Suburban Baby

Season #1

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FADE IN:

EXT. CAMPUS COMMON GROUNDS - DAY

The harsh Floridian sun shines down on a campus booming with interesting characters. Upbeat pop-rock music plays as camera zooms in on a sign that says BEACON UNIVERSITY

CUT TO -

A WHITE TWINK sits on the ledge of a water fountain, staring at his phone like a teenager ripped straight from a Disney Channel movie. He speaks aloud as he texts.

TWINK:

LOL. You're so silly.

Struck with main character syndrome, he runs his hands through his blonde hair, stands up, tosses a coin into the fountain. He makes a wish, but we don't hear it. He starts walking down the pathway when we hear a faint VOICE in the distance.

VOICE (O.S.)

Excuse me!

The Twink keeps walking.

VOICE (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Excuse me!

The Twink finally hears the Voice, but it's too late. Suddenly, he's grabbed by the hair and thrust out of the frame by ROME - the gayest thing since skinny jeans and Britney Spears.

ROME:

I said MOVE, b*tch! You aren't the main character...

Rome whips his red locks, giving the camera his best close up.

ROME (CONT'D)

I am!

Rome sashays down the walkway, speaking to the camera.

ROME (CONT'D)

Now, I know what you're thinking. Who is this beautiful, well-dressed, iconic melanin god standing before me? Or, in the words of Tyra Banks...

CUT TO -

A clip from the TYRA BANKS talk show rolls.

TYRA:

Get the fag off the TV. I'm not watching that!

CUT BACK TO -

Rome continues his stroll, speaking to the camera.

ROME:

One day, I was touched! And not by a priest or a family member. (winks)

ROME (CONT'D)

But by a divine revelation from an Oracle...from Starbucks.

CUT TO -

INT. STARBUCKS - DAY

Rome tips the BARISTA $100. Nonchalantly, she reacts.

BARISTA:

Oh my god, you're so amazing. This is the best day ever.

CUT BACK TO -

EXT. CAMPUS COMMON GROUNDS - DAY

Rome remains locked onto the camera, charm oozing.

ROME:

I realized I'm the best thing that's happened to this planet since lip fillers and liposuction. Don't believe me? Ask everyone, doll, I'm kind of a big deal.

Whip PAN to a BLONDE WOMAN standing at a Rotary club table, passing out brochures.

BLONDE WOMAN:

My parents took me to Rome last summer, it was so fetch. Oh, Rome like the person? Can't say I've had the pleasure...

Whip PAN to -

INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY

A buff WHITE JOCK towels off, looking confused.

JOCK:

You mean the Flamin' Hot Fag with the red hair? He's f***ing annoying. One time I bumped into him in the hallway by accident and he called me a straggot. I mean, what the hell is a straggot?

ANOTHER JOCK chimes in.

JOCK 2

Ran into him once. Guy is about as subtle as a chainsaw. Still can't shake the glitter off my letterman. And I'm not tryna be racist or anything, but everybody knows that... um... (whispers) colored people can't naturally have red hair. It's basic biology.

CUT TO -

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

A dark-skinned HOTEP man, adorned in full Afrocentric getup, stands at a roundtable, preaching to no one in particular.

HOTEP:

That brotha is a one-man wrecking ball to the Black Community! The white demon has pumped our young Nubian kings and queens full of fluoride and turned them into witchcraft practicing homosexuals. We have GOT to wake up, people!

The camera starts to back away slowly as the Hotep continues.

HOTEP (CONT'D)

Did you know we are the real Native Americans? Where are you going? You can't hide from the truth!

CUT TO -

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The camera WHIP PANS to a white SORORITY GIRL, her wig as fake as a three-dollar bill.

SORORITY GIRL:

Last year, he poured black dye in my body wash and red paint in my lipstick. I got jumped every day for two months. TWO MONTHS just because everyone thought I was in blackface!

The Sorority Girl takes off the wig to reveal a buzzcut.

SORORITY GIRL (CONT'D)

They cut off my HAIR! All because I wore some stupid box braids! (sobbing) When I asked him why he did it, he said it was because "I wanted to be black so bad," so he thought he'd help out. (Sobbing and storming offscreen) I HATE HIM!

CUT TO -

INT. CHEM LAB - DAY

A slender, gorgeous BLACK WOMAN (WOMAN 1), accompanied by two other WOMEN, are working on a concoction.

WOMAN 1

You mean Bianca's ex? That nigga is fifty shades of CRA-ZY okay? I'm glad she gained some sense and left his ass.

WOMAN 2

I dunno, me personally, I couldn't date a bi nigga or whatever he is.

WOMAN 1

Girl! You cannot say that!!!

WOMAN 3

B*tch, f*** him! He said my bag was fake in front of the whole football team. (Scoffs)I mean, it's not like he was wrong, but he ain't have to broadcast it!

CUT TO -

INT. MAIN HALL - DAY

The camera DOLLYs down the hall and up to Rome strutting. He addresses the camera directly.

ROME:

What are you doing? I said ask everyone, not a bunch of nobodies. Ugh. Walk with me, walk with me babes.

Rome gestures for the camera to follow him as he confidently struts down the hall.

ROME (CONT'D)

You see, I used to be a broke nigga.

CUT TO -

SERIES OF SHOTS:

ROME (V.O.)

Raggedy clothes, f***ed up feet, rollercoaster teeth, nappy ass hair. The only thing stable in my life were my flawless eyebrows.

CUT TO -

EXT. LUXURIOUS HOME - DAY

ROME (V.O.)

Then my lousy sperm donor got a decent job and a naive wife (his fourth by the way) who, unbeknownst to her, would be paying for our brand-new home in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I figured my life would get better, but...

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