The Alchemist Cookbook

Synopsis: Suffering from delusions of fortune, a young hermit hides out in the forest hoping to crack an ancient mystery, but pays a price for his mania.
Genre: Drama, Horror
Director(s): Joel Potrykus
Production: Oscilloscope Laboratories
  2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
82 min


You don't want

to see this, Cas.


Cas, run for it!

Cas, run for it!

Run for it.



Come on, come on.

Can't breathe this stuff up.

Wait, stop.

Where are you?!

Yo, Sean.

Yo, open the door.

There's bees out here, nigga.

Open the door, man.

What up, gimp.

Damn, why you gotta

be so loud, man?

Just a warning knock, nigga.

Can't walk in while you

beating your dick on the floor,

no sh*t like that.

Ha, what up, Cas.

Cas, what up, homie?

What up, homie?

Hey, shh.

You can't be that

loud over here.

Man, chill,

paranoid motherf***er.

Ain't nobody gonna find

your ass out here, sh*t.

What's up, Cas?

What's up, Cas?

What's the deal, man?

Got your claws out for me, Bre?

Where's my stuff?

Nigga, you ain't even

gonna say what up first?

You ain't gonna check

my sh*t out, dog?

Look at that sh*t.


I finally got it, dog.

It's mine.

Remember that sh*t?

No, where's my sh*t?

Cas remember.

You remember this Cas?

Remember my jacket, Cas?


Remember when we

went to the club?

Come one, come on,

come on, come on.

What you wanna dance, nigga?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

I knew you was a fag.

Come on, man.

I got that sh*t

parked on a hill.

Hey! Hey, man.

F***ing pay attention, dude.


F***in' scary ass.

Get this sh*t, man.


F***in' stinky in here, man.

You need to open a f***in'

window or something, dog.

Did you get the gas?

Yes, nigga.

I know what the f***

I'm doing, all right.

I left that sh*t outside.

Want you blowing yourself

up in this f***ed up,

Bunsen burner of a f***in'

kitchen you got here.

I don't see my pills.

They in there, man.


What the f*** going out

here in these swamps, man?

You finished your sh*t yet?

I'm close.


Same sh*t.

I'm close.

I gotta huge ass dick, even

though I'm a bitchass,

punkass nigga.

Look, man. Trying to tell you,

you need to ahead and get you

a f***in' job, all right.

Then you can just go buy

you some of this sh*t.

You don't even have

a f***in' job, Cortez.

Nigga, yo mama ain't

got no f***in' job.

F*** you.

Nigga, f*** you.

Dude, where the batteries?

Brown box.

Got double A, got triple A, got

that weirdass nine volt sh*t

you was asking for.


Batteries not included, my ass.

Oh, sh*t.

You got a shitload

of bills, nigga.

And these look like they from

the courthouse, too, man.

You owe these fools.

They coming for yo ass.

They want you in person, dog.

I don't want to

see any of that sh*t.

I don't owe them sh*t.

I think you do, Bre.

Why don't you go down

there and tell them,

they don't own me anymore.

Yeah, sure.

I'll tell them that

sh*t next week,

when I'm down there.

I'm sure they'll

be cool with it.

Dude, this is a toy.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Dollar store always

got that cute sh*t.

What is this?

You know I don't have a freezer.

F***, man.

Thought I was being a

f***in' gentleman and sh*t,

when I bought that

piece of sh*t.

Oh wait.

This isn't right either.

F*** you talkin' about, nigga?

It's cat food.

Corkin's best?


Cats love that good sh*t.

It ain't for you.

No, he doesn't.

Nigga, he's a cat.

What the f*** he know?

He knows this is junk.


Look, I specifically

put curry brand.

In capital letters.

Give me that sh*t, dog.

Look at that.

Look at that sh*t.

Let me see that

sh*t, let me see.

Nigga, white tuna

in this b*tch, dog.

Is you trippin'?

This is the sh*t, man.

If cats don't like sh*t sh*t,

I'll eat this sh*t, dog.

You crazy.


Hell, yeah, nigga.

This sh*t gourmet.

Go ahead and eat it.

Go ahead.

I f***in' dare you.

You dare me?

I f***in' dare you.

Eat it.

Nigga, I'm 'bout

to chop on this sh*t

like f***in' mad Max, nigga.

Straight from the can.

You 'bout to miss out, dude.



I f***in' love tuna, dog.

Sh*t f***in' stinks.

Nigga, it smells

amazing to me.

Hurry up and eat that sh*t.

I'm 'bout to...





Oh, you know what, dog?

I forgot, I was supposed

to give you this sh*t,

right here.

You asked me to get these tapes.

I got this one right here.

F*** these tapes.

No, no.

I just want to, let me

give them to you now,

before I forget.


that sh*t just

dropped yesterday.

This right here...

man, whatever, whatever...

this that old sh*t.

But this the sh*t you

like to fag out on,

so you enjoy that

sh*t right there, dog.

Stop f***in' stallin'.

All right, all right.

Eat it.

All right, all right,

all right, all right.

Sh*t, chill.



Chunky, just like I like it.

The sh*t that got the crunchies.

You won't do it.

I'm 'bout to do

it, it's nothing.

You're not gonna do it,

that sh*t f***in' stinks.

It's nothin', nigga.

It's nothin'.

This ain't sh*t, dog.

What can I tell you?

It's nothing.


Nasty motherf***er.

It's dry, dog.

It's just a little

dry, but it's good.



Nigga, round two, nigga.

F***in' white tuna.

Round two, dog.

This ain't sh*t to me.

I'm 'bout to get the

big chunks goin'?

You want some?

Little p*ssy, dog.


White tuna.

F***in' idiot.


Nigga, mad Max a

motherfuckin' G, dog.



Got you something else.

Red Heat, nigga.

Yo, let's watch

this sh*t right now.

Get all f***ed up and

weird, watching Belushi

killing this sh*t, huh?


Raw Deal.

You ain't ever even

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Joel Potrykus

Joel Potrykus is an American film director and screenwriter. His feature film debut Ape won the Best New Director prize at the 2012 Locarno Film Festival, while his follow-up feature Buzzard won the FIPRESCI Prize at the 2014 Ljubljana International Film Festival. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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