Short and Curlies, The


Have you got anything

for a sore throat?

- Do you wanna gargle?

- I beg your pardon?

I'm joking. Just something to suck.

- Pastilles?

- Got any crayons? No, no, no, no.

Seriously, what have you got?

Mac's, Vic's, Tunes, Bradosol,

Merocaine, TCP.

- Whatever.

- What about a Fisherman's Friend?

- What about a Fisherman's Friend?

- 52.

Right, Joy, we'll take six inches.

Let's go the whole hog, shall we?

Oh, that's it.

See, that's looking better already.

- I hope it won't be too severe.

- Oh, no, that's lovely.

That's gonna be gorgeous. You see,

that's making your face look wider.


You all right?

You've had your hair cut,

haven't you?

Can I help you?

Er, yeah, do you have any shampoo

for greasy hair?

- Is it for you?

- No, it's for a friend.

Yeah, it's for me.

- How often do you wash your hair?

- About two or three times

a year - no, a week.

- You want a frequency wash.

- Do I?

- That's what I use.

- You ain't got greasy hair.

- I have, actually.

- Yeah?

I got dry ends

but it is greasy at the roots.

- You're having me on, aren't you?

- You could try that.

I like your hair like that.

It's quite pretty.

Oh. Thank you.

- Do you want this, then?

- Yeah, I'll take it.

- All right? Hello.

- Hello.

Eh! Oh...

Hang about.

I hate my name.

- What's your name, then?

- Clive.

- That's unusual.

- But you can call me sir.

Joy, did you know that there's as

many molecules in a teaspoon of water

as there are teaspoons of water

in the Atlantic Ocean?

- This is my house.

- Oh, right.

- I'll see you tomorrow, then.

- Yeah, all right.

You go easy up them steps.

I'll see you, then.

Ta-ta, then, Clive.

Two hands, please, Joy. That's it.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

It's got to be a snug fit, you see.

- Can I let go, Betty?

- Yeah.

I'll tuck the back in for you.

- How's your mum, Joy? All right?

- She's not too bad.

Only she's not been in to see me,

lately, you know.

- This isn't gonna hurt, is it?

- No, it'll be all right.

And if it does pain, Joy,

just shout out, you know,

like when you're in labour.

'Cause my Charlene had

a very big head, you see.

- I can't stand pain.

- Can't you, Joy? No?

- Ow!

- That's it, Joy.

Ooh-ooh! Did you forget your key

again, Charlene?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's typical.

Oh, I'm queasy.

I've just seen a gorgeous cat

lying dead in the road

outside the church, there.

And I don't like cats, do I?

All its insides were out.

- Did you get that boiled ham?

- Yeah.

And I've been itching down below

and I don't know why.

Oh, I'm dry.

Put the kettle on, Charlene.

And of course, she wanted me just to

walk out, leave my two ladies.

I said, "Oh, no, Cynthia,

I can't do that."

I said, "Jerry said you was ill

and I was expecting a full day's wages."

"Oh, all right," she says,

"I'll come back at two o'clock."

At two o'clock I'm sitting there

in my coat and she doesn't show up.

There's your tea, Charlene.

And the next thing is that

at half past five, Jerry walks in.

"Oh, she's bad again," he says.

And I said, "What is it this time?"

"Oh, it's her thyroid." I said,

"Well, Jerry, I'm not surprised."

You see, she takes tablets

for her thyroid, Charlene,

but with that diarrhoea being bad,

they'd gone right through her.

And then he checked

the takings again.

Course, you see,

they don't trust me, Charlene.

Oh, that itch is bad.

I don't know whether it's a tight bra

or whether I've been bitten.

I was on the telly last night.

I'll sleep anywhere

when I've had a few drinks.

- I think I'm getting a mouth ulcer.

- Oh, yeah?

- It's the salt.

- Two peanuts walking down the road.

One was a salted.

- Do you ever get constipated?

- No, no, no. My mum does.

Why, do you?

I've decided. I'm gonna try Senokot.

Then the world will drop out

of your bottom.

I don't think that's very funny.

You've been decorating, then?

Don't you like them?

- I've just had them done.

- No, I do, actually.

It's beautiful.

Oh. I'm quite pleased

with them myself.

What's round and really violent?

A vicious circle.

That's better. You see?

You can smile. That's nice.

Lightens up your face.

It's good.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

Oh, you've heard it.

- I've got a blister on my heel.

- Yeah?

- You got a hole in your stocking?

- No.

How do you get your feet in, then?

Don't you get embarrassed,

selling these?

- Not particularly, no.

- I would, I would.

- You get used to it.

- I'd laugh.

Do you want some, then?

Yeah, all right, yeah. Extra large,

that's the one, that's me.

- Don't be so stupid.

- No, no, no, I mean it. Go on.

You're wondering now,

ain't you? Look at you.

- No. No.

- You're thinking, "Hello..."

- It's nothing to do with me.

- We'll see about that.

- So I'll pick you up about seven?

- Yeah, all right.

My feet are really aching.

- You got any clothes pegs?

- I use a foot deodorant.

I like it, I like it, honestly.

It's 'cause of

standing on them all day.

What else have you got to stand on?

I hope I'm not gonna get

varicose veins.

- 'Cause my mum's got a varicose vein.

- Has she?

Are they, like, hereditary?

Runs in families, yeah.

Noses run in my family.

You want to try a decongestant.

Hell hath no fury

like a woman's horn.

The trouble with wearing tights is

your skin can't breathe.

I know a funny joke about stockings.

- Go on, then.

- No, it's dirty.

- I don't like dirty jokes.

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Mike Leigh

Mike Leigh (born 20 February 1943) is an English writer and director of film and theatre. He studied at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art (RADA) before honing his directing skills at East 15 Acting School and further at the Camberwell School of Art and the Central School of Art and Design. He began as a theatre director and playwright in the mid-1960s. In the 1970s and 1980s his career moved between theatre work and making films for BBC Television, many of which were characterised by a gritty "kitchen sink realism" style. His well-known films include the comedy-dramas Life is Sweet (1990) and Career Girls (1997), the Gilbert and Sullivan biographical film Topsy-Turvy (1999), and the bleak working-class drama All or Nothing (2002). His most notable works are the black comedy-drama Naked (1993), for which he won the Best Director Award at Cannes, the Oscar-nominated, BAFTA and Palme d'Or-winning drama Secrets & Lies (1996), the Golden Lion winning working-class drama Vera Drake (2004), and the Palme d'Or nominated biopic Mr. Turner (2014). Some of his notable stage plays include Smelling A Rat, It's A Great Big Shame, Greek Tragedy, Goose-Pimples, Ecstasy, and Abigail's Party.Leigh is known for his lengthy rehearsal and improvisation techniques with actors to build characters and narrative for his films. His purpose is to capture reality and present "emotional, subjective, intuitive, instinctive, vulnerable films." His aesthetic has been compared to the sensibility of the Japanese director Yasujirō Ozu. His films and stage plays, according to critic Michael Coveney, "comprise a distinctive, homogenous body of work which stands comparison with anyone's in the British theatre and cinema over the same period." Coveney further noted Leigh's role in helping to create stars – Liz Smith in Hard Labour, Alison Steadman in Abigail's Party, Brenda Blethyn in Grown-Ups, Antony Sher in Goose-Pimples, Gary Oldman and Tim Roth in Meantime, Jane Horrocks in Life is Sweet, David Thewlis in Naked—and remarked that the list of actors who have worked with him over the years—including Paul Jesson, Phil Daniels, Lindsay Duncan, Lesley Sharp, Kathy Burke, Stephen Rea, Julie Walters – "comprises an impressive, almost representative, nucleus of outstanding British acting talent." Ian Buruma, writing in The New York Review of Books in January 1994, noted: "It is hard to get on a London bus or listen to the people at the next table in a cafeteria without thinking of Mike Leigh. Like other wholly original artists, he has staked out his own territory. Leigh's London is as distinctive as Fellini's Rome or Ozu's Tokyo." more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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