Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #3

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You haven't seen the right sorts of

people. You've got no context for me.

So you're not in any position

to have an opinion about it.

(LAUGHTER)

Good, that's warmed the room up.

(LAUGHTER)

It'll be all right,

don't worry about it. Okay.

So on May the second, last year,

I was driving along the M4,

that's what I mainly do now.

I mainly drive around on motorways

or look after my kids,

that's why I have not had really

enough time to make this show good.

So I was driving on the M4,

it was the day Bin Laden was shot

by the Americans

and there were all different Americans

coming on the radio

talking about what they thought about

it and it made me think: What we like,

collective groups of people,

here in society.

Here's four real quotes

by real Americans

on May the second,

the day Bin Laden was shot.

This first guy, he's called Thomas

Cox, he's a construction worker,

talking in Times Square

on Radio 4, and he said,

"I made Photoshop pictures

of the Statue of Liberty

"holding Osama's bloody severed head

"and handed them out to the crowd.

It's payback."

(LAUGHTER)

It's not, is it?

The payback for Osama surely was being

shot in the face at pointblank range.

Thomas Cox's offensive collage...

(LAUGHTER)

It merely adds insult to injury.

(LAUGHTER)

Bin Laden was buried at sea,

you'll remember.

This Thomas Cox goes on, he says,

"We should have mounted

his head on a spike.

"I am hoping that the fish

and the crabs are having a good..."

(LAUGHTER)

That's never got a laugh before.

I'm glad we came to Sheffield.

After all, people found

the combination of fish and crab

amusing here

in a way that no other

British city has.

(LAUGHTER)

Erm...

It was worth it... But only down here.

The people up there...

People there,

"Fish and crab, who cares?"

He said... There isn't time

to improvise tonight,

unfortunately, we're filming it,

so I just move on.

Otherwise, I could have got 10 minutes

out of that fish and crab bit.

(LAUGHTER)

Hello, Michael? Yes.

Are you bringing the Roadshow

here to Sheffield?

Yeah, fish and crab stuff,

they love it.

(LAUGHTER)

I basically go everywhere first

and I sound it out for him.

He ignores what I say.

(LAUGHING) He, erm...

"We should have mounted

his head on a spike."

He said, "I'm hoping that the fish

and the crabs are having..."

No. See, second time...

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, only once, though, only once.

Don't milk it.

Paul Tonkinson will sort it out

for you, all right.

Erm...

"We should have mounted

his head on a spike.

"I'm hoping the fish and the crabs are

having a good meal on his eyeballs."

Now, it's a very apposite quote that

because as you all know,

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