
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
[A Life Of Illusion playing]
[alarm buzzing]
[grunts]
[grunting]
Hey, Andy!
What's up, dude?
Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.
How you doing?
When you going to
get a car?
Hey, why don't you
get a car?
I can't afford it.
[laughing]
We on?
See you then.
I'll bring a soda.
Hey, enjoy your orange.
Okay, take care.
See you. Bye-bye.
That guy needs to get laid.
Tell me something
I don't know.
[chuckles]
Good morning.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sorry.
[car horn blaring]
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Good morning.
Hey.
Good morning, Paula.
Andy.
Excuse me.
I have a question.
What is the difference between
I'm not a salesman,
so, I could probably...
Welcome to Smart Tech.
How can I be of service
to you?
Well, I was just
wondering...
what is the difference
between these?
(Jay)
Well, if I'm photographing
someone as fine as yourself...
I'd probably go Digital.
Hey, don't worry
I've been lied to
My God.
Sorry I'm late, man.
No problem.
Oh, man.
I had a weekend.
Yeah?
We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know...
and we thought
it would be fun, you know,
to go to this show.
Everyone's, "You gotta
check out one of these shows."
And, you know,
We get there,
and, you know, we think
it's gonna be awesome...
and it is not as cool
as it sounds like
it would be, man.
It's kind of gross.
Yeah.
You think,
and you get there
and it's...
Yeah.
It was really
giving it to her.
And you know what...
to be honest, I felt
bad for her. We all
just felt bad for her.
Yeah.
Kind of felt bad
for the horse.
Wow, that's something.
So what did you get up to?
You know, I just kind
of hung out. I was...
God, Friday,
when I went home...
I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.
And I was just obsessing
about it and I was like:
"Man, I'm gonna
make one of those."
So Saturday I went out
and I got, like,
a dozen eggs...
and I boiled them all
and then I just...
I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours...
like, three-and-a-half hours
making...
you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika...
and, you know,
all the accoutrement.
And then, by the time
I was done...
I just really didn't feel
like eating it.
I can imagine.
And I didn't have any bread.
So, you know,
it was pretty good.
It was a good weekend.
Sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, it was fine.
Sounds really fun.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool, cool.
Hey, Paula.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you something.
For the first time today,
I woke up...
I came to the store,
and I feel confident
to say to you...
that if you don't take
that you've been playing
for two years straight, off...
I'm going to kill everyone
in the store...
and put a bullet
in my brain.
David, what do you suggest
we play?
I don't care. Anything.
Beautician and the Beast.
to Fran Drescher
for eight hours...
than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.
Nothing against him,
but if I hear Yah Mo B There
one more time...
I'm gonna yah mo
burn this place
to the ground.
You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.
[garbled]
F*ck you.
[clears throat]
This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.
What are you doing?
That's my customer.
It certainly is not.
When I came upon her,
she was unattended.
No, that's my...
Wait.
Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.
She was unattended
because I went to the back...
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"The 40-Year-Old Virgin" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 21 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_40-year-old_virgin_1719>.