Small Time Crooks

Synopsis: Dishwasher and small-fry criminal Ray hits on a plan with his partners in crime to re-open a local pizza place and dig through to the bank down the street. As his wife can't cook pizza but does great cookies, that's what they sell. While the no-hope tunnellers get lost underground, the cookie operation really takes off and the team find themselves rich business people. But the other local money isn't quite ready to accept them.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Woody Allen
Production: DreamWorks SKG
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 1 win & 3 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.7
Metacritic:
69
Rotten Tomatoes:
66%
PG
Year:
2000
94 min
Website
67 Views

May I help you?

I'm looking for a box of chocolates.

Something fancy, if you have it.

- Is it for a gift?

- Yeah. I want something fancy...

...and not too rich because she tends

to put on a little blubber, the wife.

- Uh-huh.

- Around the thighs.

What about this one?

It's really nice. It's kind of rich.

- It's from Belgium.

- From Belgium?

- It's very pretty.

- Yeah.

- Hey, Frenchy, I'm home!

- Who's that?

"Who's that?" It's the pope!

- I always wanted to see your apartment.

- Shh.

- Who comes home every night? Me.

- I'm watching Princess Diana.

Not again! How many times

you gonna do that?

Look at those clothes.

I told you time and again,

she got all that stuff discount.

You think those kings and queens

buy retail? It's a known...

- Here, I got you some chocolates.

- Chocolates?

You heard of chocolates?

I got you chocolates.

- How come?

- What do you mean, "How come?"

These are from Belgium.

They're handmade by "Belgiumites."

Tell it to the marines!

You're up to something.

You get caught

hitting on a waitress?

In 25 years of marriage,

have I ever hit on anybody but you?

I don't buy it, Ray.

You got a scheme. You got a scheme!

Forget it! Get me dinner.

They're not for you.

- I got you nothing. Just get me dinner.

- Fine.

I want my dinner right now,

and hurry up.

Before you make dinner,

I gotta talk to you about something.

What did I tell you?

Here comes the commercial.

- Frenchy, I need our 6,000 bucks.

- What?

- I gotta have our six G's.

- That's our whole savings.

- Don't get dramatic about it.

- Ray, six G's. That's all we got, right?

I got a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna make us rich.

How you gonna make us rich?

Rob a bank?

How'd you know that?

How'd you guess that?

What?

First shot out of the box,

you got it.

Is that why Tommy Beal's coming over?

And Denny?

What would you say

if I told you...

...that you were married

to a very brilliant man?

- I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

- This is foolproof.

You told me you were finished

with that life.

I've been finished with it.

But look at me.

I kick around

from stupid job to job.

- You like the way we're living?

- It beats your former residence.

Think I like spending our anniversary

staring at you through glass...

...talking over a phone?

Frenchy, you stood by me.

Granted, you stood by me.

Two years in the joint I waited for you.

And what did I get for it?

You got Belgian chocolates.

What's wrong with that?

God, I've got an idea

and this is so incredible.

But we need seed money for this plan.

We need 18,000 bucks.

Denny's kickin' in six, Tommy's kickin'

in six, and I gotta put in my six.

- Where are those bums gonna get

that kind of stake? -They're not bums.

- Maybe they didn't go to Harvard.

- Harvard?

They never completed kindergarten

because they were drafted.

You're such a snob, Frenchy.

For God's sakes! Denny's not

stupid'cause he drives a truck.

No, he's stupid because he has

a low I.Q. Come on, out of the way.

- Oh, I'd like to just flatten you once!

- Oh, yeah.

Tommy's got street smarts.

He is street smart.

His brain's got potholes.

You with the wisecracks!

She's got an answer for everything.

Forget it!

I'm not spending our last few bucks!

I got my end.

I told you I could match you.

You overmatched him.

He can't get his end.

Frenchy,

I've gotta have that money!

For a heist? Pass. Maybe

if you needed a quadruple bypass.

- This is a brilliant thing!

- No, Ray really is a genius!

- Compared to you this chair is a genius.

- This is a plan of a great mind.

This is precise, mathematical. It's hard

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Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, and playwright, whose career spans more than six decades. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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"Small Time Crooks" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 20 Oct. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/small_time_crooks_18326>.

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