Sleeping with Other People

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1

Matthew!

Hey!!!

Where are you?

Matthew!!

Stupid.

Matthew! Are you gonna

f*** me or what?

On it.

On it like a bonnet.

On it like a bonnet -

alright, fight club,

what the hell is going on here?

- I'm a guest!

Unless someone signed

you into the building,

you are not a guest.

Alright? Please.

- Man, I miss my friend.

- Don't take that tack with me.

My friend lives here.

Please don't put me

in this position.

Why are you doing this?

I'm going to have to

call the campus police.

Jordan, she's my guest.

- She's your guest?

- Yes. She's... Hey Stephanie!

- Yeah.

Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you.

Stephanie... Sanders.

- Stephanie Sanders.

Right here.

Just take care of her, okay?

Oh yeah, I got this.

This is all taken care of.

You don't have to

worry about that.

- Thank you.

- Thanks, man.

- Thank you.

- Sorry.

- Oh, rock-and-roll.

- What?

- I said Rock and roll.

- Oh...

Alright, this is us.

Us... You're funny.

Nice porn.

Yeah. Ha.

Nice panties.

Who are you?

I'm Jake.

Lainey.

That's a nickname they

give people named Elaine.

Elaine's a great name.

It's like Elaaaine!

Elaaaine!

Hey, if you ever even

mention The Graduate again,

I will slit your throat.

Okay, Lainey.

Glad we got that cleared up.

Welcome to my Thursday night.

You ehm...

You wanna watch porn

and smoke drugs?

This sucks.

You know what I was

gonna do tonight?

Judging from your outfit

I'd say scale a mountain?

Lose my virginity.

Hold on a second... You were

going to lose your virginity to

Matthew Sobvechik in 11B

at Ween Dormitory?

He's the TA in my

pre-med bio class.

I'm deliberately failing to

get work sessions with him.

We fool around after he teaches

me things I already know.

Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik

managed to bag such a

delightfully unhinged hottie,

by being the most boring

f***ing guy on this

entire floor is beyond me.

Well, I'm in love with him.

Come on, there's no way

you love Matthew Sobvechik,

the Pontiac Aztec of people.

Lainey, you having sex with

Matthew Sobvechik is basically

the same thing as me telling

an Aborigine in the Australian

outback that he's about to

listen to the Beatles for the

first time - and then

I play Blues Traveler.

That's a cruel joke for I will

have just tricked him into

thinking Blues Traveler is the

greatest band of all time.

Okay, now if you were to sleep

with Matthew Sobvechik you will

be addicted to mediocrity

for the rest of your life.

And that barely covered vagina

of yours deserves better than

that. It doesn't

deserve John Popper,

it deserves John Lennon. Okay?

You understand me?

I'm talking about, like,

the White Album. Not Hook.

Tell me what sex is like?

- Oh my god, you have

got a one track mind.

- F*** you.

Enlighten me.

You want me to tell you

what sex is like, huh?

- Tell me.

- Okay.

You better be ready.

- You ready?

- Yes.

Sex is like...

kissing with your entire body.

Very sensual experience.

It's like shooting heroin

in a controlled yet

moist environment. You know?

You know what it's like - it's

like Times Square at night.

I mean just the right

tinge of danger.

Oh my god.

What?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

So I haven't technically...

- actually...

really done it yet...

Why are you laughing at me?

That's not...

But you're so old!

F*** you!

I didn't call you an old virgin!

I'm shocked.

I'm shocked. You're so cute.

Why are you giving

me sh*t? You can't get the

most boring dude in

our dorm to sleep with you.

You know, that's ridiculous.

You're the one who should be...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset I was

just joking around with you.

I thought we were joking around.

So I was joking.

This was all very romantic and

then you just f***ed it up.

It was?

I'm so sweaty all of a sudden.

You're incredible.

You're gonna drive some

guy crazy some day.

Hey!

Hey, Hannah!

Hannah!

Hannah!

Leave me alone!

- Come on, I can do this all

the way to Brooklyn...

Whoa easy.

Easy... Easy...

Hey, did you see me take out

that cab? Sydney Bristow style!

Thank god you stopped.

Okay? Please. Please

- You're disgusting!

- Okay, maybe you're right.

You might be right.

- How could you f*** her, Jake?

I- Look-

Oww!!

- How could you even kiss

me after you f***ed her!

What are we doing in the

middle of the street?

- Because I hope we f***ing die!

- Please, come on.

Let's get off the street, okay?

Okay, look, look, look, look,

look. Hey, hey, hey...

I appreciate your anger,

I really do, okay.

And Lord knows I could use

the exercise, but I do believe

there are exactly three points

we should discuss. Okay?

First off, in our initial

conversations about exclusivity,

I distinctly recall you saying

something about staying casual.

Yeah?

- I only said that...

Most likely because you

thought that was what I wanted

to hear. Yes?

- Yes!

- Okay. Well... Me taking you

at your word doesn't make me

an a**hole. It does

however make you a liar.

You're such a piece of sh...

- Hey second second point. Okay?

If you really, actually

wanted monogamy,

why have casual sex with

me for three months?

I mean, if you want

to grow flowers,

you don't plant them in a

closet. So either you're stupid

or deep down inside you

don't want monogamy either.

You f***ed my best friend!

Which brings me to my third

and final point. Your chief

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