Simon Amstell: Do Nothing Page #4

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The friend says, "Oh, what are you up to?"

And I say, "Oh, a bit of shopping.

We've got a pineapple."

An hour passes, and then the boyfriend

says to me, "What's wrong with you?

"Why do you always have to...

"Why do you always have to try

to be so funny all the time?"

I said, "Well, it wasn't funny, it was factual."

I said, "There was a pineapple."

He said, "You deliberately chose

the most humorous object in the trolley."

"Well, I'm gifted."

So awkward all the time,

a ridiculous way to be.

But there's this feeling of,

even though I believe that we're all one,

I still feel a constant detachment,

even with people who I'm close to.

Like, my mum and I have got

a good relationship,

but there's a detachment, there's

an inauthenticity to every conversation.

I feel like I should be able

to tell her anything,

but there's a sort of awkwardness to it,

on the phone.

And I think it's because I came

out of her vagina, and that's...

That's sort of always there, you know?

"Oh, have you done

your council tax, Simon?"

"Mum, I came out of your vagina.

"Let's not pretend

that's a normal thing to have happened."

"I came out of your vagina, I sucked

on your tits, you want to talk about tax?"

And my grandma as well,

whom I got on with quite well,

still, an awkwardness,

I think because my mum came out of her,

I came out of my mum,

it's like a Russian-doll awkwardness.

I didn't want to be that person any more.

I didn't want to be that guy

in front of this actor.

In my ideal world, I would have been able

to go up to him, and just say,

"Hey, how are you?

I saw your play the other week. It was great."

"Oh, thank you. Oh, of course.

I remember the nod."

"Why are you crying?"

"I've got too many sinks."

"I don't know why,

but I feel I need to ask you

"if you'd like to go and get some coffee

with me or a juice or something, and...

"And I don't know, maybe if that works out,

we could move to the country together."

"Okay, well, let me just purchase

this effortlessly cool cardigan

"and we can talk to an estate agent."

Here's what actually happened.

Because of my personality.

I saw him there, he hadn't seen me.

He was about a metre away from me.

There, that thin.

And what I thought... For some reason, what

I thought would be really cool and seductive

would be to just stand

in the middle of the shop

and shout his full name.

He turned round, alarmed.

I could see the terror in his eyes,

but because I'd started at a certain volume,

I thought it'd be too odd to get any quieter.

So I'm then just shouting about

the good reviews this play has had

and he's going,

"Oh, I don't really read reviews."

And he's all timid and vulnerable,

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