FADE IN:

1 BLACK 1

The screen is black. Thunder rumbles.

THEO (VO)

When you hear thunder...

A black bowling ball pulls away from the lens. The ball is in

the hands of THEO SKINNER, an intense, handsome 28 year old

man with sideburns dressed in worn bowling attire.

THEO (VO)

...God is bowling.

He holds the ball in front of him, wristbrace on, his face a

study in concentration.

CUT TO:

CREDITS:

CUT TO:

2 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 2

An empty causeway spans a bay somewhere along the south shore

of Long Island. The sky is overcast. SHEILA, a woman in her

late twenties, wearing a full length heliotrope pleather coat

over a waitress outfit, kneels in the middle of the road. A

souped-up Vespa motor scooter stands nearby.

KEN AND BARBIE:

Sheila holds a Bridal Barbie and Ken doll set. She sets them

down on the road, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and soaks

the dolls. She pulls out a bowling pin-shaped lighter and

torches the nuptial tableau.

3 INT. THEO'S CAR 3

Theo drives his ratty old American car along a highway. The

car has Ohio plates. He sucks coffee from a 7-Eleven "Big-

Swig" cup and examines a map. A yellow plastic "Bowler on

Board" sign is stuck to a side window. Theo's music PLAYS.

His eyes nod off, then snap awake.

4 NIGHTMARE4

The screen is black, except for three circles in the middle

of the screen. The light shining through them is snuffed out

by three large pink objects. There is a loud POP, like a

thumb being pulled out of a tight hole.

BOWLING BALL:

A slow motion low tracking shot of a

bowling ball hitting a polished lane.

BOWLING PINS:

Close-up of the milky white surface of

two bowling pins on opposite sides of the

lane - a seven-ten split. The RUMBLING

ball is heard in the distance like a

furious hulking steamroller of doom. The

pins begin to tremble, and then transform

into a Bridal Ken and Barbie. The dolls

burst into flame.

BALL:

The ball blasts past the camera and

metamorphoses into Theo's car.

RAPID DISSOLVE TO:

5 EXT. BRIDGE 5

Theo's sedan blasts past the camera down the empty road.

BURNING DOLLS:

The flaming couple stand in the middle of

the bridge. Theo's car hits the pair and

they fly into the air in slow-motion. A

distant SOUND of pins scattering is

heard. The two dolls smoke as they spin

into the sky, then hit the water with

dual HISSES.

DISSOLVE TO:

6 PIN RESET MACHINERY 6

An American Machine and Foundry pin reset machine performs

its functions like a mechanical ballet as the camera follows

a bowling ball through its journey. The "Spare Me!" theme

MUSIC (similar to "Balboa Blue" by the Marketts) swells.

TITLE:
SPARE ME! appears on the bowling ball. Pins tumble

across the back plate, are loaded into the pin conveyor,

lifted up to the crown feeder, distributed into the rotating

carousel, and then set down in perfect formation upon the

polished bowling alley.

BURN-IN PRINCIPAL PLAYER TITLES. Titles appear on the pins.

The ball trundles along the return trough straight into the

lens.

BLACK:

7 INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY 7

A muzak cover of 'Broke, Busted, and Disgusted' PLAYS in the

background as Theo gingerly pulls a hot taco out of the

microwave oven. ALFIE, the rickety old man who runs the

store, shuffles up to the self-serve island and begins wiping

it down. Theo pokes at the taco with a spork as steam rises.

He pulls a disgusted grimace. Alfie pours himself a cup of

coffee and then attempts to open a tiny container of half &

half. Because his hands are shaking so much, the cream goes

everywhere but into the coffee.

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