Saraband Page #5

Maybe I was a little drunk.|I said nasty things about...

the damned university,

my colleagues,|our work environment.

And then about my father,|that old bastard.

Anna didn't say a word.|And that upset me even more.

I remember thinking...

"What's on Anna's mind,|while she's sewing that skirt?"

"What's she thinking? Maybe|that Henrik is unbearable".

And then she said it.

"When you're like this,

I start thinking that you're|not the man I planned to marry".

Then she went to the living|room and started to pack.

I tried to stop her.|She didn't move...

but a message got through|from her body to mine.

It said "I'm leaving...|I'm leaving you".

Then I said, with a voice that was|foreign to me: "Nobody leaves me".

"Nobody leaves me"

"Nobody turns his back on me|and leaves... ".

I sat on the floor and|thought: "It's over".

I shut my eyes and thought:|"Anna's leaving and she won't return".

But then I heard her|going around the kitchen.

She was making coffee.

But she didn't say a word.|Maybe she wanted to sober me up.

She didn't say anything for the rest|of the evening: just kept on sewing.

Anna was the silent type|anyway, she never spoke much.

But we didn't need to speak;|we always knew...

I begged her to forgive me.

Like a child to his mother:|"I won't do it again".

It's just what I want to say to you,|but it sounds ridiculous.

Anyone can say "I'm sorry",|but it's meaningless.

So no further words|were spoken that night.

It became a...|distant night.

Anna sunk into a deep sleep: I|stayed awake listening to her breathing.

I watched her, a street light|shone through the window.

I gazed at her for a long time and|wondered if she really knew...

how much I loved her.

Between Anna and me it was a question|of belonging, if you know what I mean.

An ownership that was...|a miracle. I know it sounds fatuous.

There's no better word.

I fell asleep as dawn approached,|and when the alarm clock rang,

we got up, had breakfast|and chatted as usual.

I went to a class|and Anna went to the library.

This is an explanation:|not an excuse.

I have no excuses.

If you leave me...

Ill be ruined, or some other|word that doesn't exist.

In due time, you'll have your freedom.|You'll go to the conservatory...

With professional teachers|and a different life.

It'll be different for me also.

These months with you have|been "a state of grace".

For me, that is,|not for you.

It was kind of you|to return so soon.

I don't know what to say.|It's all so complicated.

We don't have to|speak about that.

Sometimes I feel a great|punishment awaits me.

FOUR:

About a week later,|Henrik visits his father.

"Kierkegaard, S.|Or A Fragment of Life"

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