Someone Marry Barry
In every group of
friends, there's always one guy
who can best be described as
the inappropriate one.
I call that guy a Barry.
A Barry says and does things
other people only think.
And he does not know the word
propriety.
There are all kinds of
Barrys.
Old Barrys...
young Barrys...
and Barrys all over the world.
And that's me and my three
best friends when we were ten.
The one on the end,
that's our Barry.
His name is Barry.
Growing up we thought Barry
was hilarious.
He played pranks on girls,
he infuriated teachers
and we loved him for it.
But, as we've gotten older,
and started having careers,
wives, and families,
he's become an embarrassment,
a detriment to our
livelihoods and reputations,
a social wrecking ball.
I believe friendship
has no limits.
At least I did...
until Barry went too far.
He never, um,
passed up a opportunity
to appreciate a moment.
My, uh, dad had so many
great qualities.
Um... he was loyal.
He always put others
before himself.
He made an indelible
impression on- on everyone:
my mom, my son JT,
and myself.
Especially during that tough
time after my wife passed away.
So for all these reasons
and uh...
really too many more to count...
I'll miss you, Dad.
Thank you so much, Rafe.
Does anyone else
have any remembrances
they'd like to honor
the deceased with?
Just a simple anecdote or
memory to honor him by?
Really?
Oh, I should say something.
Hm?
- I should say something.
No you should not.
- Yes, I should.
Rafe's dad is not getting
the tribute he deserves.
We gotta celebrate
the man's life.
I think it's fine.
It's fine.
Next time, man.
Next time?
Barry.
- Anyone?
Sir?
Barry, have you thought about
what you're gonna say?
Yeah, for years.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, shh.
- No, no.
Thank you.
I don't-
Hi, ev- hi- whoa...
it's louder than I thought.
My name, for those of you
who don't know me,
is, uh, Barry Burke.
And, uh, I been friends
with Rafe, Kurt, and Desmond
since we all went to camp
together in the fifth grade.
It was the best time of my life.
Our motto back then was,
"Pals forever,"
and it still is today.
As a matter of fact,
the first time I met Rafe
he proved to me
what a great pal he was
by pulling Suzy Henchey off me
for kissing her.
Do you remember that?
Her, uh, her reaction
pretty much set the trend
for my present romantic life.
It is not good.
Uh, the point- the point is,
um,
I'd be remiss if I didn't say
a few words about his dad,
because he was such a
special guy to-to all of us.
I remember the time
in sixth grade when he-
he came to our school
and snuck us out of PE.
Took us to our first
porno flick.
I'll never forget that.
Kurt, you popped in your pants
right there in the theater.
Kurt the Squirt, that's where
that nickname came from.
That's interesting.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Jeez, Louise,
that is a lot of semen
for a ten-year old. "
I remember- I remember
we all had to clean it up.
Didn't happen.
Talk about leaving
an indelible mark.
I'll never forget that one.
I think maybe you should-
Yeah, yeah, and I remember
this other time
in the seventh grade
when he taught us how to
smoke the weed.
No, no, no.
Remember that?
Yeah, he taught us
how to roll it,
puff it, pass it.
He taught us how to smoke weed!
You- you got us so blazed, dude.
You got us so blazed,
you just- come here.
Sir-
- Oh my God!
Photo-op, hang on,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're not supposed to touch
the body...
And- and although he may have
had some honey on the side,
he loved you, Mrs. Griggs,
he loved you,
and I don't think there is
a single solitary soul
in this building
who doesn't know that.
Now, I could go on, and on,
and on about this...
...fella, but I won't.
We're gonna raise a glass
for you tonight, Mr. Griggs,
'cause we all know how much
you like to get your drink on.
Boom.
Hope they serve up there
in heaven.
All right, peace, Space Cowboy.
Why do you push me?
Thank you, Mr. Burke.
That was...
Um, if we could all just move
to the reception area,
um, very quickly,
just because I- we-
Come on.
What were you thinking Barry?
I thought everybody knew,
obviously.
No one knew,
least of all my mom.
It sounded do good in my head,
Rafe.
It sounded so regal.
- Regal?
Everyone probably suspected it.
What does that mean?
- Uh, Barry-
Wha- it means that
everyone knows you're too busy
chasing around random skanks
to spend any time with your son.
That is so not true.
Dad?
Hey, buddy. You okay?
Are you sad 'cause-
'cause Grandpa died?
I know, buddy.
It's, um, it's sad.
It's really just sad,
but, uh...
...do you know what?
Just think of the good times
and stuff.
Hey, hey.
Hey, buddy.
Hi, Uncle Barry.
Not doin' to good, huh?
No, me neither.
Do you remember
how you and your grandpa
used to get ice cream
every Sunday?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Yeah?
Do you want to honor him?
- Yeah!
Well hot dog!
Let's honor the man!
What are we doin' sitting here?
Meet me over at the dessert
tray in two minutes.
We'll see who can scarf back
three chocolate chip cookies
faster.
My money's on me, Short Stack.
All right?
Oh, and then- and then-
and then we're gonna put some
crumbs in Uncle Dan's jacket
because Uncle Dan
is a you know what.
Scrotum.
- Total scrote-bag.
Now go ahead and swing outta
here, you little monkey.
Wow, man, he really loves you,
Barry.
Yeah, you just gotta
make it fun, man, you know?
It's not that hard.
Rafe, you know,
you should go with him.
Yeah, I should.
I'll do that.
Uh, later.
Excuse me. I never got a chance
to thank you.
You run a lovely funeral, and-
You guys are giving me sh*t?
He's trying to get laid
at his dad's funeral.
Oh.
It's about the pitch.
I gotta take it.
Let's go.
My feet are killing me.
Okay, well, maybe just
one moment longer,
you know, for Rafe,
because it's a big day for him.
Well, it's not like we can
do anything for him.
His dad's already dead.
I just- I'll give you
another foot massage.
Whatevs.
Just find me when you're ready.
Alright, I love you-
Oh.
You gotta break up with her,
man.
What?
You gotta break up with her.
Are you on drugs?
- No.
She walks all over you.
You- you- you-
you're just too blind to see it
because you're in shock
that she talks to you,
Okay, n- news flash, uh,
Desmond and Rafe love her.
No they don't.
- Yeah, they do.
No, they don't like her either.
They're just too afraid
to tell you.
You deserve better than her.
She's mean.
She's manipulating you
with that kiss.
Don't you see that?
I mean, yeah...
any guy would gladly get up
to his nuts in her guts, okay?
That's not in dispute here,
okay?
he problem is she's a twunt.
It's a new term I'm using.
It's a combo of two words.
Guess which two.
Twitter?
- Twat and c*nt.
Ah!
Yeah.
Would you prefer cwat?
The terms are
interchangeable.
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"Someone Marry Barry" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 2 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/someone_marry_barry_18459>.
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