Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Gordon Anderson

Beautiful piece.

No! No, no, no.

Get off!



Let's see how much...


It's beautiful.


No, very... very gentle,

like a baby, yeah?






No, no, no.

Ah! The old motion de...


Oh, God, no!


It's full.



We're on.

It's Mum!

Hey, Mum!

Yeah, Mum.

Yeah, I'm in a meeting.


She wants to talk to you.

You... Come on!

Yeah, he's in a meeting.

N... Mu... Hey...

Oh, no. Oh, God, the tunnel!

Oh, God, the... Goodbye, oh...

Mum, I can't do this right...

Hello, there.

Who is this? 'We've got a job for

you boys.' No, no, no, no, no.

I do not do that

kind of work any more.

No, got a real job now.



We're in.

Give us a pen. Hang on...

Yep, getting there. Hang on.


Right, so... OK.


What should I call you?


Teddy Mayfield.

Call the guys.

We're back in the game.

Where's Terry?

Terry was busy.

This guy's a psycho!

Ah, f*ck sake!

Who are these cockheads?

All right.

So we know what we're

going to do, OK?

We're going to get straight in,

get the egg in the bowl,

and sort this shit out, OK?

We know where the egg is.

We know what's going on.

Get the egg. How come...?

It would be about being a team.

Wait, why do you get the horse mask?

What are you talking about?

You get the horse mask

and we get all the cow masks...

Yeah, cos I'm a horse.

I get to be a horse.

Are you f*cking serious?!

Is he serious?!

Are you doing this?!

Why can't I be the horse?!

Have it!

OK, let's go.

What the hell is that?!

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?! It's a gun.

Oh! Why'd you bring him?!

Right, you're staying in the van!


I'm a bit nervous.

This is my first time.

Check the sign! She's a beauty.

Very straightforward. No stopping,

no loading, Monday from Thursday,


Monday to Friday, 7-10am,

6-8 in brackets.

No return within two hours.

Sunday 5-7.

You don't seem to have a permit, so

you've got to move it forward!

Just one space.

There, you've got it!


How'd you get in?

Get...! Get...!

Ah, the old motion de...




You shot me in the f*cking leg!

It's OK.

No, no, no!

We need a tourniquet!

No, no, no!


6 o'clock.

Look at the second sign!

Very straightforward.

No stopping, no loading,

Monday-Thursday, 8-11/am/pm.

One van...

Off, off, off, off...

Off, off, off, off, off...


If you think I'm

staying in that f*cking van...! Shh!

What should I call you?

It's, er...

It's Mayfield. Teddy Mayfield.


It's Mum.

Hi, Mum.

No, I'm not screening your calls.

Just been in a really weird meeting!

No! No.

Ignore that, mate.

You look good enough to eat.

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Oliver Lansley

Oliver Lansley (born 1981) is a British actor and writer. He is best known for writing the screenplay for the 2010 sitcom Whites. more…

All Oliver Lansley scripts | Oliver Lansley Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Rotters" STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 20 Oct. 2019. <>.

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