Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #4

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My dad worked.. I never really understood.

You ask my dad what he did.

"What do you do?" "I work."

"Where?" "At my job."

"What do you do?" "Job-related work."

I never understood what my dad did.

I was five, my dad was going to work,

I stopped him and I go:

"Dad, where are you going?"

He goes, "Work."

I go, "What do you do?"

"I work at a chicken plant."

And then he left.

You can't tell a five-year-old

that you work at a chicken plant

and then walk out of the house.

I'm five years old. I can't comprehend

what a chicken plant is.

I know what I chicken is,

and I know what a plant is.

For the next 7 years, I told people

that my dad planted chickens.

It wasn't till I was 12, I was like,

"Dad.." He was going to work,

I go, "Dad, what exactly do you do?"

He goes:

"I check to see if the chickens

are good or not."

And then he left.

And I still didn't know what that meant.

I literally picture my dad

standing around, going, "Good chicken.

Good chicken.

Stop the line. Bad chicken."

I don't know what he did

to the bad chicken.

"I wanna talk to you for a minute.

Come here. Come here.

Listen, you need

to get your sh*t together. Okay?

Start clucking like the rest of them.

Don't be such a cock."

Never had to worry about school.

I mean, I did, because I was in it.

But.. But my parents gave up.

They gave up early.

They knew..

They would literally beg me.

They'll be like,

"Son, please, just try and get 50.

It's a pass. Just get 50."

I'm not bragging, and..

Nor am I glorifying this. But..

Um, this is an actual mark I got

in grade nine typing.

Typing. All right?

It was 1984. Don't judge me.

There were no computers yet.

It was actual typewriters.

Um, my typing..

My final mark was 13 percent.

Even my dad was like, "Son...

Son, you've hit a new low.

Do you realize you get 25 percent

just for signing your name correctly?

What f***ing name did you put?!"

They gave up when I was a teenager.

They did.

My only rule when

I'd leave the house was..

I'm like, "Dad, I'm going to the mall."

"Okay. Son, oh, don't die."

That was it. That was their only rule.

"Don't die. We've already failed enough.

We don't need the ultimate failure.

Well, don't die while I'm alive.

After I die,

die as many times as you want.

But... while I'm here, don't die."

Never had to worry

about a career or a job.

Well, a job, yes, just not a profession.

When I was 16, my dad comes to me

and goes:

"Son, one day,

you won't be in school anymore."

And I was like, "I'm gonna graduate?"

"No, son.

Focus, son. Focus. Focus. Come on.

That's never going to happen. Okay?

When you're not in school,

you're going to need to get a job."

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