Sordid Lives
- [ Microphone Feedback ]
- [ Woman ] Ouch. Sh*t.
- [ Man ] Turn that down, Bitsy.
- [ Bitsy ] Sorry.
[ Woman ] Wardell, do you think
God killed Peggy as a punishment...
for having that affair with G. W.?
- You know I don't believe
in that sh*t, Juanita.
- [ Bitsy ] Testing.
- Can y'all hear me?
- [ Wardell ] We sure can, Bitsy.
[Juanita ]
Bitsy, have you ever had an affair...
with anybody with missing limbs
or anything?
Not that I can remember, Juanita.
I once had an affair
with a man with only one testicle.
[ singing:
And who's a sinner ]You're my 27th therapist
in the last three years.
[ singing:
Lord, it's tough enoughto trudge from brunch to dinner ]
I'm from the South.
Uh, Texas, actually.
[ singing:
We seek the light of truth ][ singing:
Between our white lies ]I was raised rigid Southern Baptist,
I'm an actor, and I'm gay.
[ singing:
We sleep away our youthunder tattletale skies ]
[ singing:
Who's a sinner and who's a saint ][ singing:
Who's to say who you can love ][ singing:
And who you can't ][ singing:
Now it's easy for the pot[ singing:
They're just jealous of the hotand lusty, sordid lives they led ]
[ singing:
Ain't it a b*tchsorting out our sordid lives ]
[ singing:
It's a b*tchwhen you come to realize ]
[ singing:
Crack yourself a boxof CrackerJacks ]
[ singing:
You can get a really shitty prize ][ singing:
It's a b*tchsorting out our sordid lives ]
[ singing:
Now there's troublecoming down the chute ]
[ singing:
To take our first breath ][ singing:
And we struggle for acceptance[ singing:
But the Lord's too busytrying to keep the world on its feet ]
[ singing:
He ain't got time to give a damnabout what goes on between the sheets ]
[ singing:
Ain't it a b*tch ][ singing:
Sorting out our sordid lives ][ singing:
It's a b*tchwhen you come to realize ]
[ singing:
Crack yourself a boxof CrackerJack ]
[ singing:
You can get a really shitty prize ][ singing:
It's a b*tch sorting outour sorry, little ]
- ] Oh, yeah ] ]
- [ Clapping ]
- That's real good, Bitsy.
- Thank you, Juanita.
When I was a kid, I was fat.
[ Horn Honking ]
A fat boy.
[ Sighs ]
Waddle-butt.
That's what the other kids
used to call me.
I just wish they could see
my ass today, 'cause I've worked
really hard on my ass, you know?
[ Sighs ]
Anyway.
One year--
I think I was in the fifth grade--
my mama took me shopping
for school clothes...
and I had gotten fatter.
I had to try on jeans.
Well, the only ones that would fit
were the husky ones, you know?
They had that label on the back
that said ""Husky.''
It was kind of announced
to everyone behind me I was a husky.
I started crying.
I didn't want everybody
to know I was a husky.
And my mama...
sat me down right there in Sears
and told me no one else had to know.
Just me and her.
It was our little secret.
So, she bought the Husky jeans.
She took 'em home.
And then she went to the Goodwill,
and she bought some used jeans.
Well, she took the label
off the Husky jeans
and sewed on the ""Slim'' label...
from the Goodwill ones.
Slim. Sh*t.
Like I could pull that off.
It's just the kind of mama
she was though.
Never made me feel bad
about being fat. She--
She always just made it okay.
that is unconditional love, and--
Well, maybe if I told her
I was gay, it'd--
you know, it'd apply.
And this other thought
just keeps running through my head:
She'd just try and change the labels...
from gay to straight.
I tried to do that for years.
I love your new song. You gonna
sing it at the dance on Saturday?
That's the plan.
- See you boys in the funny papers.
- All right.
I just can't get Peggy
off of my mind, Wardell.
- That's some serious-ass sh*t
you've been through, G.W.
- I'm in agony.
- Yeah, I can tell.
- I remember it so vividly.
We met at the Bonanza over in Abilene,
had us a nice steak supper.
She followed me back to the motel.
Jacob's ladder.
Witch's hat.
You do Jacob's ladder, then witch's hat.
Two tricks in one.
Well, one trick,
and then you do another by just
pulling the string with your teeth.
You have too much time
on your hands, Odell.
- Ain't that somethin'?
- You know what I can't
get off of my mind?
- Oh, here we go again.
- I can't get that...
- pig-bloating incident off my mind.
- What?
Please, G. W., if I have to hear
that goddamn pig story again...
- I think I'll just sh*t.
- All happened at the Tyler County Fair.
I guess now's a good a time as any.
Was that steak tender,
the one you ate that night Peggy died?
Thank you, hon!
I'll see you at the funeral!
Well, I'll tell you one thing...
I sure as hell wouldn't have
quit smoking if I had known
Three days now.
I am about to die myself.
H-H-Hold on.
Ouch. Oh, Lord.
Huh? Oh, nothing.
Well, if you must know,
it's a little quit-smoking therapy...
that Roger over at the Beehive
shared with me while he was
back-combing my hair.
He paid $2,000 at this clinic
over in Snyder...
and they give him a rubber band--
told him to pop his arm with it
every time he wanted a cigarette.
It's called, uh...
behavior modifi-something another.
Roger can tell ya the exact wordage.
Anyway, it ain't workin'.
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"Sordid Lives" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 May 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/sordid_lives_18537>.
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