Sgt. Bilko

Synopsis: Sgt. Bilko is in charge of the Motor Pool at an Army base. He's also a good-natured con man, providing gambling facilities for the soldiers on base. When an old enemy from his past shows up to inspect his records and steal away his fianceé, Sgt. Bilko has to put his skills to creative use...
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jonathan Lynn
Production: MCA Universal Home Video
Rotten Tomatoes:
93 min


Livin' in the USA

This is WBXT,|the voice of Fort Baxter.

All personnel are invited to join|Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool...

...for a demonstration|of proper spark-plug maintenance... at 0420, 0530 and 1455.

Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455.

- Did you win?|- Nope.

Private Wally Holbrook|reporting for duty.

- First assignment?|- Yes.

- Relax. Know where you're assigned?|- Motor pool.

- OK. Motor pool?|- Yes, I...

- You're going straight to the colonel.|- Colonel? What'd I do?

- How old are you, son?|- Nineteen, sir.

Nineteen... So young.

I'm a first-rate mechanic.|My two uncles owned a garage.

- Got any money?|- Yes, sir.

- Give it to me.|- But...

It's all right.

- My word, there must be $500 in here.|- 700. See, I worked at my uncle's...

You're going to take $700|in cash into Bilko's barracks?

- Yes, sir. Who, sir?|- Give me your hat, please.

Sergeant Bilko.|Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko.

- Well, good luck. And Godspeed.|- Thank you, sir.

Remember, if you need anything|at all, need any help...

...the old colonel's door is always open.|- Thank you, sir.


- I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko.|- You're too late, junior, no more bets.

- No, no, no. I'm reporting in.|- Come on, Duane! Pull!

Dig deep, baby!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

He's got the wrong shoes!|Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes.

He's got no traction. And this horse!

This horse was not this lively this|morning. I want it drug tested now!

Someone, quick.|Get a urine bottle and a mop.

Hey! What's goin' on?

It's Private Doberman. He's the one|who looks sort of human.

Last night in the gym, Doberman said|"I feel as strong as a horse. "

Some guy from company P overheard him|and said "Yeah? For how much?"

It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing|unless you're prepared to back it up.

No, no, not across the line.|Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back.

- Are you OK, Duane?|- Sarge, I can't do this any more!

You did your best, Duane.|What's money, anyway?

So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up.

- Hurry up.|- Oh, so now we're on a schedule?

- Shall we go once more?|- Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge.

Don't worry. I won't put you|through that again.

- He's finished. He's a loser.|- No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser.

I oughta... Hold me back! Aah.|No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him.

- You wanna double the bet?|- Double the bet? Ha! You're serious.

- Sarge, no.|- What's the matter, Ernie? Scared?

Sarge, please. That's all|the platoon's money-every cent.

This is beyond money now. This is|a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000.



Hey, you can't do that, man.

- Ready, Duane?|- Sure, Sarge.

See? He was just rollin' up the bet.

He's like a god.

Duane! Duane! Duane!

Duane! Duane! Duane!|Duane! Duane! Duane!

Yeah! Yeah!

Walk him around and wipe him down.

Not the horse! Doberman.

Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle|is property of the US Army.

I want it back on the post by tonight.|We have rules! Rules and regulations.

I have your rental agreement right here.

And if you blow anything up,|it's coming out of your deposit.

Teenagers! So irresponsible.

- Sarge, you said I could count the take.|- She got to count it last time.

Will you stop fighting?|It's like I'm running a daycare centre.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.|We could keep 'em in the storeroom.

- Luis, how many kids on the post?|- Personal dependants under five?

- 293.|- Get me the total of their allowances.

- Hey, in the storeroom? Kids?|- Zimmy, they won't die.

In fact, that'll be our motto:|"They won't die. "

I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure|the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm.

Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T,|reporting in for duty, Sergeant!

Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror.

First in his class,|motor-vehicle maintenance.

A real live wrench-turner|in the motor pool?

It's so crazy, it just might work.|I'll introduce you to the boys and girls.

What's the matter, Sarge?

Don't you smell it? It's money.

This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella.|You'll see them about dances, raffles.

You'll get your tickets|through them. They run the shop.

So if you need stationery, magazines...|But not magazine subscriptions.

See Morales about that. Towels...

- Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels?|- Army? Get him a set of towels.

The fluffy ones.|The introductory price. Come on.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Dino Paparelli.|You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry.

You're gonna love|this scrappy little Italian.

- Hiya.|- Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple:

..."An indictment is not a conviction. "|- Damn straight.

That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman.

Tragically, Zimmerman was born|without a personality.

- Hello.|- Luis Clemente.

This guy is smart, very smart.|He has an IQ.

- Hello.|- See what I mean?

Tony Morales. The only thing|you need to know about him... he doesn't take showers|because it fogs up the mirror.

Finally, the man of the hour, the master|of disaster, the king of the universe -

...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone -|Private Duane Doberman!

Aw, Sarge.

Doberman doesn't take showers either,|but for a much more frightening reason.

My orders, Sergeant.

Everything seems to be in order.|Henshaw will take your bags.

Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence?

- A driver's licence?|- We can make one up.

- Henshaw, get the camera!|- No, no. I have a licence. It's right here.

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Nat Hiken

Nathan "Nat" Hiken (June 23, 1914 – December 7, 1968) was an American radio and television writer, producer, and songwriter who rose to prominence in the 1950s. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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