Surviving Christmas Page #6

Ho, ho, ho!

All righty.

Welcome, everyone.

- Here you are.

- What is this?

These are what we

in the business call scripts, Tom.

- Excuse me?

- You don't have to worry about it.

Your role is what we call "small. "

Well, you're what we

in real life call "a jackass. "

I don't know about that,

but I do know that my being here

may have caused some awkwardness

within the family.

- You think?

- I do, Tom. Seriously.

And it's even possible

that some of it could potentially be

in some small way

partly my fault.

Which part wasn't your fault?

Bop, bop, bop, bop.

I'm talking. Okay?

So what I've done is I went

ahead and wrote a sequence,

so you guys can get a sense

of what I'm going for here.

And we're all gonna

read this aloud.

- I feel like I'm insane.

- That's why you have no lines.

- Mom, I believe you go first.

- Okay.

"Oh, look at us.

I sure hope you like the meal

I so lovingly prepared

for the people I love.

She smiles at Tom. "

Oh, she's...

Have you acted?

You've acted before.

- A little theater.

- I can tell.

- I see it. It comes out.

- You were in "Pippin" in high school.

You played Wind.

Tom, you have the next line.

Uh...

"Say thank you to your mother

for all her hard work cooking for us. "

"Thank you. "

"Oh, I don't work nearly

as hard as you, dear. "

Well, that's true.

Tom, let's stay on book, please.

Brian, go ahead.

"Gee, Mom, I love you

like the dickens.

Should we pray?"

Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's

gonna give you the business?

Oh, there you are, Consuela.

Five waters for everyone, please.

Gracias.

Brian,

you were about to say grace.

- "Dear God... "

- Brian. We hold hands at grace.

"Dear God,

thank you for this meal.

Thank you for blessing us

with a family.

Not everyone has a nice family.

And also we, O Lord,

are so lucky to have Drew

in our lives. "

Amen.

"An emotional moment. "

Sorry, I keep doing that.

"Brian, if you eat it all up,

I will let you sleep with me

like I never did

when you were little. "

An awkward moment.

Skip ahead.

That doesn't work.

- That's not supposed to be there.

- What does this mean?

"Doo-Dah enters

in his bathrobe. "

Sweet Jim Jiminy!

Cold corn in the mornin'!

- This weather is killin' my joints.

- Brian, go get the shovel.

Listen to me. When Alicia came,

she totally ruined everything.

Everything was so normal

up until that point.

Silencio, por favor.

So I realized what I had to do

was expand the family.

I had to find my grandpa.

So I went and found my Doo-Dah.

Here he is. My Doo-Dah.

Your Doo-Dah looks exactly like the guy

in "Christmas Carol. " Scrooge.

That's right.

I do community theater.

And this Christmas night,

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