Sleepwalk with Me Page #3

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But Abby was the greatest person

I'd ever met in my life.

I fell for Abby

from the moment I saw her.

She had this big,

beautiful smile.

Like, it seemed like her teeth

were bigger than her head

but in a sexy way.

So I built up the courage

to say...

HEY...

. HGY...

Il just wanted to say,

I really was moved

by your performance

just, like, on every level.

Almost sounds creepy.

No, I meant it

in some of the creepy ways.

I kept running into her

on campus...

HEY...

Because I was following her.

- Matt.

- Matt. Matt.

Hey, Abby.

Hey, Matt, right?

Yeah.

And I'd see her, and I'd say...

Hey, are you free, like,

this weekend?

She'd say no,

which was hot also,

'cause I knew she was sensible.

No, really, we're arranging

four new sons,

and they all need rehearsal...

Eventually, I threw her

an off-speed pitch.

I said...

Do you want to go

to church sometime?

What?

Well, I haven't been to church

since I was, like, ten,

but there's this nice chapel

here on campus,

and I was thinking,

if the date doesn't go well,

maybe we'll get something

out of the homily.

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh J'

Abby actually

had to convince me

to have sex for the first time.

I think I really want to.

Yeah.

Get out of here!

Sorry.

She decided we'd go

to a bed-and-breakfast,

because nothing alleviates

the fear of sex

for the first time

like a really elaborate plan.

It was, like, a reversal

of those '80s high school movies

where the girl is like,

"Devin, I can't."

And Devin's like,

"But you can."

She was Devin,

and I was Molly Ringwald.

I think falling in love

for the first time

is such a transcendent feeling.

You know, it's like eating

pizza-flavored ice cream.

Your brain can't even process

that level of joy.

Is there anyone else?

Yeah?

Yeah? Come on.

Whoo!

I was thinking about

Cookie Monster, you know?

And I was just thinking, like,

do you think he...

this guy has

an eating disorder?

Like, all he eats is cookies,

and he doesn't even

have a throat.

You know, like,

he's only fooling himself.

Um, and I was...

like, I was thinking about

stick insects, you know?

And, like, if I were an insect...

I'm not an insect.

Like, I know that.

But, like, if I were

an insect, like,

I'd hate to be a stick insect

'cause all the other insects

are always, like,

bumping into you

'cause they don't know

you're there,

"and you got to just be like,

'Watch it."

And they're like,

"Yeah, you look like a stick."

And you're just like,

"Yeah, I have eyes."

And they're like,

"Yeah, they were closed.

More sticks."

That's all the jokes I have.

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