Sailor Beware

Synopsis: Because of a misunderstanding Melvin Jones is inducted into the Navy despite his numerous allergies. When appearing on a TV show sponsored by a lipstick manufacturer, fluke circumstances cause him to be perceived as an irresistibly great kisser by viewers, and he is undeservedly hyped in the media as "Mr. Temptation." His shipmates bet their pay that he can get Corinne Calvet, a sexy French chanteuse, to kiss him. Despite his allergy toward kissing girls, he tries not to let them down even though it threatens his relationship with girlfriend Hilda.
Director(s): Hal Walker
Production: Paramount Pictures
108 min

- Well, Jim, they look pretty good, huh?

- Certainly do, Chief.

If it does, it'll be a miracle.

Hey, how long we gotta

stand in line, sailor?

- Sailor?

- Oh, you're the doorman?

Have you ever considered

any other branch of the service?

The Army recruiting office is

just down the street, you know.

Oh, thanks gobs, gob,

but I gotta get in the Navy.

It's practically doctor's orders,


Doctor's orders?

Oh, yes, sir. You see, it's my allergies,

and my doctor says I need ocean travel,

and this is the only way I can afford it.

Do you know anyone in there?

The chief of this station and I are

as close as that.

Oh. Then maybe you can

do me a favor, sir.

You see, I'm a little bit worried

about passing a physical,

and I thought maybe

you could get the chief in there

to put in a good word for me.

Well, you can depend on that.

I'll see that the chief tells them

all about you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

Gee, I hope he don't forget

to tell the chief about me.

Hey, buddy, I can't watch you go down

for the third time.

Be my guest?

Oh, you want I should change places

with her?


You don't have to get mad.

I was just asking.

Now, look, honey,

we can't hold up the Navy.

Oh, Al, doll!

That'll hold you for four years.

Goodbye, sugar.


Goodbye, Al.

- Wasn't that...

- Hetty Button.

You know, if I could kiss a girl like that,

I wouldn't have to join the Navy.

Oh, cheer up, Atlas,

I'm only going through the motions.

I go in one door and come out the other.

They won't have me.

- How do you know?

- This is the 11th time I've tried to enlist.

They keep rejecting me.

I have a trick knee.

But these goodbyes

sure make it worthwhile.

You mean after 11 times

she hasn't caught on?

That's the 11th girl.

Gee, you're lucky.

I can't even get close to a girl.

I'm allergic to face powder,

perfume and lipstick.

If I get too close to a girl,

my uvula becomes edematous,

which means inflamed,

and if it becomes inflamed, it swells up.

Then I can't breathe.

And if I can't breathe,

that could become fatal.

- You said a mouthful.

- Do you know women could kill me?

What a way to die.

Although I could dose myself with

privine, pyrobenzamine and Benadryl,

then breathing would be possible

but so expensive

I'd probably starve to death.

Yeah, what's the difference?

If you can't go out with any women,

you might as well be dead anyhow.

I got it. Why don't you go out

with a lot of women,

kiss them and build up an immunity?

I can't even get close to a girl.

I've never been kissed.

Even my mother wouldn't have

the nerve.

Well, that figures.

All right, come on, let's close up.

The old man is still as bad as ever.

Where do you think you're going?

I was just... Nowhere.

- What's it to you?

- Get back where you belong.

Don't let that fathead

talk to you like that.

Who's calling me a fathead?

My friend has a right to his own opinion.

Is that your opinion?

I'll say it is. He thinks you're a stupid ox.

- Now I'm a stupid ox, huh?

- I didn't say anything.

Don't back down.

Tell him you'll punch him in the nose.

Stop putting words in my mouth.

I won't say that.

- You won't say what?

- "I'll punch you in the nose."

- Oh, I said it.

- Why, you...

He broke the whole chest. Now my ribs

are busted, they're all smashed.

Come on.

Hey, do you see that?

That little guy down the line?

- Yeah, Chief.

- Well, naturally, I don't want to interfere

and I don't want any leniency shown,

but I do want to make certain

that this guy is really physically fit

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James B. Allardice

James B. Allardice (March 20, 1919, Canton, Ohio — February 15, 1966) was a prominent American television comedy writer of the 1950s and 1960s. During World War II he served in the US Army where he wrote the play At War with the Army. Following the war, Allardice attended Yale University where his play was later on Broadway in 1949 and filmed in the same year with Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Allardice is best known for his collaborations with writing partner Tom Adair on a number of highly successful American 1960s TV sitcoms including The Munsters, F Troop, My Three Sons, Gomer Pyle, USMC and Hogan's Heroes. Allardice won an Emmy in 1955 for best comedy writing for his work on "The George Gobel Show". He contributed to Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and wrote Hitchcock's "lead-ins" for all of the 359 episodes of the series, as well as many speeches for Hitchcock's public engagements. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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