The Alchemist Cookbook

Synopsis: Suffering from delusions of fortune, a young hermit hides out in the forest hoping to crack an ancient mystery, but pays a price for his mania.
Genre: Drama, Horror
Director(s): Joel Potrykus
Production: Oscilloscope Laboratories
  2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
82 min


You don't want

to see this, Cas.


Cas, run for it!

Cas, run for it!

Run for it.



Come on, come on.

Can't breathe this stuff up.

Wait, stop.

Where are you?!

Yo, Sean.

Yo, open the door.

There's bees out here, nigga.

Open the door, man.

What up, gimp.

Damn, why you gotta

be so loud, man?

Just a warning knock, nigga.

Can't walk in while you

beating your dick on the floor,

no shit like that.

Ha, what up, Cas.

Cas, what up, homie?

What up, homie?

Hey, shh.

You can't be that

loud over here.

Man, chill,

paranoid motherfucker.

Ain't nobody gonna find

your ass out here, shit.

What's up, Cas?

What's up, Cas?

What's the deal, man?

Got your claws out for me, Bre?

Where's my stuff?

Nigga, you ain't even

gonna say what up first?

You ain't gonna check

my shit out, dog?

Look at that shit.


I finally got it, dog.

It's mine.

Remember that shit?

No, where's my shit?

Cas remember.

You remember this Cas?

Remember my jacket, Cas?


Remember when we

went to the club?

Come one, come on,

come on, come on.

What you wanna dance, nigga?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

You wanna dance?

I knew you was a fag.

Come on, man.

I got that shit

parked on a hill.

Hey! Hey, man.

Fucking pay attention, dude.


Fuckin' scary ass.

Get this shit, man.


Fuckin' stinky in here, man.

You need to open a fuckin'

window or something, dog.

Did you get the gas?

Yes, nigga.

I know what the f*ck

I'm doing, all right.

I left that shit outside.

Want you blowing yourself

up in this fucked up,

Bunsen burner of a fuckin'

kitchen you got here.

I don't see my pills.

They in there, man.


What the f*ck going out

here in these swamps, man?

You finished your shit yet?

I'm close.


Same shit.

I'm close.

I gotta huge ass dick, even

though I'm a bitchass,

punkass nigga.

Look, man. Trying to tell you,

you need to ahead and get you

a fuckin' job, all right.

Then you can just go buy

you some of this shit.

You don't even have

a fuckin' job, Cortez.

Nigga, yo mama ain't

got no fuckin' job.

F*ck you.

Nigga, f*ck you.

Dude, where the batteries?

Brown box.

Got double A, got triple A, got

that weirdass nine volt shit

you was asking for.


Batteries not included, my ass.

Oh, shit.

You got a shitload

of bills, nigga.

And these look like they from

the courthouse, too, man.

You owe these fools.

They coming for yo ass.

They want you in person, dog.

I don't want to

see any of that shit.

I don't owe them shit.

I think you do, Bre.

Why don't you go down

there and tell them,

they don't own me anymore.

Yeah, sure.

I'll tell them that

shit next week,

when I'm down there.

I'm sure they'll

be cool with it.

Dude, this is a toy.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Dollar store always

got that cute shit.

What is this?

You know I don't have a freezer.

F*ck, man.

Thought I was being a

fuckin' gentleman and shit,

when I bought that

piece of shit.

Oh wait.

This isn't right either.

F*ck you talkin' about, nigga?

It's cat food.

Corkin's best?


Cats love that good shit.

It ain't for you.

No, he doesn't.

Nigga, he's a cat.

What the f*ck he know?

He knows this is junk.


Look, I specifically

put curry brand.

In capital letters.

Give me that shit, dog.

Look at that.

Look at that shit.

Let me see that

shit, let me see.

Nigga, white tuna

in this bitch, dog.

Is you trippin'?

This is the shit, man.

If cats don't like shit shit,

I'll eat this shit, dog.

You crazy.


Hell, yeah, nigga.

This shit gourmet.

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Joel Potrykus

Joel Potrykus is an American film director and screenwriter. His feature film debut Ape won the Best New Director prize at the 2012 Locarno Film Festival, while his follow-up feature Buzzard won the FIPRESCI Prize at the 2014 Ljubljana International Film Festival. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"The Alchemist Cookbook" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 5 Apr. 2020. <>.

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