
Step Brothers
Hey, Brennan.
Mom, I'm watching the thing
with the lady.
I'm leaving. Okay?
I'll be home around 11.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Brennan.
Let's slowly get those hips up.
Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.
Dale.
Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.
- You leave me money for pizza, Dad?
- Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.
Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.
- But what if I want wings?
- You don't need wings.
That's not enough, Dad!
...is the state-of-the-art
implantable hearing device...
...due to its input processing of sound
via the speech processor.
But the most exciting
new development...
...is the external processor...
...which fits directly over the ear...
...which eliminates the need to put
your face between those breasts.
I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost.
My name is Robert, and I play
racquetball. I collect coins.
Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.
I am Nancy Huff. I know
how to make tandoori chicken...
...I contribute to NPR
every single year...
...and I love the movies
of Rob Reiner.
Pilates changed my life.
I have a boat, and I wanna retire
and sail around the world.
- I love the sea!
- And I drive a Mercedes...
...and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale,
- What did you just say?
- I knew I shouldn't have told you that.
I have a 39-year-old son
named Brennan...
...who still lives at home with me.
I would like to thank all of you...
...for being here with us
on this fantastic, wonderful day.
And I would like to raise my glass.
to our home with open arms.
- Get a room, Dad.
- Oh, for chri... Dale!
Well, as you all know, my youngest
son, Derek, couldn't be here...
...because of an important
fishing trip.
But my other son, Brennan, was going
to be moving into his own place...
...but he was recently let go
from his job at PetSmart...
...so he is gonna be living with us.
I wasn't fired from my job,
I was laid off!
But you wouldn't
know the difference.
I didn't want salmon!
I said it four times.
This wedding is horseshit.
Somebody's awfully quiet
back there.
I'm not gonna call him Dad.
Brennan, you're 39 years old.
to call him Dad.
Well, I'm not going to, ever.
Even if there's a fire.
Robert better not get in my face...
...because I'll drop
that motherfucker.
Jesus, Brennan.
I'm just saying, I think
you gotta think about your options.
I know that you are
technically married now...
...but that does not mean
that they have to live here.
Dale, I think it's time for a change
for both of us.
Dad, we're men, okay?
That means a few things.
We like to shit with the door open.
We talk about pussy.
We go on riverboat-gambling trips.
We make our own beef jerky.
That's what we do.
And now that is all wrecked.
any of those things.
Where did he go to medical school?
He went to Northwestern
and Johns Hopkins.
- Is that good enough for you?
- No, it's not.
Well, Brennan, those are
very prestigious schools.
I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
You don't know anyone
named Johnny Hopkins.
It was Johnny Hopkins
and Sloan Kettering...
...and they were
blazing that shit up every day.
All right, here's a scenario
for you, Dad.
Suppose Nancy sees me
coming out of the shower...
...and decides to come on to me.
I'm looking good.
I've got a luscious V of hair...
...going from my chest pubes
down to my ball-fro.
And she takes one look at me,
and she goes:
"Oh, my God.
I've had the old bull,
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Step Brothers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 16 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/step_brothers_18857>.