Running with Demons Page #2

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thought were gone and here

they are again and that's all

I'm really equipped to deal

with it are those feelings.

Now I'm doing everything I

can to improve on that but

I'm not perfect.

So when those issues come

up that's where it

stems from.

And I'm definitely

correlating the two because

they'e the same feelings;

it's just a different

timeframe in my life

and a different person.

It's not like I woke up one

day and said - Oh poor me my

mom died, I'm going to throw

my life down the tube. But

it's a catalyst to what

eventually led to that self

destruction at the

highest level.

And I was searching for ways

to deal with that understand

it overcome it and

they were all wrong.

Then it started to become,

well this is my life this is

my destiny Im going to

end up the way my mom did;

this is my job now.

Those reasons then started

to develop into a way of life

which then became...

including a full blown

addiction.

I thought that using drugs

and drinking as much alcohol

as I could somehow would make

me feel better about myself

and would take away the

emotional traumas that I was

dealing with.

But that doesn't work, and

that's when drugs just became

a way for me to not feel and

my first thought of the day

was I hate myself, I got to

get through another day and

you start adding,

cocaine, heroin,

pot, acid, Quaaludes, Valium,

speed everything I could get

my hands on to that

mix and it then becomes,

I hate myself, I don't

really want to live,

and I'm physically strung out

on these chemicals I've been

putting in my system, for

the past few years and I'm

physically going through

withdrawals right now and I

need to get this

stuff out of my system.

So then it's, who

did I lie to last night?

Where am I going to get

the money to pay for my

addiction?

Who's lying next

to me in the bed?

Who did I beat up last night?

Where did all this

blood come from?

Why is my window shattered?

Why are the cops

knocking on my door?

That's what I

dealt with everyday.

None of that is

appealing, it's sad,

it's depressing but that was

my life because of the choice

I made to use drugs

period, end of story.

No disease, no,

poor me I relapsed,

I made a choice to use this

stuff and I paid the price

for it severely on many

levels...

Male speaker (OS): Over

here Todd.

Tony (the Director): repeating

Todd! Over here... Todd

He's gonna beach himself.

Hey Todd, you've got to

go that way.

I didn't want to

be a drug addict.

I didn't want to lose

my friends,

my family, but I did.

And I was pissed off about it.

I really didn't want

to live like that,

I just didn't:
A) know how to

not live without drugs and

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