Stark Raving Black Page #3

l was laughing my tits off

at his clean story.

And then Vince began

to talk about his father...

[sighs]

His dead father.

Son of a b*tch.

He's pulling out

the dead father card.

That's a hard one to trump.

And his father was

a great and wonderful man.

He was not only a redneck;

he was a judge.

He was everything

to everyone.

He was the greatest man

that ever walked the Earth.

And all

l kept thinking was,

''Sh*t, l don't have time

to go home and kill mine.''

And Vince said, as his father

got sicker and sicker,

he pulled Vince aside

and told him

that he had

an idea for a song

that he always

wanted Vince to write.

And Vince couldn't get it

written before his father died,

but after he died,

he found the inspiration

to write that song.

And now

he was gonna sing it.

Who's not going

to like that song?

And it was a great song.

lt was sad and-

son of a b*tch-it was funny.

lt was really funny.

The refrain

of that song was,

''How can l kiss

those lips at night

that have been chewing

my ass out all day long?''

lf you didn't laugh

at that,

you're f***ing brain-dead.

And now he's set the bar

for the kind of bad words

you can use.

And you can say

''ass'' in reference to your ass,

your physical ass,

as in,

''He said the word 'ass.'''

[giggles]

''l thought

he was going to say 'heinie.'''

Now l'm standing offstage,

and l'm going through

my f***ing act

getting rid

of all the bad words.

l've got about

two minutes of stage time.

And then...

his wife came onstage.

His wife, if you don't know,

is Amy Grant.

And if you don't know

who Amy Grant is,

you should.

She is the greatest

Ohristian singer

in all of Ohristendom...

And she is made

entirely out of cream.

l know because

l stood behind her and poked.

Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

And she's perfect.

She's f***ing perfect.

The only thought l had

as l stood next to her was,

''Lewis, you're

a despicable piece of sh*t.

You're a despicable

piece of sh*t.''

Now, she comes on the stage,

and she kisses him.

Oh, really?

The two of you had to kiss?

You f***ing fucks.

Are you shitting me?

Haven't you

taken enough from me?

You were

just standing there.

She was

just standing there.

He's been gone 1 2 minutes.

There was

no f***ing reason for that.

Now, when it comes to love,

l am the most jaded f***

in the universe.

But l have to say,

when the two of them kissed,

you could feel their love.

lt went in waves

over the audience.

l was knocked over

by a riptide of their love.

Son of a b*tch.

How will l, a Jew,

ever know Ohristian love?

My friends, many have

been married for years,

and l've never seen

that kind of love.

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