Surf School Page #5

That's easy.

Barneys, Freds, Wallys...

geeks, dorks, wannabes, posers,

Gilligans, weeds,

Darryls, Deweys, Kahuna Tunas...

Okay. That's good.

Thanks.

Very good.

Poindexter, write this down, man.

You may see a wave out there,

but real surfers,

they see an A-frame,

a steakhouse, curly fries.

Pennsylvania pencil cases.

A Mongolian bastard baby.

Delta Burke's a**hole.

A monkey tail.

A Chinese roasted baby koala, man.

An onion bun covered

with garlic butter.

A flamingo tit, man!

Uh, is there a hyphen in "flamingo tit"?

Shut up, Larry!

Sorry.

Come on, get on your boards!

I want to see you on your... boards.

It's all about touch, Larry.

You've got to feel that wave, man.

You got to reach out there

and find its G-spot

and touch it like it's your...

your dirty little girlfriend.

Waves are like women.

They got lots of curves,

they're slippery when they're wet,

and if you don't

ride them the right way,

they're gonna pound you, man.

They got big jugs, right?

You know.

Look. Larry...

if you're gonna rip with the big boys,

you got to learn to understand women.

Uh, not the best advice, Ripster.

Dude's a total virgin.

Yeah, man. The only booty call

he's ever seen starred Jamie Foxx.

Is that true, Larry?

No. Actually I didn't catch Booty Call.

I had an S.A.T. Review course.

And Mother thinks

Jamie Foxx is a pottymouth.

Larry, are you a virgin, man?

- Yes.

- Wow, man.

I haven't seen one of you around here

since "Grinder Teeth" Mary

took out little Jimmy McGee

behind the dumpster

at the pomegranate hut.

How'd you become

a washed-up, old wino?

Taz? We, uh...

we looked you up.

You won the world championship, 1989,

and you just disappeared.

You Barneys don't know

about the legend of...

Ghost Babe.

Dead babe?

Oh, I'm afraid she is quite alive...

to me,

my young understudy.

Was she was, like, hotter

than Pam Anderson?

Mm-hmm! Just a few thousand

degrees hotter... brah!

So there I am, the surf god,

surrounded by my disciples,

when all of a sudden... pow!

She floats right by me like on a cloud.

And all I can remember is that soft,

intoxicating breeze she left behind.

It looked like the good Lord himself

had baked those hot buns.

Her breasts had perfect alignment...

exactly the same size.

They were nothing short of...

sh-sh-sh... shweet.

Shweet.

Well, we made love

every minute of every day.

She gave me foot massages.

She brushed my hair.

She made my clothes.

And in between,

she would feed me grapes...

make me mai tais...

feed me quarter pounders with cheese

Sounds like a keeper.

How does it end?

Some surfers were hanging

out down on the beach.

So I walked over and...

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