Steve Martin and Martin Short: An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life

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Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Steve Martin!

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Wow!

Thank you so much!

It's not necessary.

Thank you.

Thank you. Please be seated.

Marty couldn't make it.

Have a safe ride home.

Right off the top,

I want to apologize for ticket prices.

I know from your point of view,

you're thinking, "It's only two guys.

Why is it so expensive?"

But you know, it takes 18 people

to put this show on.

We have two sound engineers.

We have a lighting director.

We have seven musicians on stage.

We have someone to walk my Fitbit around.

We have an intermediary,

because Marty and I

no longer speak to each other.

We have a celebrity lookalike

in case I don't feel like going on.

Steve says hi, by the way.

But ladies and gentlemen,

right now I am so excited

to introduce a man I love to work with.

A man I met over 30 years ago.

A man...

a man...

a man who is...

a man who is so, so talented

in so many different ways.

He sings. He dances.

He's an incredible musician

and I consider him to be

the real star of the show tonight.

Mr. Jeff Babko on piano,

ladies and gentlemen.

- Thanks, Steve! You know, I thought...

- Thank you, Jeff.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to introduce a man

who's as funny as a barrel of monkeys...

But that's it.

Mr. Martin Short!

I love this end the best!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Just because I say "thank you"

doesn't mean you have to stop applauding.

I can't tell you how humble...

your response

makes a huge star like me feel.

Please be seated.

How are we on time?

- We just started.

- Oh, I see.

All we ask...

Damn this Greenville altitude!

Melissa!

- It's Jeff.

- Jeff!

Let's try that top note

one more time, shall we?

Damn! Son of a b*tch!

Thank you so much!

But stop loving just me.

Remember Steve's here too.

You know, Marty, it's been a long-time

dream of mine to perform a two-man show

right here at the Peace Center

with you in Grinville...

- Greenville!

- Grinville?

- Grinville!

- Grinville?

Greenville. You know, I shouldn't have

had that Motrin. Anyway...

In Greenville... South Carolina.

Tonight...

Anyway, tonight, I feel I am

one step closer to that dream.

You know what?

- Steve!

- Let's just leave that as is.

Steve, you'd tell me if you'd had

a stroke, wouldn't you?

But you're right. It is a thrill.

It's actually more than a thrill.

It's an obligation.

Steve and I call this show

If We'd Saved, We Wouldn't Be Here.

- Good night, everybody!

- Hey!

- Marty!

- No!

I looked online at the Peace Center

website and there were our photos

and across them were written the words

"sold out."

And I thought...

how rude.

Let me just say, Steve...

truthfully, what an honor it is

for me to be standing next to a man

who is a novelist, a playwright,

a musician, a composer...

and a legendary comedian.

And let me say what an honor it is for me

to be standing next to the man

who is standing next to that man.

You know, Steve, of all the people

that I have a fake show business

relationship with,

I feel fake closest to you.

Buddy!

Oh, by the way,

when Marty and I fly together,

we save a lot of money,

because Marty fits conveniently

in the overhead bin.

True. Absolutely true.

Let me just say, I am such a fan.

I mean, I see your work and I'm whelmed.

I think I've seen Cheaper by the Dozen

over 500 times.

Wow! Thank you!

Every time I see it,

I say the same thing.

"Steve, you know,

we could watch something else."

You know what I love about

touring around with Marty Short?

No paparazzi.

When I think of Steve...

And it's not often. But when I do...

the one thing that strikes me

more than anything else about you

is how unbelievably pale

you are in person.

It's like I'm being haunted, you know?

No, really.

I mean, you look like

a page in a coloring book

that hasn't been colored yet.

Steve once got a sunburn

from his Kindle reader. You know?

You look like Anderson Cooper

froze to death on New Year's Eve.

Yes, you do!

Thank you. Thank you.

You look like someone put a white toupee

on a urinal.

Hey, listen to me.

I'm not trying to be negative.

No, I can tell!

- Why?

- But out of curiosity,

how far into the embalming process

did they get

before you woke up screaming?

It must have been frightening for you.

We should explain something. It sounds

like we are insulting each other,

but we're actually not. This is the way

we pay compliments in Hollywood.

That's correct. It's true.

Hollywood compliments are a lot like

regular compliments.

But they have a slight passive aggressive

dig at the end.

- I'll give you an example.

- Yeah.

Steve, you know,

it's truly an honor for me

to be performing with

the world's biggest star...

from 1978.

Oh, Marty, that is so sweet!

And I often hear people refer to you

as a whole entertainer.

Well, I added the word "entertainer."

And may I say that you look fantastic?

And I guess that's the charm

of looking 70 since you were 30.

Burn!

Hey, Marty, you know I think of you

as a Renaissance Man,

and not just because

you carry smallpox.

You know, I...

I don't often use the word "genius."

- And?

- Nothing.

You know, the other day,

Steve butt-dialed me,

which was so impressive,

considering he still uses a rotary phone.

When did you add that?

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