1 BLACK 1
The screen is black. Thunder rumbles.
When you hear thunder...
A black bowling ball pulls away from the lens. The ball is in
the hands of THEO SKINNER, an intense, handsome 28 year old
man with sideburns dressed in worn bowling attire.
...God is bowling.
He holds the ball in front of him, wristbrace on, his face a
study in concentration.
2 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 2
An empty causeway spans a bay somewhere along the south shore
of Long Island. The sky is overcast. SHEILA, a woman in her
late twenties, wearing a full length heliotrope pleather coat
over a waitress outfit, kneels in the middle of the road. A
souped-up Vespa motor scooter stands nearby.
KEN AND BARBIE:
Sheila holds a Bridal Barbie and Ken doll set. She sets them
down on the road, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and soaks
the dolls. She pulls out a bowling pin-shaped lighter and
torches the nuptial tableau.
3 INT. THEO'S CAR 3
Theo drives his ratty old American car along a highway. The
car has Ohio plates. He sucks coffee from a 7-Eleven "Big-
Swig" cup and examines a map. A yellow plastic "Bowler on
Board" sign is stuck to a side window. Theo's music PLAYS.
His eyes nod off, then snap awake.
The screen is black, except for three circles in the middle
of the screen. The light shining through them is snuffed out
by three large pink objects. There is a loud POP, like a
thumb being pulled out of a tight hole.
A slow motion low tracking shot of a
bowling ball hitting a polished lane.
Close-up of the milky white surface of
two bowling pins on opposite sides of the
lane - a seven-ten split. The RUMBLING
ball is heard in the distance like a
furious hulking steamroller of doom. The
pins begin to tremble, and then transform
into a Bridal Ken and Barbie. The dolls
burst into flame.
The ball blasts past the camera and
metamorphoses into Theo's car.
RAPID DISSOLVE TO:
5 EXT. BRIDGE 5
Theo's sedan blasts past the camera down the empty road.
The flaming couple stand in the middle of
the bridge. Theo's car hits the pair and
they fly into the air in slow-motion. A
distant SOUND of pins scattering is
heard. The two dolls smoke as they spin
into the sky, then hit the water with
6 PIN RESET MACHINERY 6
An American Machine and Foundry pin reset machine performs
its functions like a mechanical ballet as the camera follows
a bowling ball through its journey. The "Spare Me!" theme
MUSIC (similar to "Balboa Blue" by the Marketts) swells.
SPARE ME! appears on the bowling ball. Pins tumble
across the back plate, are loaded into the pin conveyor,
lifted up to the crown feeder, distributed into the rotating
carousel, and then set down in perfect formation upon the
polished bowling alley.
BURN-IN PRINCIPAL PLAYER TITLES. Titles appear on the pins.
The ball trundles along the return trough straight into the
7 INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY 7
A muzak cover of 'Broke, Busted, and Disgusted' PLAYS in the
background as Theo gingerly pulls a hot taco out of the
microwave oven. ALFIE, the rickety old man who runs the
store, shuffles up to the self-serve island and begins wiping
it down. Theo pokes at the taco with a spork as steam rises.
He pulls a disgusted grimace. Alfie pours himself a cup of
coffee and then attempts to open a tiny container of half &
half. Because his hands are shaking so much, the cream goes
everywhere but into the coffee.