that's not exactly

our line of expertise.

- I got money.

- How much?

Ten thousand.

Yeah, I don't think

saving people is really for us.

You know'? Why don't you

take that sh*t to the cops?

They'll do it for free.

Twenty-five thousand.

Five thousand up front.

Come on inside and meet the boys.

This is what I'm talking about.

Clean lines, nothing to profile.

None of that spinner,

hydraulic sh*t to get you lit up.

What I'm talking about, Sal, is you

transporting anything and everything

in this pre-owned Hyundai Sonata.

And here's the reason why.

Hidden compartment. Coated

with coffee bean and talcum paste

no drug dog on the planet Earth

can sniff out.

This space is worry-free,

and this time next month,

I'm gonna have

a f***ing fleet of them.

- Damn, that's tight.

- Hear that, Dad? It's tight.

So, what do you say, boys? You want

to take a few road trips for me?

Abso-f***ing-Iutely, Carlos.

We surely don't mind being your

f***ing little mule, Don Carlos.

But we gotta talk about our cut.

We're the one doing all the risks.

You know, I just remembered something.

I need batteries and toilet paper.

And I need to get that Brad Pitt movie.

The one where he turns back

into a f***ing baby?

Running low on milk, a few things.

I wonder where I could get all these

items in one convenient location?

- Walmart.

- Wal-f***ing-mart. That's it.

I love the way you put "f***ing"

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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